since you asked, ill be happy to tell you a part of society that annoys me, though im sure some of you pussies may disagree. i find it particularly annoying and unnecessary when people say "god bless you" after a sneeze. who the fuck are you to tell god to bless me and more importantly i dont think i need "god's blessing" after just a pussy sneeze. maybe the next time i get punched in the face you can say it. im much less annoyed by the spanish retort of "salud" (to health). but i think that most people today only use it out of the attempt to avoid akwardness. i wont lie, if its just me and one person in a room, im most likely gonna say it. does that make me a hipocrit? maybe. but we as a society have built so much expectation upon that useless retort that there's an exteme akwardness if its not stated. even worse, today i sneezed and some dude next to me drops the full "god bless you." i roll my eyes and give a half hearted thanks. one might think that this would end the interaction but NO. he continued this all ready drawn conversation with a "your welcome." i dont think i need to say much more, so lets make an attempt to stop this stupidness and either say "salud" or just shut the fuck up.

-jones

when one is asked "what is the worst day of the week?" it is easy to automatically say "monday." but this is wrong and i will tell you why. the right answer is sunday. 1)Clearly you procrastinated and did no work all weekend leaving everything for sunday...disaster
2) you dont wake up till 3 and are still so hungover that (1) becomes near impossible.
3) my team sucks in fantasy, so football is nothing short of frustratingoed.
4) this should definitely be number one: SUNDAY NIGHT DEPRESSION
for those who arent familiar with SND, ill give you a brief explanation:
after (atleast) three nights of binge drinking, your body finally gives way and shuts down due to an overwhelming intake of depressants from the weekend. you start thinking about all the things wrong with your life; from school, to relationships, to your future. you consider doing something more meaningful- like volunteer, or maybe even joining the peace corps. you think about how ronery you are- and how all you want is to snuggle with someone...someone who isnt there. WARNING: no big decisions should be made on sundays. because of the magnitude of strength that comes with SND, no one, and im mean NO ONE should make life altering decisions i.e: transfering schools, getting back together with ex's, and suicide. but SND is different for everyone and i will now provide several testtimonies about what SND is for them.

FREEFREE: real depressed right now. i have a midterm tomorrow ive done nothing for. i dont have a book for it. all i can think about is whether or not im going to get out of it, and how disgusting the girl in my bed was last night. i have nothing, and my life has absolutely no meaning. at this point im a waste of space and a dissapointment. can feel tears in my eyes.
thats what sunday depression means to me"

L Suarez: "losing on a last second td pass"

Cohnbro: "feeling really down lately...fri and sat night u go out to try to have fun and maybe meet a lady...nosing seems to go right...nosing going on sunday night...everybody just doing their own thing...in their own room...just a rittre ronery..."

my big bro: just want to be in a dark room by myself, no point in talking to anyone because whats the point, another week coming up of the same stupid things, alcohol is ruining my life but i cant live without it

so there you have it folks

-jones and co.
thanks to all that offered their testimonials

hey, guys who live on the second floor of our house (mike, max, jim) could someone explain to me why NOT putting the tp on the roller is somehow easier? i think i speak for everyone when i say, install the new roll immediately. and dont argue, cuz u know u need 1 free hand for that crossword puzzle.

-coach

Somebody's gotta post...

Easily one of the funniest videos I've seen in a while
http://www.toxic.no/php/vis_film.php?id=82

-lawyer smitty

i just can't seem to get enough of this video, introduced to me by triznatch

-coach

Sometimes you just feel like a post is needed. And sometimes the only thing you can do is look to your good man Shaq. In his words....

Don't fake the funk on a nasty dunk.

PS - happy birthday smitty

-Smitty in Egypt

storkish: good god yall

-coachandbroach

SkylineEra Dylan ): worked till like 11
SkylineEra Dylan : then i went to a rubic's cube party
LonnieJonesBro : your officially THE biggest nerd of all time
SkylineEra Dylan : it was fun, we each had an articles of clothing, that were the rubic colors, then we mixed and matched such that we end up with one color
LonnieJonesBro : yeah uhh your out of the band
SkylineEra Dylan: don't hate
LonnieJonesBro: im sorry i must

-jones

too many guys so SOTP IT!

-du hands

-jones

this one is pretty sweet- take notes all you douchbags!

thanky big bro

-jones

well, on saturday night we witnessed first hand the utter power and overwhelming ability of jones's kavorka when some drunk bitch was inexplicably and uncontrollably thrust head-first into a fit of whoredom, followed closely by a fit of rage, when it became increasingly clear that he wanted nothing to do with her, and that she had made a complete and total skank out of herself

Jones here: so we were all just chilling in max and matts room- doing a J or somesing when this drunk chick walks into the room and straddles me. im like "wtf mate? if you werent a puke face this would funs." but she was. so she keeps trying to grab my glasses and i says "nos...you cannot has them." so then she jumps on top of me again and i yell in front of a room of about 10 "OH MY GOD this girl just ripped the dirtiest fart on me...everyone laughs at her face...i run to the bathroom and bring her back some T.P. at this point she decides she doth not like me. she then attempts to punch me in the face. several times. it then carries on outside the room where i decide to play with her a little bit more- its A.D.D. time. so push comes to shuv and somehow the mangina comes out and everyones having a great time except for whorey mcfuckerson. all in all it was HI-LA-REE-US.

-coach and Broach

and late

-coach and broach

the stuff dreams are made of
-ken

p.s. check out the guys shirt

-coach

okay, so being the lazy fuck that i am, whenever i see those automatic handicapped door openers i hit them so i can just walk through with no effort...and why the hell not? how come i get so many dirty fucking looks? i know theyre just thinking "i cant wait till you have no fucking legs and youll HAVE to push that blue square button." well to them i say eat a dick, cuz im gonna continue using the door helpers.
happy passover

-jones

Auto response from d0mmm (4:39:49 PM): With the recent surge in comic book heroes making the jump to the big screen Silver Pictures has signed Joss Whedon, creator of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, to write and direct the Wonder Woman feature film.
In related news, nobody cares and Wonder Woman is still the worst hero of all time.
I'll keep this short and sweet:
Wonder Woman's abilties are weak at best and greatly overshadowed by her weaponry. That's right evil-doers, tremble in fear at the Golden Lasso of Truth. No I did not make that up. She doesn't even fly. Who in their right mind would consider her the female counterpart to Superman if she lacks the standard hero ability of flight? What's worse is that in order to make up for this disappointment, she pilots an invisible airplane. It's a bird, it's a plane, its the gayest hero since gay came to gaytown.

-cooch

Berg of G (9:52:09 PM): sorry just had to share an awesome story with someone before im killed
Berg of G (9:52:23 PM): u would like to hear?
lil dosman (9:52:27 PM): jesm
Berg of G (9:53:01 PM): guy (black guy) takes my laundry out of the machine as im passing by and is dropping it all over the floor..
Berg of G (9:53:25 PM): i go up to him and say cant u use another machine i still have time left and he was like i already put money in this one or something
Berg of G (9:53:59 PM): so he takes my shit out with time left... so i went back 5 mins later and put a snickers in the dreyer with all his shit
Berg of G (9:54:31 PM): and its all white clothes... if i see him again i might die
lil dosman (9:54:37 PM): hahahahaha
lil dosman (9:54:44 PM): omg
lil dosman (9:54:48 PM): thats amazing
Berg of G (9:55:08 PM): it was a nice rush but now im genuinely worried...i mean he obviously lives in my building
lil dosman (9:55:17 PM): hahaha
Berg of G (9:55:47 PM): i hoping all white guys look the same to black guys bc even though im pretty sure ive never seen him, i obviously might not realize i have
lil dosman (9:56:35 PM): hahaha
Berg of G (9:59:45 PM): so yea if that doesnt end up on c and b i dotn know what will
lil dosman (10:00:23 PM): thats unbelievable

-coach and broach

so this is probably gonna be one of those posts that god is gonna use to explain why i ended up in hell. so you know how annoying those loud beeping noises are when a 18 wheeler is backing up? well theres this handicapped kid in one of my classes who uses a motorized scooter wheel chair to get around. the worst thing is that every time he goes in reverse that high pitched beep just screams. soo funny. i mean i can understand them on an 18 wheeler, its hard to understand why theyre on golf carts, but why in gods name is it on this kids wheel chair? its a goddam slap in his unusable legs! (told you i was going to hell)

-jones

so we all know that the jones is known for his crazzy (yes crazzy) dreams. so last night was dabbled on both ends of the spectrum- one amazing and one the worst one of all time. lets start with the beans. so im in the middle of driving somewhere in a car...all of a sudden i hear a crackling sound (in real life, in my room)... as im in on the brink of waking up i feel this huge spider thing crash on my face. i go from sleeping to ready to fight a rabid dog in one sec. apparently, the christmas lights (the blue icicle kind) that have been hanging over my bed crashed right on my face creating the scariest wake up ive ever excperienced.

the better dream was that i was performing on stage with incubus at this concert with only famous people. so all of a sudden all these random famous people from the crowd started coming onstage- most notably flava flav. so after we rock the house we decided to head to a party- me, lohan, jon stamos and rebecca romane ( however you spell that shit) so after we get to the party everyone gets out and i had been hitting on rebecca while jon was in the front seat. jon stamos notices and pulls her out, i respond with but "uncle jesse, we were just talking." immediately i realized this was a mistake. i saw his face get red and he pulled me out of the car to fight. at this point i did that "u know your gonna die so wake up tactic" and woke up. so that was that- pretty good i think.
late

-jones

well, once again i've outsmarted you all, solving my underwear problem the same way i've solved every problem i've been faced with in the past month. with krazy glue. yes, in honor of the upcoming easter holiday i resurrected an old retired pair of boxer briefs by reintroducing them to their old friend the waistband through the use of this glorious panacea in a tube. if it could only erase skidmarks my life would be complete.

-coach

here's a nice statistics problem for me to review for the test this morning at 10:30:
if i own 7 pairs of boxers, and the probability that i will wear each more than once is .9, i do laundry about once a month, and have a probability of .97 that i'm the greasiest kid you've ever met, what is the probability that i will be wearing a shirt as underwear to the test?

highly likely from what i see
-coach

so a couple nights ago i really had one of the weirder dreams of my life. So me and the band were in this Krispy Kreme store- it was like a wal mart that specialized in make your own krispy kreme. So for some reason i was making a doughnut sandwich: sub roll, two donuts, salami and mustard. yumm. it was kinda big and i was struggling to get it closed when coach came over to offer assistance. He proceeded to let me know that the secret to keeping a sandwich tight is oil and vineger. and it stuck...clearly. so i then approached the cash register and the lady at the register asked me if i wanted to join the "Duncan Heinz Donut club". i said no thanks. "but its free and you can get coupons for free dontus." i told her no thanks and she responded with "i said it was FREE, arent you jewish?" so i was like what the fuck lady, lemme see your manager. after arguing with the manager about his anti-semitic employee he went to the storage room and came back. as reparations for having to deal with this antisemitism he brought me three notebooks, a tennis racket, and two smaller racquet ball rackets. OBVIOUSLY i gracioulsy accpeted his offering. i guess alls fair in love and donuts and kikels and tennis rackets.

-stupid broach

this morning punxatawny mike came out of his hole and didn't see a "shadow" aka the desire to kill himself. break out the wiffleballs and the pasty white legs its officially springtime!

-coach

firstly, sorry to all the catholics out there about your pope, atleast for him mitch hedberg will be there to cheer him up. what a bummer that hes gone too. But the reason im writing is this concept of how the next pope is chosen. from what ive heard its exactly like a coach voting a player for the allstar game; you have to vote for a certain number of people and you cant vote for anyone from your team. "For the First pick in the 2005 draft, the Cardinals choose..."

-jones

today at lunch we encountered an interesting character who asked if he could sit with us, as we were getting ready to leave dewick. i didn't think much of it, and rather than shatter his hopes and dreams i figured, sure sit down. his name was bob and he was from indiana. bob was travelling around different colleges trying to sell his book, "confessions," which must have seemed like a good title at the time (either that or "my way"). essentially its bob's journal. he explained that it is a search for reasoning behind the collegiate alcohol and kissing culture or something and pointed out that "you can celebrate alcohol and that's fine, but i'm looking to go straight to the kissing." im not really sure what that means but i found it hard to believe that bob had landed many chicks in his day. to truly understand why any person might actually be interested in reading bob's journal, they have to experience his personality, which is best described as dr. ewen on speed (maybe with a touch of first mate in there). the guy was so damn excitable i thought he might combust when leon and matt each bought a copy of "confessions" just to bring us to a point where we could stand up and leave the table.

-coach

so i have always gotten a lot of shit from my parents about the fact that i started drinking ans smoking too early- when i was 13 or 14... to them i say this: ive recently been reading "scar tissue" anthony Kiedis of the chili pepper's book- this crazy bastard did his first line of coke when he was 11, heroin by 14. he also got laid when he was 11. they say that the earlier you start doing drugs the greater the chance of becoming an addict, but i think those people shouldnt count his 15 year heroin binge and because his music is the bomb diggity dog. good book by the way.

jones

im writing today in a bad mood. why you ask? well i was watching a good dose of full house when it went to commercial...and what comes on?...it was another one of those fucking jamster commercials. does anyone really buy these things? i mean you can order a cool graphic for your phone that says "get that paper" or "g-Unit" but besides those who would ever buy these things? i swear to god, call me bitter, but if i ever run into that dancing purple elephant on the street im gonna rape its soul.

love, broach

hey guys its good ol L Jones. sorry i havent posted in a while...i ve been trying to stay in college for more that one semester. so anywho me and mike and a couple people have had a bit of an argument recently- it has to do with our on bed egg crates. i believe that the mat should go nipples down so your getting the comfort without the pokes. everyone ive talked to has disagreed with me but im standing tough...let me know how you do your do.

jones

so sik wit it
pretty dificile, but nothing can stop team nizzle

-coacher

shock and awe.
not quite sure what to make of this...all i can say is some people are both clever and disgusting

-from rok

-coach and broach

and just like that the sun is up. another night of awakedness longevity training in the books and a few meaty posts under my belt. i mean, unless of course you lost interest around the first couple. then i've just been doing the world a grave injustice.

shout out to:
1. allie for forgetting her keys in a friend's car tonight, for it was through her mentioning of her situation that i came to the realization that i too had left my keys in a friend's car and wouldn't have been able to get into my room if it hadn't been pointed out just then. see these are the kinds of things that i fuck up a lot on. so i need to be surrounded by people that occasionally fuck up also, that way i have a checklist going. when someone fucks up and i hear about it, i'm able to take a second and say "hmmm..self, did you fuck up too? cuz that sounds like ur kinda move." tonight the answer was yes.

and

2. ken for spoiling me with a feeze pop and the opportunity to enjoy a game of turtles in time after my trip to rectify the key situation, AND a handful of oreos for the long, cold walk home.

-coach

second episode:

lows:
1. uncle jesse refusing to help dj with her stay in school campaign and reveals that *gasp* he never graduated from high school. apparently a teacher named mr. pearson was an enormous cocknugget and ripped on the jesse for forgetting the whitman poem, "o captain, my captain," so he went to the bathroom for 11 years. pointage: -3 for leading off with drama.
2. mr pearson, obviously jesse's night school teacher (in a bizarre twist of fate) a total dick. pointage: -3 for predictability, +2 for effectiveness of character = -1

highs:
1. inspriational speech by aunt becky to convince jesse to go back to school
2. the jessman being recognized in class by a jessie and the rippers fan. "you played at smash club!" jesse proceeds to teach the fan how to do a badass kick while rocking out on keyboards. pointage: +14
3. freakin classic scene of jesse telling michelle that she shouldn't give up on learning to tie her shoes (at about the age of 9) and teaching himself a little lesson about the importance of persistence and hard work, after walking out of class earlier that night. +3 for convention

overall (again not related to points): A-
caught off-guard with dramatic opening scene but having the man, the myth, the legend as the focal point of the episode brings this half hour out on top.

-coach

scooby doo: crazy zombie woman that sticks kids into movies or something tripped out. pretty standard really.

full house:

lows:
1. some intense moments where steve "comes between" dj and danny, a tense triangle is being brought to its elastic limit, when steve decides that he can't come between dj and her father, and must stop seeing her. pointage: -4.
2. cheesy scene featuring logical, objective (danny)-just tell me how you feel (vicky) dichotomy where danny rerealizes what its like to be in love and realizes he's being a cock. pointage: -6

highs:
1. debut of the rushhour renegades, uncle jesse high on cold pills pointage: +6 (nostalgic trivia bonus)
2. kimmy gibbler coming through with great comments e.g. when dj contemplates spending the night at kimmy's and she replies "uh, you might not wanna do that deej, my dad's run out of foot deodorant." points: +3
3. big kiss by aunt becky to awaken the slumbering uncle jesse, who passed out shitfaced on nyquil. pointage: +8 +2 for red-haired aunt becky = +10

overall grade (in no way related to point system): C+
too dramatic and danny-heavy

next episode being viewed currently.

-coach

oh my goodness, had it still been on, i would have cleansed my pallet with a small dose of ronco, but scooby doo has now made an appearance in my night on cartoon network and it looks like ive got a solid hour of full house lined up on nick at nite. glorious despite repetitive chocolate factory commercials.

-coach

more points earned for:

dre's master plan being to have a "bikini" wash rather than the current "rapper/aspiring rapper wash" to generate revenue. the answer was right under our nose all along, and the little guy from how to be a player

overall rating: C+, derivative: positive

-coach

first scene that i see:

a black beetle is parked outside at the wash, getting finished up by the guy. he is holding a washcloth. girl approaches from the right. he hands her her keys.

[guy]

do come again.

[girl]

yo where was the stuff i had in here?

ok im not going to write the whole thing like this...but basically she accuses him of stealing some money from out of her car while washing it. he then explains to us that if he takes something, he takes something big, not a few measley dollars". they exchanged "you don't know me"'s, and she drove away while he tried to give her 3 dollars back. i fear we may never get to the bottom of this.

then there was a scene that revealed that snoop and dre are roommates at odds in this movie, as snoop smoked a blunt with two bitches on the couch, while dre comes out of his room to ask that they turn the music down. snoop shuts his punk ass up and scene.

bonus points for: snoop and dre being antagonists, snoop being amazing and spitting "i paid the cost to be the boss" and a bunch of things too overdubbed to decipher, the owner of "the wash" being named mr. washington or "mr. wash" for short, and the light skinned brother from how to be a player.

to his credit, vin diesel mentioned the acronym npc is his interview with conan.
conan also made the whole "having vin diesel on the show" thing with a hilarious "leonard diesel" skit. next guest -> random person...time to check out the wash only on upn

-coach

its 4:15 am, i'm just coming off a turtles in time quickie with ken and my tv choices are ron popeil knives en espanol, or a conan rerun thats already past the monologue, or ("laugh-cenral") and conan just said "you have seen my first guest in the films xXx and the fast and the furious, or the wash starring dr. dre. so i need opinions here folks..not as to which one to choose, im of course going to be flipping evenly between the three...what i can't figure out is whether i love or hate this programming selection.

"..and in no way is that depressing"

im not sure if ive posted about this yet, but i do know that i havent made a post in about 4 years. so here goes...i spilled a shitload of water on my computer earlier last month and incapacitated the keyboard for a day. when the water covered it, i tried to frantically rip off all the keys in order to dry the circuitry underneath the keyboard and removed the following keys: 7, 8, y, u, i, g, h, j, k, n, m, b, space bar, alt, ctrl. the next day when it started working again i reattached all of the keys, except the U key which was broken in the process. and have been using a penny for a key for the past 4 weeks.

well i finally picked up some krazy glue and fixed that shizzle so no more wandering u key for me. i can hit the letter u quickly and accurately from now on...check it out....uuuuuu
u
u
u
bitches

oh yea and also we saw mitch hedberg tonight
hellz yea

-coach

Smitty81412 (7:01:13 PM): how do blind people know when they are done wiping
LonnieJonesBro (7:01:30 PM): probably the best question i have ever heard
LonnieJonesBro (7:01:33 PM): i have no idea
Smitty81412 (7:01:37 PM): mind boggling
LonnieJonesBro (7:01:40 PM): you just think of that?
Smitty81412 (7:01:51 PM): i was typing my yiddish culture exam and all of a sudden it hit me
Smitty81412 (7:02:02 PM): there is this blind kid in the class, every time he sits down he might have a poopy butt

-jones

the look on your face was priceless

-coach and broach

i just got a retainer that i have to wear at night because i grind my teeth. its kinda uncomfortable but not too bad...the problem is that i think i have some sort of unconscious distaste for it (pun). lets recap the occurences of the first three nights of my wearing it. NIGHT 1: i wake to find it under my bed. NIGHT 2: i wake to find it a few feet away from my bed, on the floor. NIGHT 3: i wake to find it being grasped in my hand. tonight will be night 4 and i shall keep you posted. i was also wondering how long it takes to smell like a dead mans asshole.

-jones

its probably a good thing that my alarm has been going off every day at 10am while i was gone. you know, not so much for me but for jared.

-coach

my weekend getaway went pretty smoothly, despite not playing any cards while in miama and not arriving back at school til 430 am. i didn't forget anything too important at home, which is obviously a first for me. i got to spend some quality time with my lover, even though i gave her the stomach illness and projectile vomiting that i was stricken with (by the way im really sorry about that), met a girl with a 6 week old miniature bulldog, played some lax with the raiders (albeit a very poor performance by a once proud player), and ate plenty of wendy's/burger king. of course the highlight of the trip came on the plane ride back to boston, while i was watching some old poker tourney on espn classic, before the invention of pocket-cams for hole card viewing and the use of onscreen graphics to help viewers follow the betting action, and i glanced over at my neighbor's screen only to find her intently watching the "esteban: the gift of music" guitar package infomercial.

-coach

look- thats a flying plewkalakalaka...maybe its my untreated ADD, but this kid doesnt really get old for me.
-du goldberg

joneser

despite how fucking freaky that anti weed commercial with the grandma who appears everywhere is...THIS might just be the one that does the trick.

-jones

does anyone know what bile tastes like?
i do.
it looks like mountain dew...but not quite as refreshing...plus it doesnt make you want to do anything EXTREME other than passing out

-coach

little something i came across while reading away messages...some good ADD/advice from alain squindo's tio jorge:

"oye, y hace frio en washington?"
"si, tio"
"bueno, en mi experiencia, el mejor calor es el de una mujer....si..asi es.. pero cuidate porque hay muchas enfermedades en la calle...entonces ponte un sombrero."

-coach

ok, now THIS is definitely pushing it...

from the jay

-jones

so today was officially my worst school day ever...after staying up all night doing a fuckin problem set for stat and thusly not studying for my calc test (why am i in that class anyway?) i awoke 15 minutes after the test had started...after the test kicked my ass for an hour or so, i went to turn in my problem set and, goody, was told that it was due for class and is therefore late, which means the teacher will take it, look at it, correct it, and then wipe his ass with it and not record the grade. so a lot of fucking good it did me to put all that damn effort into that shit...

-bitter at the universe

pretty good...especially if your the proud owner of A.D.D.

from the handy man

-jones

lauren sends video to many peoples. it is funny commercial.
gentlement, behold.

-coach and broach

so for those of you who haven't heard/seen yet:
there you have it

-coach

i was in the shower and a long asked philosophical question jumped into my head. i am yet to approach my philosohy 101 professor nor have i beckoned the local priest or rabbi; instead, obviously, i ask you. so...when in the shower and after youve applied a good amount of soap to your hand (we'll say liquid soap for now), you proceed to clean the ol stink hole. after a thorough washing, my question comes into play...do you have to wash that hand again with more soap??? i mean, theres still soap from the previous application- but is it rotten? is it unclean? am i fucking dirtbag for even asking this? please let me know what your thoughts are so i can make the possible lifestyle changes.
thankyou,
-your jones bro

how do you say "i missed my oppurtunity and now i have to settle for jerking off to these pictures on the internet?" like this....

-jones

compliments of a badoo. a;sldkjfl;askd

-jones

you've heard of the holocaust- THIS is the opposite of that...amazing and a half.....36 today, 26 yesterday, 1 the day before- let me know if anyone gets that

-C & B

for all those freudians who can decipher dreams- what the fuck does this mean: last night i had a dream that i got a tatto that said "i love strawberries"
riddle me that shit

-jones

"big ups" to blaker who is making something of himself while the rest of us are competing to see who falls down in the snow more often than the other.

-coach

we were all pleasantly surprised when we returned to school to find that the toilet paper had been significantly upgraded. in addition, purell dispensers were installed in every bathroom, which is terribly convenient. the downside, however, as ken pointed out, is that i now spend 75% of the day walking around with food and/or fecal matter on my hands, which doesn't bother me so much as other people, who arent aware that im 99.9% disinfected. so if i shake someone's hand, and they are disgusted to find that i've caused it to change color, i have to be sure to relive them. "oh don't worry, i purelled. you can be 99.9% unconcerned about that."

-coach

they shoot, she scores

-du goldberg

so we're sitting around the table at dinner and the conversation was as follows:

mike (to our friend max): so is your name really Maxamillion?
max: no its Maxwell, actually...i thought it was just max until my Bar mitzvah invitaion said maxwell.

if you knew max, youd understand.

-jonesy

little ditty here from the shankmeister general

-coach

btw we've got some good stuff on the way for u loyal readers so sit tight and eventually we WILL blow your asses off once again

me and the big brother talking about The Juice's new music thinger that we're a part of- called myspace.com. it allows you to view the people who have become your friends:

NateDoggsz: some real ugly girls on there
LonnieJonesBro: oh yeah
NateDoggsz: haha
LonnieJonesBro: but its like mining- you have to sift through a shitload of dirt to find the gold
NateDoggsz: im sifting right now

-the jones

ps we're gonna try and start getting back on track with the postings- sorry for all you out there who were in withdrawal for so long

i thought this(from nikki) was pretty awesome

-coach

id just like to let everyone know that im going to annas now.

-this guy

im really glad im not on that show laguna beach. last night i had a dream that i was, and the whole episode was about that i had gotten real drunk and took a shit on this girl's carpet. no reality shows for the jonesbro

-jonesypones

"i'm a level 7 vegan. i dont eat anything that casts a shadow."

today was host to a particular monstrosity i was unsure how to cope with...as im walking up the hill to go to class in the snow, some guy standing there trying to pass out...as he put it "'why vegan?' pamphlet"s. i had to hold myself back from spitting in his face for trying to convert me...i mean its like trying to convice me to be gay...not that this is a knock on people of either gay or vegan descent, but in both situations you're trying to convince me to give up something i really enjoy and replace it with something else, that, of which i would really prefer as little as possible...

all praise be to the nuge

-coach

so here i am, layin back in the cut ready to do some music homework while watching a little saved by the bizzy, when i am abhorred by the title screen with which i am presented:

SAVED BY THE BELL
HAWAIIAN STYLE

fuck that. give me classics, malibu sands, maybe even a little good morning miss bliss, but NO new class, NO college years, and certainly NO hawaiian trip that somehow brings mr. belding 2000 miles away from bayside into a coincidental run in with the group as principal association tour guide...thats just ridiculous

also, the fact that the actors are now easily over 20, and there is no laugh track makes the poor theatrical performances impossible to cover up

also irritating is the fact that as disappointed as i am, i'm still going to be distracted from my work by this monstrosity

-disgusted coach

too good. go canes
from the big natedog

0jones

night before halloween in miami:

its me (semi-sober), domm (semi-sober), and goldbeargo (shwasted) in the car waiting in line for taco bell. goldbeargo is fading in and out of conciousness. all they have left is the cheesy gordita crunch.

DOMM: "im gonna have to go with two."
JONES: "Count me in for one, and im sure goldberg will want two"
GOLDBEARGO(wakes up and says): "Better make it an even seven"

amazing considering this is the guy who passed out standing up leaning against a palm tree about 30 mins before.

JONES

in decision time, i ask that we join together in a bipartisan union to pay respects by commemorating some of history's real american heroes

http://www.ksilebo.com/realamerican/

-coach

so apparently this team called the "red sox" won a little local baseball tournament known as the "world series" and have become "world champions" for the "first time" in "86 years"

thats kinda cool.
if i carried my camera on me like im supposed to you would be seeing some crowded streets, a lot of drunk people, a couple streakers, and a whole bunch of police with helmets

-coach

everything's more intense when eminem says it...

-jones

how do you say "caught being a fake-singing whore whose famous for having nice tits and an even hotter sister?" like this

thanky dom

-JONES

wow this place was going crazy...for all those who were wondering, apparently the reversal of a curse calls for some very organized shouting in front of the president's house, lighting the quad on fire and a great big disappointing lack of boobies

-guy

as some know, the wise, observant, keen, and always impulsive jones bro has coined some clever terms for the good of his fellow man's vocabulary. the following are his two latest noble peace prize nominated terms:

THE MEXICAN DUGOUT:
formerly known as "the dutch oven." when you fart under the covers so that all the gases are trapped, leaving an extremely potent vacuum of ass-gas.

THE MEXICAN SUBMARINE:
when your in the bath tub and you fart and watch that bubble of gas swim towards the surface and then its the most potent fart of life. (if anyone knows how or why this phenomenon occurs, or would like to make an attempt at cracking one of life's most stumpalizing puzzles, please post under comments)

-the jonesiest bro

rush delivery available

cmon by THIS CD!! (voice implied by italics)

-coach

so this is less funnny than craziest thing ever: im flying to DC to visit carow and i woke up real early to catch this 7 oclock plane. so im sleeping on the plane when im woken up by a voice blasting over the intercom "ARE THERE ANY DOCTORS ON THE PLANE, WE HAVE A MEDICAL EMERGENCY!" so that wakes my ass up. turns out some guy went into cardiac arrest and his heart actually stopped for 30 seconds. they had to break out the defibulizersrerers and shock this guy in the back of the plane. of course im sitting in the second to last row. so as soon as we land paramedics storm the plane and take this guy out on a stretcher to the hospital. but im a alive so thats cool.

jones

Twas the night before the playoffs and all through the town,
All the Yankee fans were dancin around like a bunch of coked up clowns.
The assholes in pinstripes were gearing up for the playoff run,
but when those bitches get swept, now THAT will be FUN.
Kevin Brown punches walls, and Shefield his wife,
Where's Karim Garcia you ask? He's doing 25 to life.
Now onto A-Rod, he's the best there is right?
Too bad he's a punk who got bitched in a fight.
If Mariano comes in in the ninth a comeback is hard,
Unless your the Red Sox and you just take him 'Yad.
I can't forget Moose, Jorge and Torre,
Hideki Matsui what the fuck is your story?
let's all make some noise...
THE YANKEES SUCK,

from the eric cuz

-FUCK THE YANKEES

coach's birthday update number 2

well i guess the whole journal thing doesnt really work if you get too lated to even remember that a chronological series of events even took place...needless to say i forgot to take any pictures but shit if you havent seen me drinking beer yet, i dont know why youre reading my blog to begin with...the weekend was real fun, especially with my lady here to both clean and decorate my room, and assuming i make it through this week, theres more light at the end of the tunnel in the form of columbus day...all in all, birthday blog: failure...birthday itself: success

-coach

Jones' coaching update NUMBER 2

so i said that i wanted to get an average og one technical every two games. well today, although it wasnt me, it was another mandler. so weve just gone on a 9-0 run to come within two points of the numb 1 team. we've been getting fucked on bs calls all game and ive already been warned for yelling at the ref. so theres another horrible call and im about to flip out when i hear my little brother eli yell "thats the worst call ever." the assfuck ref walks up to him and says "you wanna see a worse call?" and slaps him with a technical. eli proceeds to go up to him and scream "FUCK YOU" in his face. clearly he was then ejected and suspended for one game. that a go little bro. even though they ended uip getting 6 free throws and thus going up 8 and taking us out of the game- i still gotta respect the little guy

JONES

10:30 wake up and shower

10:55 first birthday beer

11:00 breakfast

11:30 commence official beer drinkings to tunes including coolio and tbe boss

-birthday face

so btw my birthday is on saturday...which also happens to be homecoming, so it should be both wild AND crazy...in an effort to thrust myself back into the rhythm of posting i may do some kind of sportsguy-style journal/picture log throughout the day as it should be a fun time

just giving yall a heads up to let u know we're gonna be posting more regularly around here

-coach

today i was reacquainted with one of the most puzzling and uncomfortable marvels of the human body, relief of which has thus far proven a fruitless effort by modern science. the rare gastrointestinal dichotomy of the hungry deuce...youre feeling the effects of not eating breakfast 5 hours ago, but you also know a formidable encounter with the porcelain throne is one the way, so youre caught in this strange state of trying to keep part of your body relaxed, while keeping other *ahem* closely related parts clenched in defensive position...finally you are out of class...but what to do first? i suppose the obvious answer is to clean the pipes, you cant very well enjoy your meal otherwise, but while it is the only option, its no walk in the park...the inherent problem is theres nothing in the stomach, moving the natural flow along...you're working with nothing but voluntary intestinal peristalsis here folks, and that isnt the more luxurious manner of business most of us have become accustom to...the result is often an sloppy, laborous, and drawn-out debachle that is wholly unsatisfying...good thing you've got an order of chili cheese nachos and a buffalo chicken sandwhich to help things move along smoother next time.

-le coach

don't you go dyin on me
-du ken


-coachandbroach

crazy folks

-pat

-coachandbroach

this is nice

-compliments of brazilian dani

-the jones

Auto response from CAROL290 (3:08:41 PM):
dear bulemic girl down the hall,
you are stupid. go to the gym. dont puke. it makes my bathroom gross.
love,
skinny girl who manages to stay that way while simultaneously being healthy (its a beautiful thing. you should try it. do it, do it)

-coachandbroach

so today on my plane trip back to school i committed one of the most faux of all pauxs...in fact it was so off putting that i had to ask a college professor what word to use to describe it to you...so i fell asleep, as i tend to do, and for whatever reason found myself dreaming that my mouth was bleeding...so im dreaming that im spitting all this blood out over and over...eventually i awoke to find my chin, neck, chest and stomach completely covered in drool to the point that i was cold due to my wet shirt...it was pretty gross and if i hadnt fallen back to sleep immediately, i would have probably been pretty embarrassed

-coach

Golapagos (2:58:42 AM): we can officially be in our new rooms

iVeRs17872 (2:58:46 AM): yup

Golapagos (2:58:47 AM): and they'll really be our rooms

iVeRs17872 (2:58:51 AM): YEA they will

Golapagos (2:58:56 AM): so i'll be sleepin in my OWN bed

Golapagos (2:58:57 AM): instead of yours

iVeRs17872 (2:59:02 AM): ewww

iVeRs17872 (2:59:05 AM): im sleepin in ur beeed

Golapagos (2:59:09 AM): and I'll stop getting that god damn jew mail

iVeRs17872 (2:59:17 AM): yea/

iVeRs17872 (2:59:22 AM): I got this hot sister mail all the time

Golapagos (2:59:26 AM): good one

so for some reason im a basketball coach. despite being the JCC league, id still say im somewhat underqualified. anywho, today we got our first win, and fittingly, i got my first technical. my goal is to average one every two games and two ejections on the year...root for me

-jones

Sign up for smitty emails from around the world. You know you want to. Not that I can guarantee anything good.


asmitty-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

-smizza

just in case you ever needed to get your bearings straight

-haoeoearoearnds

-coach

Borat soundboard

Wa wa we wa

my new favorite sex move(brought to my attn by dom):
The Ashe Wednesday: When you are done having anal sex with a girl, you whip it out of her ass, spin her around & slap it on her forhead leaving a brown mark right in the middle.

too good
-the jones

i hate cats. im definitely a dog person. i dont understand why the fuck anyone would like cats in this world when there are dogs. dogs give companionship and are loyal. a cat licks itself and seems like its always planning your demise. ok...ill admit...maybe one in every 47 cats are ok...but thats only cuz THEY ACT LIKE MOTHERFUCKING DOGSS!!! save the fucking time and get a dog. dumb fucker

-the jones, who is back in action (from the south)

-Captain Smee

Looks like you all could use at least something to help pass the time....

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators
during the 2004 Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw
her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from
personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother
and father."

4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries,and even some deaths
in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can
expect the same thing again."

6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't
like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the
IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've
got eleven Dicks on the field."

9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is
that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses
them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"


-"about to get really really wet in Miami" Smitty

can you feel the heat down in your soul?

-coachandbroach

its 430 am and i have just applied face wash to my toothbrush...i just hope i didnt wash my face with toothpaste, as it would start to burn real bad in a few seconds...

-coach