remember A.O.hell? that shit was awesome. to have the power to kick anyone off of aol was probably the coolest thing of all time. i bet blake ross invented that shit...

-lonnie

lonnie's sickness alert level has just been raised to yellowish-green.

-poor poor jonesy

and i thought 21 beers over the course of a whole day would be impressive

from jarjare

-C@B

yeah so apparently my mother never bestowed the knowledge of how to change a supersaturated vacuum bag. This intelligence void allowed for this process to go less than swimmingly. Concluded in a cartoon-esque explosion of dust in one Lonnie Jones' face. yum.

-Fuck

andy milonakis is amazing...his ADDness outshines everyone i can think of.

-C&B

while studying for various economics tests, i came across this in a buddy's aim profile. a graph, not of cost curves and profit margins, but an important model for the functions of society nonetheless.

-coach

HEARETH MY DECREE:
i move to abolish single stuffed oreos. well maybe not abolish them. but the default oreo should undoubtedly be double stuffed. i think that we should only have to choose from either double stuffed or quadruple stuffed in the cookie aisle. anyone who prefers single to double is obvioulsy half as awesome.

-Jonesy

well here you have it folks...for almost a year now, unbeknownst to all of us, the cookie monster has been undergoing a health transformation. even the song "c is for cookie," has been CLIAAAPPED and replaced by the new "cookie is a sometime food." utter bullshit. im glad that rachel brought this blasphemy to my attention so that i could...well, whine about it i guess. GODDAMN!

read an article about it here:
c is for cockass

-coach

representing the ol Tufts University. WHAT NOW

-C&B

good news maybe now people can sue a fast food franchise for giving them something they didn't ask for.

haeoaornds

-coachandbroach

what do you get when you cover a pile of cottage cheese with a floral bedsheet?

-Jones

sorry

public finance homework: farmer jones produces honey using bees. his marginal cost curve is (whatever). farmer smith produces apples from his orchard. his marginal cost curve is (whatever).

j: hey, thats you (leon) and jared (smith).

coach: do farmers call each other by that title? like doctors?

jones: like do you send an invitation to farmer and mrs. jones?

coach: "well, mister jones.."
"excuse me, i didn't spend the last 45 years NOT going to school to be called 'mister' thank you very much."

-coach and broach

away message from JPOGMD4788:

My favorite day of the yr..the post Valentines Day fallout. Its a hilarious day and ill tell u why. There is such a dichotomy in the female community today. On 1 side u have the girls who had dates or boyfriends, and these girls actually think now bc their guys were all nice and lovey to them and romantic for 1 night that their boyfriends actually like them haha.On the other side u have the girls who were too pathetic to even be able to milk a guy into taking them out and catering to them and they are all bitter today. Its interesting to see the differences in these 2 groups of hos and u can tell right away bc some girls r all giddy today and others are soo depressed. My question for u all out there tho is this: Which group of girls is more pathetic and stupid? The girls who are being tricked by their dates/bfs or the ones who couldnt even get tricked?? Its an interesting discussion and the moral is all girls are sooo dumb. I love having a penis.



(The feelings and messages expressed in this presentation are in no way sponsored by or affiliated with The Coach & Broach network. All correspondence pertaining to the prior issue should be filed elsewhere. Nevertheless, C&B co. will take full responsibility for the distribution of this hilarity)

cheers to having a penis!

-C&B

Alright Miam Hurricanes!!! Maybe we should just stick to football.

from the jare-jare files

-C&B

As a jew, im frankly disgusted at my religion. How could, after all this time, they keep one of the greatest culinary secrets from me. im talking ham here people...honey baked. Since coach's mom sent a monster leg of honey baked hammy goodness to the house, my life has been changed. Turkey is a thing of the past and my eyes are fixed on the future: me and ham, ham and me. It's the last thing on my mind when i lie down and the first thing when i rise up. Granted im nauseaseous (obviously no clue how to spell that)for a good portion of every day since that package arrived, but i couldnt ask for a better mate this valentime's day. i love ham. i love ham. i love ham. and ham. this is probably worse than my snood addiction.


-Jones

For those who havent seen this yet, THIS is the future salvation for the Canes football program. and HERE are a couple more pictures of the man-child when he was 15 fucking years old. he is now a junior and im wet in aspiration just waiting for him to be in a canes jersey.

thx trenchy

-C&B

so did anyone know that the Captain Planet theme song was written and copyrighted by Phil Collins? i find that amazing...i mean that i could be in the dark about such an achievement that was such a big part of my youth. The Power is Yours!

-jones

popozao

-coach

how does that little space behind the hinges on the toilet seat get so damn dirty? it honestly looks like everyone is just avoiding the toilet's actual opening and just shitting between the seat and the tank. oh, and also they have way too much hair in their diets.

-coach

it was just brought to my attention that im apparently completely out of line by standing up to wipe. several of the bitches i apparently live with say that "everyone in the world" wipes sitting down. i think only women do. i dont think im wrong in standing and if i am so be it- im not changing my ways at this point in the game.

please let me know how you do

-leon

P.S. the next theyre gonna tell me is that im supposed to wash my hands afterwards.

coach response:

personally, the act of ass wiping has gone through a lot of evolution throughout my life. i remember the first time i had to poop in preschool. the bathroom was in between my class and my brother's first grade class next door. luckily he was in the bathroom at the same time as me and i was able to ask, "hey. soo...how do i wipe my butt?" hell if i know what i had been doing up until that point, but he told me to crumple up a ball of paper and use that. so for a while thats how it went down. eventually, as i got older, and my motor skills developed, i was able to conserve paper (although i can still go through a roll in a few sittings) by using a nice fold-over style layering process. now this whole time, i had been a standing wiper for whatever reason.

[SPOILER WARNING!!]

then one fateful day i rose from the throne to clean up, and, lo and behold, i witnessed the descent of a dingleberry onto the shorts around my ankles. and ever since, i have always been a sitter. thankfully, i was in the comfort of my own home, but for the love of god, take this bit of advice, my friend:

BETTER SAFE THAN STAINED.

-coach

being away from miami has hurt me in more ways than one. not eating fast food every night has weakened my stomach's defenses, and now one little trip to taco bell for a good to go crunchwrap supreme and a cheesy gordita crunch leave me feeling like i have a bear trap in my stomach

-coach

I must say that im a big fan of the low-cut jeans. on girls. They look great but lets not pretend there isnt any down side. im talking butt crack here people. Theres nothing i enjoy less than seeing a girl's butt crack- and heres the weird part: it doesnt matter if its the hottest girl cuz she, too, as a gross butt crack. i think i may know why that is: Mischa Barton's butt crack would look the same as Michael Vitiello's butt crack (well maybe that wasnt the perfect example but you get what i mean). i dont need to be walking through the dining hall and have my meal corrupted by some nasty ass cracks...sorry to the fat girls, skinny girls, ugly girls and hot girls alike. Its naaasty. Now if i could somehow see the bottom half of the girl's ass, like in those "boys'" underwear panties, then id be in business.

-JOnes

p.s. the only crack i could ever like would be Jack Bauer's

although i couldve deduced that the male cheerleader was gay, i opted to look at his facebook profile...i not find it under "interested in:" but rather under the following:

INTERESTS: Gymnastics, Cheerleading, Clubbing, Dance, horror movies, photography, printmaking, graphic design, biology, gay, music, qaf, gay pride


this is copied and pasted right from the profile...not that theres anything wrong with that.


-Jones

so we are all familiar with the historical question of "if a tree falls in the woods, does it make a sound?" or the more popular, "does the pope shit in the woods?" anywho, ive come up with a similar one, that will in all probability be argued for centuries to come:

if i am in the shower, and i wipe my ass with a bar of soap, is the soap dirty?

now dont rush to any conclusions for there are many different aspects and extraneous variables that must be taken into account upon coming up with a viable conclusion. i would love to see the philosophical argument take place amongst the comments.

cheers

-JOnes

cuhrazy music video

-coach

i'taint the house and i'taint the senate


-C&B

so i was at the dining hall this morning for breakfast and i was over at the cereal section. to my dismay, they were out of almost everything- no cocoa krispies, lucky charms, CTC, or frosted flakes. so i went with the always unpopular sugar smacks. now let me tell you, as i walked from the cereal station to the milkeria and then to my table i got looks like i was the drunk uncle who molested his little niece. i mean, they arent great but come on- i felt like i had committed a crime.

-jones

i wonder how much better my balls/ass would smell if they weren't neighbors. like, maybe having a shorter taint is what makes some people naturally smelly..? i know i've described BO by commenting on the fact that it smells like ass or frumunda cheese. maybe theyre not each naturally evil, but when combined, have a reaction like a science fair volcano.

-cochise

ok so this was my dream last night:

a blind girl walked up to me and said how offended she was by a post that i had made the day before on C&B. apparently i had posed the question "how does a blind person with no arms tell who she is talking to? and my answer was to feel the persons face with her feet (apparently i thought that would be really funny in my dream, forgetting the fact that the blind person isnt mute and deaf and could just ask who she is talking to). im not really sure the point of this post but i guess its just that im so dedicated to this site that i think of posts in my dreams.

-jones

ive always said that i like smaller boobs than bigger ones. obviously, i have my reasons. though very often bigger breastasists look better in shirts with cleavage, the issue comes with the direct relationship between boob size and margin of error. its simple, the bigger the boob, the more room for mistakes (i.e huge, terrible nipples). so im here to debunk the rumors that bigger boobs are better, cuz theyre usually not. HERE is an example.

-JONES

we're going down tuhh in a luleelurah

-C@B

since u mention superpowers i have to jump in the posting game and mention that i am watching Superman (1978) here and, despite the glorious theme song by JWill, am mesmerized by the rest of the movie's wholly sweeterribilé nature. so good/bad. to the max.

-cueoarrch

I cant wait to get back and see my friends from tufts:

iVeRs17872: how good is kelly clarkson
iVeRs17872: seriously
Smitty81412: seriously... very good
Smitty81412: no joke, i would BUY her cd
Smitty81412: out of respect

keep it up guys.

-leon

worst superpower

-C@B

I move to change the name of this site to Broach and Broach and sometimes a guy named Smitty. Coach, you really need to get on your game.

-Jonesagoed

i was thinking about it, and jewish and black people are very alike. see the following:

1) We both have big fucking noses.
2) We both love diamonds (or just plain money)
3) We both have been hated on (you know the whole slavery and holocaust shindigs).
4) We both love smoking weed (i would bet that besides the rastas, jews and blacks
smoke more weed then any other minority).
5) The best jokes are about jews or blacks- straight up. (obviously, i would say the
latter are more funny)

please post other similarities.

-jones

i just cried watching remember the titans.

-Mrs. Leon Mandler