HEARETH MY DECREE:
i move to abolish single stuffed oreos. well maybe not abolish them. but the default oreo should undoubtedly be double stuffed. i think that we should only have to choose from either double stuffed or quadruple stuffed in the cookie aisle. anyone who prefers single to double is obvioulsy half as awesome.

-Jonesy

well here you have it folks...for almost a year now, unbeknownst to all of us, the cookie monster has been undergoing a health transformation. even the song "c is for cookie," has been CLIAAAPPED and replaced by the new "cookie is a sometime food." utter bullshit. im glad that rachel brought this blasphemy to my attention so that i could...well, whine about it i guess. GODDAMN!

read an article about it here:
c is for cockass

-coach

representing the ol Tufts University. WHAT NOW

-C&B

good news maybe now people can sue a fast food franchise for giving them something they didn't ask for.

haeoaornds

-coachandbroach

what do you get when you cover a pile of cottage cheese with a floral bedsheet?

-Jones

sorry

public finance homework: farmer jones produces honey using bees. his marginal cost curve is (whatever). farmer smith produces apples from his orchard. his marginal cost curve is (whatever).

j: hey, thats you (leon) and jared (smith).

coach: do farmers call each other by that title? like doctors?

jones: like do you send an invitation to farmer and mrs. jones?

coach: "well, mister jones.."
"excuse me, i didn't spend the last 45 years NOT going to school to be called 'mister' thank you very much."

-coach and broach

away message from JPOGMD4788:

My favorite day of the yr..the post Valentines Day fallout. Its a hilarious day and ill tell u why. There is such a dichotomy in the female community today. On 1 side u have the girls who had dates or boyfriends, and these girls actually think now bc their guys were all nice and lovey to them and romantic for 1 night that their boyfriends actually like them haha.On the other side u have the girls who were too pathetic to even be able to milk a guy into taking them out and catering to them and they are all bitter today. Its interesting to see the differences in these 2 groups of hos and u can tell right away bc some girls r all giddy today and others are soo depressed. My question for u all out there tho is this: Which group of girls is more pathetic and stupid? The girls who are being tricked by their dates/bfs or the ones who couldnt even get tricked?? Its an interesting discussion and the moral is all girls are sooo dumb. I love having a penis.



(The feelings and messages expressed in this presentation are in no way sponsored by or affiliated with The Coach & Broach network. All correspondence pertaining to the prior issue should be filed elsewhere. Nevertheless, C&B co. will take full responsibility for the distribution of this hilarity)

cheers to having a penis!

-C&B

Alright Miam Hurricanes!!! Maybe we should just stick to football.

from the jare-jare files

-C&B

As a jew, im frankly disgusted at my religion. How could, after all this time, they keep one of the greatest culinary secrets from me. im talking ham here people...honey baked. Since coach's mom sent a monster leg of honey baked hammy goodness to the house, my life has been changed. Turkey is a thing of the past and my eyes are fixed on the future: me and ham, ham and me. It's the last thing on my mind when i lie down and the first thing when i rise up. Granted im nauseaseous (obviously no clue how to spell that)for a good portion of every day since that package arrived, but i couldnt ask for a better mate this valentime's day. i love ham. i love ham. i love ham. and ham. this is probably worse than my snood addiction.


-Jones

For those who havent seen this yet, THIS is the future salvation for the Canes football program. and HERE are a couple more pictures of the man-child when he was 15 fucking years old. he is now a junior and im wet in aspiration just waiting for him to be in a canes jersey.

thx trenchy

-C&B

so did anyone know that the Captain Planet theme song was written and copyrighted by Phil Collins? i find that amazing...i mean that i could be in the dark about such an achievement that was such a big part of my youth. The Power is Yours!

-jones

popozao

-coach

how does that little space behind the hinges on the toilet seat get so damn dirty? it honestly looks like everyone is just avoiding the toilet's actual opening and just shitting between the seat and the tank. oh, and also they have way too much hair in their diets.

-coach

it was just brought to my attention that im apparently completely out of line by standing up to wipe. several of the bitches i apparently live with say that "everyone in the world" wipes sitting down. i think only women do. i dont think im wrong in standing and if i am so be it- im not changing my ways at this point in the game.

please let me know how you do

-leon

P.S. the next theyre gonna tell me is that im supposed to wash my hands afterwards.

coach response:

personally, the act of ass wiping has gone through a lot of evolution throughout my life. i remember the first time i had to poop in preschool. the bathroom was in between my class and my brother's first grade class next door. luckily he was in the bathroom at the same time as me and i was able to ask, "hey. soo...how do i wipe my butt?" hell if i know what i had been doing up until that point, but he told me to crumple up a ball of paper and use that. so for a while thats how it went down. eventually, as i got older, and my motor skills developed, i was able to conserve paper (although i can still go through a roll in a few sittings) by using a nice fold-over style layering process. now this whole time, i had been a standing wiper for whatever reason.

[SPOILER WARNING!!]

then one fateful day i rose from the throne to clean up, and, lo and behold, i witnessed the descent of a dingleberry onto the shorts around my ankles. and ever since, i have always been a sitter. thankfully, i was in the comfort of my own home, but for the love of god, take this bit of advice, my friend:

BETTER SAFE THAN STAINED.

-coach

being away from miami has hurt me in more ways than one. not eating fast food every night has weakened my stomach's defenses, and now one little trip to taco bell for a good to go crunchwrap supreme and a cheesy gordita crunch leave me feeling like i have a bear trap in my stomach

-coach

I must say that im a big fan of the low-cut jeans. on girls. They look great but lets not pretend there isnt any down side. im talking butt crack here people. Theres nothing i enjoy less than seeing a girl's butt crack- and heres the weird part: it doesnt matter if its the hottest girl cuz she, too, as a gross butt crack. i think i may know why that is: Mischa Barton's butt crack would look the same as Michael Vitiello's butt crack (well maybe that wasnt the perfect example but you get what i mean). i dont need to be walking through the dining hall and have my meal corrupted by some nasty ass cracks...sorry to the fat girls, skinny girls, ugly girls and hot girls alike. Its naaasty. Now if i could somehow see the bottom half of the girl's ass, like in those "boys'" underwear panties, then id be in business.

-JOnes

p.s. the only crack i could ever like would be Jack Bauer's

although i couldve deduced that the male cheerleader was gay, i opted to look at his facebook profile...i not find it under "interested in:" but rather under the following:

INTERESTS: Gymnastics, Cheerleading, Clubbing, Dance, horror movies, photography, printmaking, graphic design, biology, gay, music, qaf, gay pride


this is copied and pasted right from the profile...not that theres anything wrong with that.


-Jones