i thought this(from nikki) was pretty awesome

-coach

id just like to let everyone know that im going to annas now.

-this guy

im really glad im not on that show laguna beach. last night i had a dream that i was, and the whole episode was about that i had gotten real drunk and took a shit on this girl's carpet. no reality shows for the jonesbro

-jonesypones

"i'm a level 7 vegan. i dont eat anything that casts a shadow."

today was host to a particular monstrosity i was unsure how to cope with...as im walking up the hill to go to class in the snow, some guy standing there trying to pass out...as he put it "'why vegan?' pamphlet"s. i had to hold myself back from spitting in his face for trying to convert me...i mean its like trying to convice me to be gay...not that this is a knock on people of either gay or vegan descent, but in both situations you're trying to convince me to give up something i really enjoy and replace it with something else, that, of which i would really prefer as little as possible...

all praise be to the nuge

-coach

so here i am, layin back in the cut ready to do some music homework while watching a little saved by the bizzy, when i am abhorred by the title screen with which i am presented:

SAVED BY THE BELL
HAWAIIAN STYLE

fuck that. give me classics, malibu sands, maybe even a little good morning miss bliss, but NO new class, NO college years, and certainly NO hawaiian trip that somehow brings mr. belding 2000 miles away from bayside into a coincidental run in with the group as principal association tour guide...thats just ridiculous

also, the fact that the actors are now easily over 20, and there is no laugh track makes the poor theatrical performances impossible to cover up

also irritating is the fact that as disappointed as i am, i'm still going to be distracted from my work by this monstrosity

-disgusted coach

too good. go canes
from the big natedog

0jones

night before halloween in miami:

its me (semi-sober), domm (semi-sober), and goldbeargo (shwasted) in the car waiting in line for taco bell. goldbeargo is fading in and out of conciousness. all they have left is the cheesy gordita crunch.

DOMM: "im gonna have to go with two."
JONES: "Count me in for one, and im sure goldberg will want two"
GOLDBEARGO(wakes up and says): "Better make it an even seven"

amazing considering this is the guy who passed out standing up leaning against a palm tree about 30 mins before.

JONES

in decision time, i ask that we join together in a bipartisan union to pay respects by commemorating some of history's real american heroes

http://www.ksilebo.com/realamerican/

-coach

so apparently this team called the "red sox" won a little local baseball tournament known as the "world series" and have become "world champions" for the "first time" in "86 years"

thats kinda cool.
if i carried my camera on me like im supposed to you would be seeing some crowded streets, a lot of drunk people, a couple streakers, and a whole bunch of police with helmets

-coach

everything's more intense when eminem says it...

-jones

how do you say "caught being a fake-singing whore whose famous for having nice tits and an even hotter sister?" like this

thanky dom

-JONES

wow this place was going crazy...for all those who were wondering, apparently the reversal of a curse calls for some very organized shouting in front of the president's house, lighting the quad on fire and a great big disappointing lack of boobies

-guy

as some know, the wise, observant, keen, and always impulsive jones bro has coined some clever terms for the good of his fellow man's vocabulary. the following are his two latest noble peace prize nominated terms:

THE MEXICAN DUGOUT:
formerly known as "the dutch oven." when you fart under the covers so that all the gases are trapped, leaving an extremely potent vacuum of ass-gas.

THE MEXICAN SUBMARINE:
when your in the bath tub and you fart and watch that bubble of gas swim towards the surface and then its the most potent fart of life. (if anyone knows how or why this phenomenon occurs, or would like to make an attempt at cracking one of life's most stumpalizing puzzles, please post under comments)

-the jonesiest bro

rush delivery available

cmon by THIS CD!! (voice implied by italics)

-coach

so this is less funnny than craziest thing ever: im flying to DC to visit carow and i woke up real early to catch this 7 oclock plane. so im sleeping on the plane when im woken up by a voice blasting over the intercom "ARE THERE ANY DOCTORS ON THE PLANE, WE HAVE A MEDICAL EMERGENCY!" so that wakes my ass up. turns out some guy went into cardiac arrest and his heart actually stopped for 30 seconds. they had to break out the defibulizersrerers and shock this guy in the back of the plane. of course im sitting in the second to last row. so as soon as we land paramedics storm the plane and take this guy out on a stretcher to the hospital. but im a alive so thats cool.

jones

Twas the night before the playoffs and all through the town,
All the Yankee fans were dancin around like a bunch of coked up clowns.
The assholes in pinstripes were gearing up for the playoff run,
but when those bitches get swept, now THAT will be FUN.
Kevin Brown punches walls, and Shefield his wife,
Where's Karim Garcia you ask? He's doing 25 to life.
Now onto A-Rod, he's the best there is right?
Too bad he's a punk who got bitched in a fight.
If Mariano comes in in the ninth a comeback is hard,
Unless your the Red Sox and you just take him 'Yad.
I can't forget Moose, Jorge and Torre,
Hideki Matsui what the fuck is your story?
let's all make some noise...
THE YANKEES SUCK,

from the eric cuz

-FUCK THE YANKEES

coach's birthday update number 2

well i guess the whole journal thing doesnt really work if you get too lated to even remember that a chronological series of events even took place...needless to say i forgot to take any pictures but shit if you havent seen me drinking beer yet, i dont know why youre reading my blog to begin with...the weekend was real fun, especially with my lady here to both clean and decorate my room, and assuming i make it through this week, theres more light at the end of the tunnel in the form of columbus day...all in all, birthday blog: failure...birthday itself: success

-coach

Jones' coaching update NUMBER 2

so i said that i wanted to get an average og one technical every two games. well today, although it wasnt me, it was another mandler. so weve just gone on a 9-0 run to come within two points of the numb 1 team. we've been getting fucked on bs calls all game and ive already been warned for yelling at the ref. so theres another horrible call and im about to flip out when i hear my little brother eli yell "thats the worst call ever." the assfuck ref walks up to him and says "you wanna see a worse call?" and slaps him with a technical. eli proceeds to go up to him and scream "FUCK YOU" in his face. clearly he was then ejected and suspended for one game. that a go little bro. even though they ended uip getting 6 free throws and thus going up 8 and taking us out of the game- i still gotta respect the little guy

JONES

10:30 wake up and shower

10:55 first birthday beer

11:00 breakfast

11:30 commence official beer drinkings to tunes including coolio and tbe boss

-birthday face

so btw my birthday is on saturday...which also happens to be homecoming, so it should be both wild AND crazy...in an effort to thrust myself back into the rhythm of posting i may do some kind of sportsguy-style journal/picture log throughout the day as it should be a fun time

just giving yall a heads up to let u know we're gonna be posting more regularly around here

-coach

today i was reacquainted with one of the most puzzling and uncomfortable marvels of the human body, relief of which has thus far proven a fruitless effort by modern science. the rare gastrointestinal dichotomy of the hungry deuce...youre feeling the effects of not eating breakfast 5 hours ago, but you also know a formidable encounter with the porcelain throne is one the way, so youre caught in this strange state of trying to keep part of your body relaxed, while keeping other *ahem* closely related parts clenched in defensive position...finally you are out of class...but what to do first? i suppose the obvious answer is to clean the pipes, you cant very well enjoy your meal otherwise, but while it is the only option, its no walk in the park...the inherent problem is theres nothing in the stomach, moving the natural flow along...you're working with nothing but voluntary intestinal peristalsis here folks, and that isnt the more luxurious manner of business most of us have become accustom to...the result is often an sloppy, laborous, and drawn-out debachle that is wholly unsatisfying...good thing you've got an order of chili cheese nachos and a buffalo chicken sandwhich to help things move along smoother next time.

-le coach

don't you go dyin on me
-du ken


-coachandbroach

crazy folks

-pat

-coachandbroach

this is nice

-compliments of brazilian dani

-the jones

Auto response from CAROL290 (3:08:41 PM):
dear bulemic girl down the hall,
you are stupid. go to the gym. dont puke. it makes my bathroom gross.
love,
skinny girl who manages to stay that way while simultaneously being healthy (its a beautiful thing. you should try it. do it, do it)

-coachandbroach

so today on my plane trip back to school i committed one of the most faux of all pauxs...in fact it was so off putting that i had to ask a college professor what word to use to describe it to you...so i fell asleep, as i tend to do, and for whatever reason found myself dreaming that my mouth was bleeding...so im dreaming that im spitting all this blood out over and over...eventually i awoke to find my chin, neck, chest and stomach completely covered in drool to the point that i was cold due to my wet shirt...it was pretty gross and if i hadnt fallen back to sleep immediately, i would have probably been pretty embarrassed

-coach

Golapagos (2:58:42 AM): we can officially be in our new rooms

iVeRs17872 (2:58:46 AM): yup

Golapagos (2:58:47 AM): and they'll really be our rooms

iVeRs17872 (2:58:51 AM): YEA they will

Golapagos (2:58:56 AM): so i'll be sleepin in my OWN bed

Golapagos (2:58:57 AM): instead of yours

iVeRs17872 (2:59:02 AM): ewww

iVeRs17872 (2:59:05 AM): im sleepin in ur beeed

Golapagos (2:59:09 AM): and I'll stop getting that god damn jew mail

iVeRs17872 (2:59:17 AM): yea/

iVeRs17872 (2:59:22 AM): I got this hot sister mail all the time

Golapagos (2:59:26 AM): good one

so for some reason im a basketball coach. despite being the JCC league, id still say im somewhat underqualified. anywho, today we got our first win, and fittingly, i got my first technical. my goal is to average one every two games and two ejections on the year...root for me

-jones

Sign up for smitty emails from around the world. You know you want to. Not that I can guarantee anything good.


asmitty-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

-smizza

just in case you ever needed to get your bearings straight

-haoeoearoearnds

-coach

Borat soundboard

Wa wa we wa

my new favorite sex move(brought to my attn by dom):
The Ashe Wednesday: When you are done having anal sex with a girl, you whip it out of her ass, spin her around & slap it on her forhead leaving a brown mark right in the middle.

too good
-the jones

i hate cats. im definitely a dog person. i dont understand why the fuck anyone would like cats in this world when there are dogs. dogs give companionship and are loyal. a cat licks itself and seems like its always planning your demise. ok...ill admit...maybe one in every 47 cats are ok...but thats only cuz THEY ACT LIKE MOTHERFUCKING DOGSS!!! save the fucking time and get a dog. dumb fucker

-the jones, who is back in action (from the south)

-Captain Smee

Looks like you all could use at least something to help pass the time....

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators
during the 2004 Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw
her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from
personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother
and father."

4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries,and even some deaths
in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can
expect the same thing again."

6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't
like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the
IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've
got eleven Dicks on the field."

9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is
that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses
them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"


-"about to get really really wet in Miami" Smitty

can you feel the heat down in your soul?

-coachandbroach

its 430 am and i have just applied face wash to my toothbrush...i just hope i didnt wash my face with toothpaste, as it would start to burn real bad in a few seconds...

-coach

so today my mom was wandering around the house complaining about how filthy my brother's bathroom is...eventually, of course, she ends up cleaning the whole thing, which didn't really surprise me, stupid though it is...so about 3 o clock i notice an unusually fresh smell coming from that side of the hallway and decide to check out the work she's done, only to find a new waterproof radio/cd player and a pillow for the fucking tub...i can't tell you how many times i was in my bath wishing i had a goddamn pillow, not to mention some friggin tunes, i mean i know we all have...but to reward the filth and leave me out in the cold because i'm only moderately disgusting?! uncalled for

-coach

i was at the marlins game yesterday and want to make a inquiry about the phenomenon known as "the wave." i believe its birth at any sporting event is much like the birth of a wave in the ocean: a mystery to most. another amazing aspect of this godsend is its captivating quality. you know damn well that when the wave is going on, atleast to the fans, the game has stopped. every single person is just looking around the stadium in anticipation of the next time they can stand and throw their hands up. maybe its just me, but the wave is definitely something i looovve.

-jones

last night i had a dream that i got arrested for stealing a bubble gum dispenser full of swedish fish. not a bad way to go out.

-jones

id like someone to rub one out with a her pleasure condom to see if its as good for their hand as it is for their weewee...where are the medical journals for stuff like this?

-coach

id like to now mention the greatest travesty since i have been back in miami: the fact that the cheesy gordita crunch (cgc) has already been replaced on the taco bell menu...this is an outrage...i havent enjoyed more than 10 and already its gone. god...if you really are up there..............ur an asshole.

-coach

last night i had a great run-in with tony in the world of halo. naturally, tony is the worst player in the room, while simultaneously being the biggest shit-talker. this is beyond annoying, since he thinks he is gonna run his mouth all night because its my basically the third time in my life i have held an xbox controller. needless to say, i whipped his ass in the second game and shut him up to some degree.

on to moes for an hour or so to celebrate. the place was ridiculously packed with 85% gulliver alumni, and even some raiders that had school today. as soon as you see esquinazi and dj roll up to a bar, you know something is inherently wrong with the universe. it was disgusting. late to this place, to taco bell i go. but wait, oh my, its grandmaster smitty in the flesh, definitely looking a little bit "swollen" as his mom put it, but hey arent we all? i know i am.

-coach

i would like to ask medicine companies to refrain from using the words "instant relief" on products that do nothing more than relieve you of $3.39

-coach

well the heat lost, despite our late night encounter with tim hardaway on the way back from la carreta...painful

sickly and tired from pounding pitchers at 5:00..late

-coach

Smitty is a college graduate. Doesn't get much weirder than this feeling.

this is great.
im Olo Gamwich of the Bree Gamwiches.
coach is Berilac Proudfoot.
what are you?

C&B

my economics final is in about an hour and then i am fucking done with work! only thing left to do is figure out what to do with all the individual pieces of utter crap that collectively comprise my pool of posessions

-coach

pop quiz hot shot: what is the proper spelling of "beetlejuice," as written on his tombstone?

-coach

well i just finished my chem final- the last of the motherfuckers- so now im done. yay. despite spending 11 hours yesterday, two tutoring sessions, and much more of my own studying, i defintely failed. anywho heres a great lil story. i know its not that unheard of that someone oversleeps and is late to one of their finals, but i think that this is a first. so about 45 min into the chem exam i look over at mikey (the other one) , and he's leaned back in his chair, head tilted back, snoring. i give him a lil kick and he wakes up to the horror that has befallen him. needless to say, he didnt finish. i take my hat off.

-jones

so this is awesome
-ken

-coach and broach

Make your own Lil John song

-smittayyyyy

it is much harder to clean shit out of your bellybutton when you are fat. having tried it both ways, this i am sure of. the probelm is that u cant pop it out like you once were able to..with the rolls of the gut now fighting against you, the cavern usually collapses on itself leaving you disappointed, dissatisfied, and discouraged.

-coach

Bassboss4 (11:38:27 PM): Yahoo! News - Andre 3000 Says 'Hey Ya!' to Cartoon Network

-coach and broach

just gotta quote jim for a minute -

Checkin the Juice email last week, and we get one from some girl who's putting together a show at the Sad Cafe up in Plaistow this summer, wanted to know if we'd play. More like, wanted to know if she could meet Matt Ballinger, because when I told her that the Juice couldn't but the amazing PEACEWISE could, she disappeared faster than Mikey Hands can press the A button during an ice hockey face off.

-coach and broach

so heres comes a fantastical quote from this chinese girl that gave me a new found appreciation for that decent. first of all, shes a big pot head. so i was walking up the stairs last night and i saw her outside and i could tell she was high, so i just looked at her and laughed. she responds with "what the fuck? just cuz i was born slanty-eyed doesnt mean im always high." no more chinese jokes for me. and i mean asian-american.

-broachaloach

d0mmm (2:44:46 PM): happy mothers day

Max W83 (4:12:06 PM): i will relay the message to my mom from you

d0mmm (4:13:06 PM): nah i already told her last night when i gave her her present

Max W83 (4:12:06 PM): nice whatd you get her

d0mmm (4:13:06 PM): a pearl necklace

how come its so cool to write on the blackboard, and moreso, to erase the blackboard? i mean, we all know it was a "privelage" back in the grade school, but i still see it as that. i think im gonna buy one. or 8.

-brizoachaloach

the last time i smoked i broke rule number one of the chronic handbook. i started thinking about outer space and the universe and its complexities. now i know many people have stumbled upon this blow-your-ass-away phenomenon but just wanted to give a little warning to the mind-fucked virgins.

-jonesface

boiled hotdogs are for pussies, there i said it. i understand that we are sometimes limited by the available equipment, but when able, there is no reason to be unwilling to sack up and throw that shit on the grill

-coach

Well I could definitely watch this for hours.

-smizzlesticks

what the fuck

-coach and broach

and inreibile
da nikki

-coach

d0mmm (4:04:55 AM): [Me_Grimlock] 3-0 pwnage
d0mmm (4:05:03 AM): [Me_Grimlock] so what now?
d0mmm (4:05:24 AM): [nikki.] so lets dance!

that's right. correct answer.

-coach

so today i drew blood trying to open a beer bottle in the shower

good jaerb

-coachey coachey crimson-hands

im an all around awesome renaissance man.

-smARTY JONES

fucking clitnose, thats two days in a row ive forgotten to wash the soap from under my armpits. where's your head jones? ill tell you where its not; and thats in the game.

-jonesnose

back off- its mine.

-c&b

So I'm sitting here taking my final right now. We're allowed to do it wherever, so I'm in computer lab right now, working on it. And out of nowhere, I realized I've alt tabbed out of my excel file and have been reading espn for a good 5 minutes. Unreal.

-brainchild smee

an exact excerpt from my sexuality textbook:

-"In the Janus survey of sexual behavior, 4 percent of women and 6 percent of men reported experience with 'golden showers,' or urophilic behavior, and about the same percentages found the behavior acceptable. In the recent college student survey, nearly 10 percent of respondents indicated that they had been involved with golden showers."

now thats a fucking text book.

-jones

if anyone knows the secret behind the cadbury egg, please let me know. its easily the most unadvertised, low key sphere of awesomeness this world has ever seen. id like to give a shot out to jesus for his resurrection that sparked the creation of this egg of love.

-jones

My roommate just brought this beer home. I'm so excited.

-smitten

jennifer lopez guest starring on the season finale of will and grace?!
i can't think of anything i would rather watch less

-coach

ok so smitty's post about md 20/20 led to some good comments about first time drunkenness, which seems like a great idea for a separate thread so lets go.
tell you first-timer story.

-coach

don't ask me why the middle shower reeks of ammonia and an abundance of b-vitamins...i have nooooo idea ;)

-a clean and relieved coach

Ah the MD 20/20 hangover. Nothing quite like it.

-s

upon viewing the johnny dakota episode of saved by the bell for the seond time this semester i begin to reflect. ok so for those of you who don't remember (if you don't know what ime talking about slap yourself one time), johnny the movie star comes to bayside to shoot an anti-drug commercial. in the end we find out that he does pot and the kids late him and shoot their own spot. but is johnny's party pot smoking really the problem here? maybe i'm not the one who should be criticizing, but let's not forget that johnny-hollywood jocked kelly-the-high-school-cheerleader like her name was seabiscuit from minute 1.

-coach

In considering potential classes for next semester and I think that I want to take some sort of class on strategery. Now, this isnt for the future purpose of world domination or whatever, but for more important, every day obstacles. Take an average lunch at Fridays for example. Now of course, firstly, I need to use my strategery to decide whether I should order the potato skins as an appetizer or main course; and do I go half order or full? Either way I know im gonna order some quantity of skins at some point in the meal. The real strategery comes into play when those bad boys arrive. I can see it now...the skins arrive...steamy and wondrous...im wet with anticipation...WHICH ONE DO I TAKE FIRST???????? Do I take the one overflowing with cheese and weak on the bacon, or do I go with the cheese-less one with half a pig of bacon on it? Even after that questionable, nerve-racking first pick of the draft, this is a repeatedly difficult situation throughout the ceremonial consuming of those heaven-sent cheesey-pig-skins. All I know at this point is that the runt in the corner with practically no cheese or bacon, that more accurately resembles an empty kayak, is gonna be last if eaten at all. At this point, im sure you are gonna be taking a class on strategery next semester cuz I know I am.

-jones

Mario Bros Movies (really cool stuff)

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4

Note Part 4 is the most recent, but does not conclude the series.

-starpower smitty

Animated Stewie appearance on TRL yesterday I think:

Host: What do you think of the big pop stars now; Britney, Christina, Jessica Simpson? Who do you think will be around?

Stewie: Well, not Jessica Simpson. I see her losing a leg to a stupidity related accident in 2005. And Britney's career is a lot like my diaper; not guarunteed past noon and full of one piece of crap after another....

Host: Hey now, Britney's a friend of us here at TRL...

Stewie: Oh, and you, what are you, 23, 25? And you're still using words like, "Cool", and "Fresh"...I'm sure your mother is gushing.

Host: I'm actually 22....

Stewie: Oh, you're practically a woman then.

-smittyness

K'Allen and Torsha's Klingon Wedding

-smits

conan: last time you were on the show, you proclaimed, rather proudly, that you had kicked pot. hows that been going?

snoop: it kicked me back

conan: haha so...yea, back to that for you?

snoop: i mean i could come out here and lie and say "i've been off of weed for approximately..." but it was something i did cuz i wanted to u know what im sayin, i was just like "this is what i want to do, and this is what i dont want to do"

conan: and now you decided that you want to do that again?

snoop: yyeaaa 8)

-coach

so i just woke up for class and am real tired. i went to put my jeans on and noticed they were still wet near the feet from the rain this morning. so i put my socks on first. this, however, led inexorably to the donning of my shoes and by the time i realied what i was doing, they were already on and it was pants time.

so there you have it. i put my shoes on before my jeans. of course i can't help but think that if i didn't have to go to class, this whole debauchle would have been avoided entirely. i can't wait for summer when i can just lay in bed all day and never have to put on shoes or pants.

-coach

ok so the geico commercial that starts off by making fun of the hair transplant commercials is hilarious. i mean, i thought i had seen this commercial easily over 100 times, and it is likely that i had just stopped paying attention after the guy says "my tennis game has improved! i don't know, it just feels like i'm always acing the guy." i guess that tells you something about how ridiculous the actual hair transplant commercials can be, but now that i realized it was a joke commercial, i vehemently take my hat off.

-coach

The Human Target

anyone want to test this out this summer?

-smittles

"The University of Miami -- The NFL's 33rd franchise can now officially be classified under the heading of 'embarrassment of riches.' Not only did the Hurricanes have a record six first-round picks Saturday, one more than last year's haul, they had six of the draft's first 21 players selected. At that point, that was more than any other conference could boast. Maybe it's time to consider a salary cap in Coral Gables." - CNNSI
-bierman

-coach and broach

WM seeks W/B socks
must be from in room
clean a plus but certainly not requisite

-coach

ok so my gluttony has really gotten out of control...last night i actually dreamt i was at popeye's

in a related story, bam has issued an official "don't feed phil" day to which we must all adhere...i will admit that i probably deserve a similar fate but anyone who said those mashed potatoes aren't the stuff dreams are made of was lying to you.

-coach

for those of you who were waiting eagerly, here it is!

jessi's college picture show!

borrowing from the wisom of mitch hedberg, i will say that this picture show should not exceed 30 seconds in duration, for that is the maximum amount of time you can imagine yourself having fun with jessi berrin. quite the contrary, however, it is about 30 minutes long..god help you if you sit through the entire thing..

-coach

New smitty column today! You're so excited you cannot contain yourself!

http://www.people.virginia.edu/~sas5x/columns.html

And if you missed it, there was a column last week too!

woooooooooooooo

-Smitlover

funny story...depending on how much of an asshole you are. so im walking downhill to another dorm and i see some dude laying out on a towel. as i get a little closer, i see the way this guys legs are folded, and im thinking he's got to be double, if not triple jointed. i let out a small, perplexed chuckle. im sure you can see where this is going. as i get up next to him, i find he's less double-jointed and more missing-a-leg-with-the-prostetic-one-next-to-him. yeah i felt like an asshole, though this isnt the first time. (RIP Mr. Hurley...i really didnt mean it).

-jones

i thought i was the only one with four nipples but ive recently found out that most people do; and today i bit my nipple #3. and it hurt alot. well about now, you might be wondering what in beans name am i talking about, and where these nipples are on my body (and probably yours). well actually, theyre in your mouth, at the corner where your lips meet. go ahead-find it right now. im sure youll be pleasantly surprised to find that you have two of these bad boys. im sure as you will soon realize, theyre easy to bite, and not very pleasureful; but they are fun to play with- go head, tongue away. im sure if you check the next "science times" ill be on the fucking cover for my discovery.

-Dr. Jones

Is wayne brady gonna have to choke a bitch?

-smittacular

if someone were to ask you what is the dirtiest part of your body, im sure many dirty things come to mind. nevertheless, im gonna have to say the dirtiest part of my body is the part that never gets soaped...my back. now its not my whole back- its more of a diamond shape. you see, i get the backs of my shoulders and above the cheeks, but its that central diamond-shaped area that is of ultra-grossitude.

-jonesy

the problem with writing this paper isn't so much that i feel stupid for not knowing what to write about because i dont do the readings...its more that i feel like im acting like a pompous jack-off...i mean who the fuck am i, a person who hasnt read any of this stuff, to be telling a professor of philosophy what i think about descartes. i mean where the hell do i get off acting like i know what im talking about when i most assuredly do not? if there's one thing im sure of its that i dont want to be "that guy" who talks about shit like he knows shit but is really talking out of his ass...im no trailer-park-mark so, teacher, do your damndest

-coach and no bs

why does a kenyan always win the boston marathon? well...id answer that but i wouldnt want anyone to think im a racist sons of the bitch.

-broach

so im gonna give u the 411 on beyonce and people considering her the hottest girl ever. well, your right and your wrong. as a whole, she is not. if you cut her in half at the waist, well now you have a different story. from the waist up, i fear there is no better woman in this world (barring that girl who i gusta). but here's the catch: from the waist down, theres few grosser. i mean honestly, those thunderous legs could do serious damage to even the biggest of men. as my girly so correctly stated of those bootylicious chops, "blughhhhpukeughghg." so that leaves us as torn as she is...god im an expert wordsman.

-joness

El Nino is spanish. It is the spanish word for child. Like all things spanish, it is dangerous...

http://douglas.min.net/essay/

-smizzle

i was A.D.D.-ing so much this morning that i think i took my ADD pill twice.

-jones

and in his great aftermath he leaves this link

-coach and broach

Dr. Evil: "At the age of fourteen a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum... it's breathtaking- I highly suggest you try it. "

Assuming Dr. Evil continued with this trend, do you think he gets a 5 o'clock shadow, you know, down there?

-smitty

ok so i love chapelle show just like the rest of you all do. anywho, its gotten to the point where i wanna donkeypunch any motherfucker who yells "ahyeaayahhh" or "chhhwhaaaaat" in public. i mean we know its funny when the black man on tv does it, but honestly, shut the fuck up. sorry and thankyou for your time.

=jones

so smitty made a post here...the mentor reaching out to the c&b audience...its a beautiful thing
from now on we will be known as

"coach and broach and a guy named smitty"

-coach and broach

How many 7 year olds it would take to kill you?

just think about it

-smitty

and now, ladies and gentlemen, a guy named smitty...

-coach and broach

i would be complaining that i don't really get the sort of treatment i think i deserve from annas if it weren't for the penny story -

hokay, so here we are, waiting in line and haeoeaernds tells me "shit, i forgot the dime" since his food always comes out to $3.10...i think i may have one so i reach into my pocket only to find that trickyass abe lincoln messing with my head...so i say fux u abe, into the tip jar you go...but we all know my basketball game is subpar at best, so the penny bounces of the counter and into the tip jar, ricocheting with formidable trajectory as we watch in suspense

*ploop*

right in the chicken and water stuff (does anyone know what that is used for? cuz its not the standard chicken)

the aggregador never noticed, as he was busy compiling and wrapping burritos and such, but the cajador definitely picked up on some funny business and was eyeing the line until i stepped out with my head down and explained the situation...obviously everyone says "dude, she had no idea, whyd you tell em" but cmon, first of all she knew and i could only have kept the chirade up for so long...second, all theyre gonna do is take the tub into the back and fish it out with their manos so its not really a big deal and third, i think i owe that much at least to the other annas frequenters

like i said, i would be writing about how i am under appreciated around there were it not for this unfortunate incident

-coach

talking to my mom about my shitty calc grade:

me: "i dont know what the fuck to do."

mommy: "you better do everything you can besides give your professor a blow job to get a better grade..."

-i love u mommy

-broach

i like vagina jsut so you all know

last night was like no other. not your average college story, but still awesome. so me and matt are in mcdonalds and after the meal we both have to head to the bathroom. so he gets to the bathroom first and its one of those one-stallers so i gotta wait outside. so the womens is right across the hall, so i gotta check it. i slowly push the door to see if its unlocked...it is. so i give it the old "full push" and what do i find? you know its a drunk male bum taking a shit in the womens bathroom. what does he say when i walk in on him shitting in the womens bano? "dont do it!" - those were the english words- the words that i heard sounded more like "shhugar waterrererrr doo itt" or something really drunk like that. anywho, it was awesome i hope everyone in this world walks in on a bum taking a shit in a public females bathroom..

jonesss

me and my advisor talking about next year:

me: well, those four classes sound pretty good, and i know my dad wants me to take a fifth so i'll keep looking..

her: never listen to your father, its the worst thing you can do

-coach

I3ond008 (2:08:53 AM): actually this girl i know from here went there to visit some of her friends and ended up hanging out with michelle

I3ond008 (2:09:10 AM): over spring break right

I3ond008 (2:10:27 AM): so they get pretty drunk and i get this message on my phone with these girls screaming and i can make out only some of it but i hear my friend say "im hanging out with ur friend michelle from highschool and she told me a funny story of when u guys were in cancun and u got in trouble for public exposure for peeing on the streets"

lil dosman (2:10:44 AM): nice

I3ond008 (2:10:51 AM): hears the punchline

I3ond008 (2:10:55 AM): ive never been to mexico

I3ond008 (2:11:56 AM): so i dont know how often u see michelle, but the next time u do just let her know i think shes a crazy bitch

-coach

so for those of you who don't know ms. fisher died this week..here's an interesting conversation i had with a girl at gulliver:

her (4:43:07 PM): mike

me (4:43:09 PM): yes

her (4:43:15 PM): did you have mrs.fisher?

me (4:43:49 PM): yea when i was a freshman

me (4:43:55 PM): my physics teacher also died when i was a junior

her (4:43:57 PM): im sorry to tell you, but she passed away yesterday

her (4:44:03 PM): o

her (4:44:22 PM): who told you?

be honest, you werent sorry to tell me, you were excited because girls are dumb and they like to gossip

-coach

stephanie: oh my god st. andrews is here..go fuck yourselves!

she's smart, it took her like 5 minutes to learn that
=D

-coach

well this morning was sour to say the least. firstly i woke up and my boxers were inside out. im fairly confident that they were the correct way when i went to sleep and although i did have some weird ass dreams last night that still leaves me wondering. so its now about 8:15 and i know im gonna be late for chem. anywho, i go to brush my teeth, apply the toothpaste, and on the turning on of the sink, shoot the tooth paste right off the brush. fuck. wheres your head jones, cuz i know where its not; and thats in the game. now i reapply the paste of the tooth and begin my brush...without my head in the game again....you know what that means-overflow of toothpaste from the mouth and a drip on the shirt. fuck fuck fick. i then put water on the spot, knowing that a toothpaste stain is inevitably equivalent to disappearing-reappearing ink, and that im just gonna have a wet shirt for the time being. double fuck shit ass fuck. thus, my morning of peor began...

-jonesypoo

PDiDdY54 (1:39:02 AM): yea i have a huge paper due tom

PDiDdY54 (1:39:05 AM): havent started

PDiDdY54 (1:39:07 AM): midterm

PDiDdY54 (1:39:10 AM): blegh

lil dosman (1:42:26 AM): i have a paper this week but probably not as long or important

PDiDdY54 (1:43:31 AM): yea and worse its about the bible

PDiDdY54 (1:43:37 AM): i dont know shit about the bible

lil dosman (1:43:45 AM): hah

lil dosman (1:43:59 AM): tell your teacher the bible says he should forgive you for not doing the paper

PDiDdY54 (1:44:25 AM): hahah... thats great

PDiDdY54 (1:44:28 AM): this guy is cool though

PDiDdY54 (1:44:37 AM): like i get points for fucking around

PDiDdY54 (1:45:13 AM): i got an A on my last paper just cuz it was called "What did Virgil 'Aenied' to accomplish w/ the Aeneid"

-cnb

lil dosman (1:37:06 AM): has last call with carson daly always been 30 minutes and not 60

lil dosman (1:37:16 AM): cuz if they shortened it, that would be amazing

lil dosman (1:37:24 AM): cuz he sucks like none other

MyDixonSider (1:38:11 AM): i remember having the same thought like 6 months ago

lil dosman (1:38:19 AM): brilliant

MyDixonSider (1:38:23 AM): and thinking it must have been shortened

-coachandbroach

i havent thought about this in about 100 years, but when i was in third grade my class took a trip to the zoo, which was, in and of itself, amazing...how could the story get better you ask? well this guy was talking to us about turtles whatnot and had a huge shell that actually had backpack-style straps attached to it to demonstrate that it was actually so big it could fit over your back..when he asked for a volunteer, you better believe i ran right on up there, eager to sieze the opportunity to be a hero on the half shell for 5 minutes. that was the closest i ever became to actually being a ninja turtle (lets face it that halloween costume wasnt all that convincing) and that day i held my head a little higher and twirled my nunchucks a little faster

coachelangelo

so today we learned about fetishes in sex class today.

c&b

so apparently crispix is an awesome cereal. who would of thought that the combination of corn and rice could be so money. its more the way the milk get caught in the crispix and you squish it against the top of your mouth(thankyou baby)...if youve never had them before you defnitely are just gonna think im a fag.

JONESS

so its about time i make a post about the guy who cleans the hall, whose name i think is enrique...hes a real nice guy and i enjoy being nice back to him, but after i see you and say whats up, let's keep the flow moving here...there's no reason to stand in the doorway in silence while i start pulling books out and pretending to study, its just awkward for everyone...i mean im not the best at bullshitting conversation, especially when it comes to someone i have nothing in common with, and that includes language

-coach

ok i'll admit it. i'm addicted to watching making the band. as furious as the show makes me, i can't seem to turn away...the fact that these five animals can't seem to avoid fighting at least twice during the course of any thirty-minute session is all too entertaining and the best one, fred, always representing the mia is good to see...but i mean all they have to do is write their separate lyrics, then when diddy gives em the beat, lay it down and go to the fuckin club or something and have yourself a night...seems easy enough but somehow always results in yelling and often fisticuffs

which always makes for great tv.

-coach

sometimes i wonder about the guy who makes spandex briefs for the wwe. sure, all his friends made fun of him back in the day when they were all headed to graduate school and he was like "im going to start a spandex plant, to give back to the spandex community that has given me so much over the years." well who's laughing now? i bet its still his friends, cuz he's still a freaky spandex afficcionado.

-coach

stolen from chiwick's profile but amazing nonetheless

we've been real lazy and therefore not making many actual posts, just links
in the words of maximus "i'm sorry"

-coach and broach

give em the chair
-from ken

-coach

dah dah dah do do dah DAT!
and excellent
-nikki

-coach and broach

Auto response from Johnnyboy213 (4:44:32 AM): Yeah, i'm upset that we lost but the fact that Duhon's meaningless 35 foot buzzer beater at the end covered the spread....... well that puts a smile on my face.

brilliant

-coach and broach

lemme see what you got
-hands

-coach and broach

i just dropped the tv remote and it vanished from existence upon hitting the floor. >=/

"guess im not watching tv...get up and change the channel myself? what am i a workaholic?" - jim gaffigan

-coach

i think blackboards should be replaced with magna doodles. i mean it would cool, easy to erase, and the teacher could make perfect circles, squares, and stars. the future of learning.

-briggity

oh really fool? really?! side kick!

-coach and broach

well today i might say that i had my best college experience thus far. sadly, it was with five 14 year old kids. i hear this group of boys outside my window; they were riding around on theyre bikes screaming in there akward in between voices. if anyone has seen our dorm, its surrounded by somewhat of a moat, about 10-15 ft deep. so of course i had to take advantage of these 14 year olds and this 12 foot drop. i told one of the kids i would pay him 20 bucks if he jumped off the ledge on his bike. so this fourteen year old, pressured by an elder asshole (yours truly), made the jump. amazing to say the least. of course his front wheel went straight into the ground, throwing him over the handle bars and his head STRAIGHT into the ground. while his friends were yelling "call an ambulance," me and mike were laughing our asses off. the kid was fine, just with a huge welt on his head and dirt all over his body. once he got up and felt his head, he asked "what am i gonna tell my mom?" (in classic 14 year old fashion). so that was that. after i told the fat one of the group that i would give him 3 oreos if he pissed on his friends bike. he obliged. so did one of the others. pissed all over the bike. a great day to say the least.

-c&B

what the fuck is a cranberry? i mean, has anyone ever seen one?

jones

note: the following is a story that dom read, not actually experienced.

d0mmm (1:17:09 AM): Ok so yesterday was my cheat day. Probably put away about 8k cals including a lot of alcohol last night. Im at the usual weekend frat parties and i've been talking to this girl for the majority of the night. She's 19, so still a little on the immature side, but im only 21 so its all good. Anyway i've talked to this girl a few times before, and to make a long story short I ended up going back with her to her dorm. About another 8shots later, we end up fooling around on her bed, didnt bang her, but did pretty much everything else.

d0mmm (1:17:19 AM): So about 10min's into her giving me head, I had to drop the fattest shit in my life. All my meals were followed by 3tsp of metamucil so I could get lots of fiber in me to combat the carbs a litte. Anyway im holdin my #2 in and finally it goes away. We both end up passing out on her bed, she's butt naked and im in my boxers. I must have passed out about 10min after she did around 3am. I wake up at about 8am to piss and I find myself covered in shit.

d0mmm (1:17:25 AM): Im thinking WTF, and what happened was I shit myself when I was sleeping. It was all over the bed, sheets,etc.... Im freakin out so I did the most horrible thing in the world. She's sleeping with her back towards me, so I take my boxers off, scoop up some shit and gently smear it on the inside of her butt, her lower back, and a little on the back of ther hammies. I get dressed and leave LOL This poor girl is gonna think she did it. I didnt know what else to do though. Anyway, im really gonna have to avoid her and I have no clue what im gonna do when I end up running into her.

-coachandbroach

nutri-grain bars...now apparently in crack flavor
-i stole this from this guy will that doesnt even know about this site

-coach

more movies with vince vaughn and ben stiller does a body good

link appears courtesy of smittyco.

-coach and broach

hahaha
-thanks rebeccy

-C&B

john kerry, if your listening, please hear my words of wisdom before bush does. instead of spending your money campaigning with ads and commercials, i have a way that will guarantee victory. promise everyone who votes for you a corndog. if i went to the voting booth with intent on voting for bush, and was offered a corn dog, i would absolutely change my vote. worst comes to worst, you could atleast get the bum vote.

-jones

well i've been smited once again, this time by the almighty hand of american airlines...not only was i not initially given a seat on the oversold flight, but my bag didnt come to boston with all my clothes, playstation, and honestly above all else, my fucking blanket. i mean, a blanket is a pretty important necessity when its 30 degrees outside. our room is in the corner of the building, so my bed is directly against an exterior wall that tends to get quite cold.

to the crazed fan who stole my bag, you've won this battle...there is more than likely some hair on those clothes which can be used to make a personal clone, but so help me god i will get my blanket back.

now, if you'll excuse me i must put on a sweater and cuddle up with the ninja turtle futon-sheet, which is really more of a tablecloth than a bedsheet, with the hopes that my shit will turn up tomorrow

-fuck you

pwahaaa!
-alex

-coach and broach

if ur gonna get one, it might as well be this
-laurenmeister

-coach and broach

great

-coach and broach

been recording these two days, which is real cool...also a lot of nfl street into the wee hours of the early mourn. on a side note, how amazing is big league chew...i swear i almost shit myself (almost?!) when flizzle brought a pack into the studio...and i know it causes mouth cancer and all, but all the major leaguers do it...and on top of it all its like an orgasm of flavor in your mouth, that lasts for 30 seconds...for those of you who say that 30 seconds is too short, i defy you to produce an orgasm in my mouth that lasts longer than that

-coach

DiStUrBeDgUrL548 (6:31:17 AM): OU WILL DIE FROM AN EXORCIST IF U DONT SEND THIS TO 20 PEOPLE, EITHER MY EMAIL OR AIM. THIS IS NOT A JOKE. THIS WAS ISSUED FROM THE UNITED STATES ARMY. DO THIS OR DIE.

-coach and broach

man, the human sexual behavior textbook is really great sometimes

"under laboratory conditions, involving manual stimulation by a female laboratory worker..."

i'll take one.
make it two.

-coach

folks, today berrin has just about out done herself, as far as lameness goes

Auto Response from JEB918: Who said beer won't make ya smarter...it made BUD WEISER! (thanks ash)

st. patrick would be spinning in his grave

-coach and broach

im gonna have to say that its good publicity when there is a full page article on the secnond page of your school newspaper about your band. thats right- a ful page paper with huge picture of the band. thanks matty b.

-coachy and a broachy

up at 5:15 this morning so my focusin would be active during my 7:00 chem test. i believe i need a lot of luck going into any chem test so undoubtedly i put on my donkey punch hat, my lucky socks, and, i swear to god, i washed my hair. and then i failed.

-jonesss

hit me with your best shot
(late)

-coach and broach

"and the mother of the year award goes to......melissa rowland!"
-pat

-coach and broach

so class is cancelled this morning...i guess thats good in the sense that i wont be counted late, as well as the fact that there will be no class...on the other hand its bad in the sense that we have a test tomorrow, which will probably be some kind of F-- now, i was up til 3 doing the fucking homework, and woke up 5 minutes after class was scheduled to start and proceeded to sprint across campus from hill to aidekman

needless to say i am both sweaty and angry

-coach

holy crap! taylor hanson's a lesbian!

=p

-coach

has anyone noticed that there is now blackjack on tv? looks like somebody is trying to cash in on the popularity of the world series of poker...newsflash: blackjack, not as interesting as poker..i mean, we all know the rules, we don't need to see them practiced by a bunch of shlubbs...now celebrity blackjack, perhaps........no.

if anyone needs me i'll be watching the rock paper scissors tournament

-coach

i think its safe to say that even the sexiest of men will have nothing short of a "hideous" inner thigh.

-broach

so i would say the show was a success considering it was the first show- the crowd was into it and some kid almost broke his face attempting to crowd surf. nevertheless, the climax of the evening did not take place until after our performance. so after we finish, i go outside to talk to my lady on the phone. as im talking to her some girl comes up to me and says "excuse me, i just wanted to let you know that your donkey punch comments extremely offended me and i never want to hear your fucking music again." so i casually pointed to my donkey punch hat and said LATE. what the fuck, lesbian face? i mean i only dedicated one fucking song to the donkey punch. i think its safe to say someones bitter about the bruise on their back.

-jones

ASmitty97 (3:24:02 AM): that makes 8 nights in a row for smitty. my liver decided to auction itself off on ebay 2 days ago. feel free to bid, goodbye

-coach and broach

there is now a 24 hour countdown till were famous. you fuckin know it. were gonna rock the socks off the cocks ...or something like that. performance tmw night...the beginning of a new era.

-coachandbreezy

idiots of the month

-coach and broach

apparently wearing chapstick not only relieves you of dry, irritated lips, but also relieves you of a condition known as lips-without-food-stuck-all-over-them. i walked around with crumbs all over my shit for a while before coming home only to realize once again that yes, i am turning into ken abrams, no matter what i do to try and fight it

-coach

so while i was buttering up for a shave i was stricken with the worst nosebleed so far. thats 3 in the past four days. que the fuck. such a hassle. and lemme tell you i cant wait til it happens in class, thatll be the day. just sitting there struggling to stay awake and all of the sudden everyone is disgusted by you cuz your bogarting the whole room with plasma.

i mean, i know im a rock star and all but i dont even do coke, i just happen to have an overactive picking reflex

on the other hand, if it happens on stage i'll just be rocking harder than everyone else

-coach

well i havent shaved in close to a month, and let me be the first to tell you, its quite gross. not only do i have 7 and 8 hairs on my chin and lip respectively, but each of those has become about 3 inches in length. i mean i look like our old friend ken abrams here...minus the cheeto-braces, dandruff, cloud of dirt, and filthy skank of a sister.

it doesnt really seem fair that most people have to shave if they dont want a beard, while i have to shave just to avoid looking like a total ass clown, although it doesnt help that much...good thing im too lazy to really worry about it

-coachey mcgross

lets be honest with ourselves once more- when we poop, we all undoubtedly form our own mental visualizations of what we assume our final product to look like...but how often are we right? i for one am sorely disappointed time and time again, when what i think to have been expelled in one fell swoop is actually a oligarchy of shittlets

-coach

lets be honest with ourselves- if we walk into a bathroom, see the three urinals- two of normal height and one for children/handicapped, we will undoubtedly go for the taller one. have you ever asked yourself why? i believe it is because we will, for some reason, feel insuffucient or "less masculine." but let us think about this- this "kiddie" urinal actually has many benefits. firstly, there is no need to even touch the penial shaft due to the angle of urine stream to urinal. even more of a reason to use the little guy is sheer physics. due to the angle of the urination stream, being less than 90 degrees, one does not have to worry about the dreaded splash back. so now i feel the only thing to do is to make all urinals kiddie urinals and if im elected president, that will be the first thing i do. and this i promise you, good people of america.

-president jones

yeah so theres a kid in my chem class whose last name is Ng. no vowels. not sure how many syllables. not sure how one would pronounce that. ill leave it up to you to guess his country of origin.

-jones

"Today I did the unthinkable. I stepped into a light few have even dared to look at. I decided to push my body to its absolute limit, and cruised through the Taco Bell drivethrough window not once, but twice. They say the human body is capable of otherworldly feats of strength when under enough pressure, like the superhuman mother who, legend has it, lifted and tossed a bus that had run over her only son, to free him from the tire as it crushed his tiny body. Well my friends, I can assure you that these tales of incredible human body related miracles are ludicrous at best. And as I sat there, on the john, nearly perishing as my own inards (or so it felt) went flailing toward the water, I thought, 'never again...'"
-dom

-coach and broach

living is good, and 2 broken vertebrae..not as good.

-coach and broach

well the music store was closed, which leaves me without a g string (harhar, maybe ian can lend me one), but being in davis is the ultimate excuse to pick up some anna's, and we all know there's few greater discoveries in this universe than an excuse to pick up some anna's

-coach

u gotta be kidding me

-coach and broach

so for all of us who thought we had made it and the winter was over: surprise, it wasnt. its been snowing for two days...not heavy, per se, but its a little disheartening when the temperature reaches upwards of 60 one week, then starts snowing constantly

fucking groundhogs and their magical shadow abilities

-coach

full house marathon on abcfamily. what better way to spend a sunday?

extend football season pleeease
i mean, as good as full house is, i feel kinda queerish watching episode after episode of our old friends uncle jesse, joey, and of course michelle. besides, nothing beats being lazy and watching football all sunday, this there can be no debating

-coach

has anyone actually been to a sonic? i mean, these burgers look pretty damn good and all, but i can't really even verify whether or not this place actually exists

-coach

lemme see what you got

-coach and broach

leeeeeeet
-dom

-coach

jeremy shockey, back of the endzone, vs. gamebraker
u damn right.

"could you hand me my wallet? it's the one that says 'bad muthafucker on it'"

mystery quote difficulty: Ooooo (schwam)

-im just talkin bout coach

would you have won $125,000?

in what movie do ben affleck and matt damon not appear?

a. dogma                                   b. good will hunting
c. the talented mr. ripley           d. chasing amy

difficulty: Ooooo (one and a half)

-regis

loaded weapon starring emelio estevez and kathy ireland on tbs

gratuitous greased emelio buttshot but great

"emeeelllliooooo!!!!" is all need be said
mystery quotation obscurity rating: OOooo

-cooooaaaaach!!!

wild on: when in rome, drink wine, eat pizza, relax.

anyone want to go to rome?

-coach

id like to know why puff daddy, with all his marketing talent and whatnot, didnt realize that his butler, the unbelievably awesome mr. farnsworth bentley could be the best thing to happen to tv since bob barker..maybe holding an umbrella wasnt really the best forum for him to come out of his shell but the man is fantastically well, close to spectacular, and meeting fine in a minute...and dont even mention exactly

-coach

fuck the police fuck the police

-mothafuckin coach and muthafuckin broach

"more addictive than any drug you can think of"

-coachandbroach!

why haven't more companies caught on to the use of puppies in commercials...i mean i've been forced to watch those cottonelle ads time and time again because that little guy is unbelievably awesome.

-coach

http://www.theonion.com/news/

"My version will have it all: drama, laughter, a spiritual message, and a couple of twists that will surprise even the most devout."

-coach and broach

be sure to take the test

-coach and broach

here's a brain buster for everyone: where the fuck has pat been for the past two weeks?
i noticed you've disappeared so stop being a drama queen and come back to life...please? i even made a george khoury post..

-coach

Auto response from ASmitty97 (3:28:34 AM): Do you realize in the entire history of western civilization no one has successfully accomplished the Roommate Switch? In the Middle Ages you could get locked up for even suggesting it.

-coach and broach

how long would you say jeans can go before needing to be washed? i would say only on feb 29.

-jones

the next bitch that fat and canida will be debating about being better or worse than bubba franks
from the fat himself

-coach and broach

amazing what you can do with some old NES sprites
-from das big al l33tman

see if you can recognize all the characters
the only one i dont know about is the girl...after all i never played sissy games

-coach

i think that if mel gibson added an excerpt from Jones 3:16, in "the passion," it wouldve been met with a much better reception. it reads:
"inner happiness won't be achieved until one hath peed in the shower..."

-jones

last night i had a dream that george khoury squashed my guitar, which was for some reason involved in a football game where these kinds of things can obviously happen. it certainly wasn't an accident though, this i know. that bastard saw woody and landed squarely on him, obliterating him entirely. and i'll never forgive him, this much i promise you. just because of that i will probably never talk to george khoury again. if i cross paths with him one day, i swear, im gonna just keep walking

-coach

Auto response from ASmitty97 (8:55:34 AM): I'm at the corner of 1st and 1st... How can the same street intersect with itself? I must be at the nexus of the universe.

-coach and broach

warthog launch

-coach and broach

the newest addition to my collection...sooo good

-jonesy

amazing

-coach and broach

endorsement: domino's chicken kickers
think a bunch of miniature wendy's spicy chicken sandwiches minus the bread and lettuce and all that

surprise! its actually high quality chicken

bonus! they arrive hot

but wait there's more! "heat it up" buffalo sauce and "cool it down" blue cheese

that's taking care of your consumer

-coach

p.s. yes i did just eat an order

printers are the incarnation of pure evil
is it ever really a surpise when they don't work? they know its fuckin 9 in the morning and ur trying to print your paper, they know you procrastinated all night, and just to make it sting, theyre gonna be big bitches about it

one day im gonna take u out back, office space style

-coach

impressive to say the least
-other mike

-coach and broach

still not quite sure what to say
-herschy squirt

-coach and broach

5 posts in the last three hours...think that has something to do with me having a paper to write?

-coach

"ooh that hurt!"

-cnb

Auto response from Lsuarez34 (1:20:47 AM): the usual sunday at bermans playing beer pong, fuck you midterm tom

-coach and broach

starting paper at 12:00 am

pat, i'll never forgive you for not being online

-coach

find out how shitfaced you are!

this may have to become a coach and broach staple by the time the weekend comes around

-coach and broach

one thing that kinda gets on my nerves is when girls describe juan torres as "hilarious" or tell me about this time they were talking to him and "oh my god, he's so funny." now, don't get me wrong i don't have anything against the guy whether he's gay or not (ur not fooling anyone btw), but he seems to have this really frustrating effect on girls, whereby they think he's the funniest guy on the planet. lemme let you guys in on a secret: what's actually happening is simply that the guy is so ridiculously flamboyant that you can't help but be brought to uncontrollable laughter.

just to clarify.

-coach

a lifelong mystery has been solved...it appears that i am more lazy than i am a dork as, i wouldn't get dressed and walk across the quad to watch revolutions

speaking of lazy, tonights the night im gonna have to stop procrastinating and do this damn paper, in which i have no idea what to write, or how that "no idea" is gonna stretch itself across 5 pages

-coach

new smitty column

-coach and broach

if they took you to anna's taqcueria i would have applied early decision.

-coachey mcburritoface

im gonna have to give a fuck you to the cock who invented the button fly zipper...you unlazy, selfish, piece of shit...eat my ass sir.

-jones

we've said it before and we'll say it again
-othermike

-coach and broach

gayness

-coach and broach

thing that pissed me off today: people who call you, then dont answer after you miss the call and hit em right back
thing that weirded me out the other day: being called "youngblood" by a homeless

-coach

nice one matt

-coach and broach

first one to finish this old commerial song gets 8 blumpkins:
"it wiggles and jiggles and feels so realllll........."

get there....

-jonesy

anyone else addicted to nfl street? i bought it before coming back to school and have played pretty much nonstop..
i know everyone played blitz back in the day...this is way better

-coach

you know it

-coach and broach

so a couple of alleged "fans" called us last night at 430 and 530. that was awesome, lemme tell you. if this was someone fucking with us, i'll say "good one" but fucking with my sleep is very unappreciated. that said, if this was, in fact, a couple of "fans" stranded at a gas station in everrett i'll start by saying that it should be understood that you'll have to wait until we're actually famous to be calling pathetically at 430 only to be hung up on. furthermore, if your friends ditched you, what makes you think that we want to come pick you up..

id have to say flow handled it well

"get me a reeses peanut butter cup and a coke, i'll be there in 10 minutes"
*unplugs phone and returns to sleep

=\

carmen electra: so we're getting a lap dance from this beautiful blonde...and it was cool u know, its our bachelor/bachelorette party, and we're gettin a lap dance and dave just farts. i mean he lets one rip and it smelled horrendous.
dave: *chuckles* the music was loud, no one could hear it...*laughs*

rock on, rock man

-coach and broach

were gonna apologize for the lack of posting in the past few days. it can probably be attributed to the consumption of 90 beers, two handles of captain, and about a quarter of some other stuff. in other words we were quite lated to the face.

-C&B

most punches in the face:
1) chris rix
2) tom brady
3)aarn carter
4)jessi berrin
5) dane disuza
6) andrew mcqeer-e (well eventhough he gets more head)
7) balls

-kjshdfkshd

a great one from nikki

-coach and broach

the bet has been made. $500. me verses seth. it is this:
does byron leftwich make 3 pro bowls before the end of his career?
Jones says yes---seth says no
only time will telllllllll

-broach

phat as alex (8:24:56 PM): I just had the anna's
lil dosman (8:25:11 PM): nice
lil dosman (8:25:13 PM): im goin in like an hour
phat as alex (8:25:22 PM): hah
phat as alex (8:25:28 PM): how often do you go?
lil dosman (8:25:40 PM): on weekend like 2-3
lil dosman (8:25:47 PM): alwasy bring a burrito back
lil dosman (8:26:00 PM): for late night pleasure
phat as alex (8:27:10 PM): ok
phat as alex (8:27:16 PM): :aha
phat as alex (8:27:22 PM): I was bringing one back
phat as alex (8:27:27 PM): and I ate it
phat as alex (8:27:33 PM): on the way back

we weren't lying its that fuckin good

-coach and broach

courtesy de muffy

-coach and broach

compliments of sylvia raskin...i swear to god

-the committee

this is phenomenal- compliments of cuh...

-C&B

as has been the patter for the past few years, the dolphins appear to be ignoring the fact that the problem with the team is its fucking quaterback(s)

the dolphins have expressed interest in terrell owens.
"if he complained about jeff garcia, what's he gonna have to say about jay fiedler?!" - jay marriotti

-coach

another mathematical application:

high goldberg ≥ drunk goldberg ≥ sober goldberg

this inequality, as in most, is an expression of value.

-broach

well im in the process of developing callouses (no idea if thats even close to the spelling) on my thumbs due to nintendo play. i feel it is just upon the horizon when my thumbs will be completely calloused over, for it is only until then will i earn the gold plated title of a...true gamer.

-broachy jones

there comes a time in every man's life when he must say "i have a test tomorrow," and then take the shrink wrap off his book

-coach

as much as i dont want to, i have to eat the burrito in the fridge, lest it turn severely diarretic tomorrie

oh, who am i kidding im gonna enjoy every minute of it, even if i pay dearly for it tomorrow...hell i dont like going to class that much anyway

-coach

you know the kids in the room smoke pot when u see this in the mailroom

4 pounds of chippy goodness

-coach and broach

85% of the population can curl their tongue into a "u."

no, i didn't learn that in sex class

-coach

id like to thank alain for finding this video of me, back when i had a fruity earring and was older than i am now.

-coach

smit-rocka-smooth-skin

-coach and broach

new smitty column

-coach and broach

bubblewrap game, found by billy

-coach and broach

what the fuck were pogs? i mean i know they were fucking awesome and stuff, but really, what the fuck were they and where the fuck did they come from? all i know is that my slammer could take out yours. bitch.

-jones bro

ive recently learned that you can apply math to every day life. take this equation for example:
consumption of 1 burrito ≥ 2 diharreahs before 10:15 am

-jones

so my ipod decided to stop working for no reason at all. and to make things even better its damn near impossible to find what u need on the fucking apple website.

go ahead and see how long it takes you to figure out how to request a repair and maybe i'll stop my bitching

-coach

im gonna have to say cocoa krispies is the most underrated cereal. let us not forget the end product of this morning delicacy is CHOCOLATE FUCKING MILK!! soo good...

-broach

my girlfriend please, i really want my girlfriend

-baby jones

and here we go again(on our own)

-goin down the only road we've ever known

i told you were fuckin famous...

-the juicers

this site is amazing
play a few times

-you are coach and broach from http://coachandbroach.blogspot.com!

is there really a need for a sneeze guard? i mean somtimes i just wanna sneez on it on purpose just to make use.

-broach

sounds like a winner

-cowch

maurice clarett is officailly the biggest cock-consumer in the entire world...not to mention the rediculousness found in the fact that a female judge decided FOOTBALL's future. what the fuck is going on? i hope ray lewis makes him his leisure time bitch. gay.

-briggs mcjones

i thought it was just going to be a normal, boring, sleepy walk back from chemistry until i saw a squirrel eating a cupcake in a tree. as you can imagine, my day is now awesome.

-broach

no i dont have a ridiculous mullet, but here are more 40hands pics!

-coach

go0!
-othermike

-c&b

yay, my old philosophy teacher, who fell on the ice in december and had a hip replacement decided not to get out of bed today! no class! =D

cmon, that's not as bad as the time leon did a dance when our physics teacher didnt come in, only to find about a week later that he ended up dying.

-coach

we all remember brainstorming with ms. greenberg back in the day, dont we?


WEATHER
------------
ME

*cough* -coach *sniff*

new smitty column
all columns

-coach and broach

fuck you soda machine for stealing my dollar...guess im goin another day without laundering

-coach

so i got a nice little nose bleed this morning...i either gotta slow down on the coke, or more likey need to slow down on the rampant nose picking.

-broach mcjones

cbs, instead of apologizing and remaining a non-titty network, i suggest you take advantage of this debachle and reinvent yourselves... start with a new logo

thank you for your time, make checks payable to coach and broach inc.

-coach

ridiculous...although they pale in comparison to my lifelong masterpiece, "square boobies"

-coach

wow
-pat

-coachandbroachandpatriotsaregay

let the games begin
hows that taste
life as a 40hands

more pictures soon

-coach and broach

fuck the patriots

-broach

that was supposed to be my superbowl burrito...
im gonna hate myself in the morning

-coach

our attempt at mike-proofing the pantry with a top of the line anti-munchie defense system

-coach and broach

edward fortyhands: an overall success

pictures in a littler

-coach and broach

so i was up til 430 trying to do my damn music homework only to find out today at 930 that it was for monday...YAY

-tired

take the dove bars out of your book bag next time, jones. such a waste

-kljhsdfbroach

yea so my aim is fucked and wont connect...
class at 925
megh

-coach

smitty in all his glory

Berg of G (11:30:56 PM): hahaha ok, late to terrea de espanol, hello penguin game

-coach and broach

vAnDe1786 (10:45:48 PM): http://tempshared2.home.comcast.net/stfu.swf

-cnb

hahaha
-pat

-coach and broach

a fire alarm while im eating my fuckin sandwich, u gotta be kidding...at least i wasnt in the shower...

-coach

i woke up in the middle of the night last night sooo sweaty that i had to smell it to make sure i hadnt pissed the bed. no, i did not piss the bed. but yes it was pukario.

-briggity

so i went back to sleep after my morning class, no class again until 4...just to be safe i decide to set the alarm clock for 245 thinking i'll be able to do some reading before class if necessary...so, of course, just as im about to get to the unbelievable sex part of the dream, that had taken a long ass time to develop, beh, beh, beh, beh, alarm. ive never been more disappointed in my life...i mean, the scenario was brilliant, all the makings of an absolutely incredible sexual encounter, and im left with nothing but shattered dreams, so to speak, not even enough motivation to get out of bed a kerk...oh sweet irony

in my attempt to be a good student for a day, i lost sight of what was really important

peor

-a somber coach

Bassboss4 (3:29:12 PM): any who makes a computer virus should be killed a painfull death by droping one of those big ass old computers on there head

-coach and broach

even though we didnt get the performance on friday, were still keeping our heads up. i know in a year or two, this little hump in the road will be the first obstacle that "the juice" overcame in the True Hollywood Story: THe Juice. anywho- were gonna get a couple more originals and eventually put together a demo a cd- order now cuz theres a already a backorder of 6-8 months. were just that damn sexy.

-juice bros

"If you think you're too small to have an impact, try going to bed with a mosquito in the room"
-a different mike

-C&B

according to my diarreah-0-meter, the refrigerator life of an anna's burrito is not to exceed 2 days.
nuff said

-coach

apparently bill gates is up to his old tricks, trying to make you ie users buy a coachandbroach adapter-add on-upgrade-plug in-xp by only showing half the page, thus monopolizing the whole coachandbroach industry

no idea why but changing the window size (doesnt matter how) seems to fix it
maybe its because i taught that bastard everything he knows

-coachey

so pretty much our world just got shattered. no hall snacks. no friday performance. pick me up lord for i hath fallen.

i'll see you on the top of the tallest building.

$1000 Reward for the head of:
whoever was supposed to
do hall snacks tonight...

-the juice bros

talk shit- you know american idol is not that bad...that chinese guy is to good. she bangs she bangs....

-im gonna say this was coach

herschy

-cheezy and breezy

do i smell....yup HALL SNACKS TONIGHT!!!!!!!!! woohooooooo

-lksajdfjl

thankyou new england weather for officially dropping my penis size to an all-time low of -1 inch. fuck.

- babydick broach

so originally "The Juice" was gonna have its first performance this upcoming friday, but this girl shattered our dreams and said theyre was not enough room, that the show was already too long. now hold on people, before you do anything rash like plummet from the tallest building, realize there is still hope. Today, you see, i plan to find this girl and beat the shit out of her...well actually im just gonna call her crying and begging to please show some mercy and let us play. if this doesnt work, ill see you on top of the tallest building.

-broach

another horn tooter for you. goldberg mentioned this one to me and i couldnt agree more. i fuckin hate it when people say "overexaggerated." do you not realize what you are saying? its like saying you smell like shitpoop...but alot less funny.

-broach

"why dont we take a scenic drive to..uh...oh i dont know..suckface hill!"
-jt (with mullet), step by step

-that's right.

what tv show wins the lifetime achievement award? YOU KNOW its The Price is Right. anyone who has a different opinion is undoubtedly wrong.

-broachaloachaloach

i think this years lifetime achievment award should go to Red Berry. ANd if he doesnt win i think it should go to the Zebra Cake.

-broachaloach

great video passed to us by herschy

-coach and broach

in wrestling history i think its safe to say the best wrestler of all time was shawn michaels (hes not your boy toy). the best tag team of all time(not including oink and doink), im gonna say was the hart brothers, may owen rest in peace. the best bad guy of all time was definitely ted debiase, the million dollar man. please feel free to make comments if you have different, wrong opinions.

-broach

ugh very hung over but i have restored our archives
always working for the fans

-coach

long underwear are nice...theyre hilarious.

-l;aksdjflksdj

mike is a pukey puke hahahahahahhahahaha. pukario like mario...not mahrio.

-broachhjhh;slkdjflksjdf

if i have a son, it won't matter to me whether he's gay or straight, as long as he isn't gay.

-coach

compliments of the smits

-c&b

i think gamecube or PS2 should put out a new version of Tecmo Superbowl. Easily one of the classicestest football games ever. but this new version should have the same AMAZING graphics, along with the same genius-inspiring music. sometimes you just gotta race.

-broach

heres another thing that just toots my horn (angers me), again its a grammatical error...or more accurately, a pronunciation error but anywho: when people pronounce mario ( mahr-e-o) like mair-e-o. jesus fucking christ man, is nothing holy? im sure there will be more horn tooters soon...

-de broach

new smitty column
yip yip
find the coach and broach references for bonus points

-coach and broach

classic clip with great new flash video

-coach and broach

away messages
-pat

-coach and broach

sorry all you fags out there....but clay aiken is the biggest worthlessest piece of shit asss cock in the fucking world. fuck american idol for making me have to look at him. puke.

-broach

$4 for easy cheese? EXTORTION!

-C&B!

world rps society
an incredible find by mr. billy

-coach paper broach shoot

apparently us going on vacation and "slacking on posts" so to speak single-handedly led to the downfall of blogspeak, the service responsible for the commenting system...but have no fear, some other group of nerds decided to pick up the slack, so comments are back!
as for pictures, the fucking hosting site decided to make it so u cant link to pictures if you have a free account, so all our pictures are currently in our asses until further notice

megh

also, we will scratch your cnb-itch by posting regularly now that vacation is over

-coach and broach