oh really fool? really?! side kick!

-coach and broach

well today i might say that i had my best college experience thus far. sadly, it was with five 14 year old kids. i hear this group of boys outside my window; they were riding around on theyre bikes screaming in there akward in between voices. if anyone has seen our dorm, its surrounded by somewhat of a moat, about 10-15 ft deep. so of course i had to take advantage of these 14 year olds and this 12 foot drop. i told one of the kids i would pay him 20 bucks if he jumped off the ledge on his bike. so this fourteen year old, pressured by an elder asshole (yours truly), made the jump. amazing to say the least. of course his front wheel went straight into the ground, throwing him over the handle bars and his head STRAIGHT into the ground. while his friends were yelling "call an ambulance," me and mike were laughing our asses off. the kid was fine, just with a huge welt on his head and dirt all over his body. once he got up and felt his head, he asked "what am i gonna tell my mom?" (in classic 14 year old fashion). so that was that. after i told the fat one of the group that i would give him 3 oreos if he pissed on his friends bike. he obliged. so did one of the others. pissed all over the bike. a great day to say the least.

-c&B

what the fuck is a cranberry? i mean, has anyone ever seen one?

jones

note: the following is a story that dom read, not actually experienced.

d0mmm (1:17:09 AM): Ok so yesterday was my cheat day. Probably put away about 8k cals including a lot of alcohol last night. Im at the usual weekend frat parties and i've been talking to this girl for the majority of the night. She's 19, so still a little on the immature side, but im only 21 so its all good. Anyway i've talked to this girl a few times before, and to make a long story short I ended up going back with her to her dorm. About another 8shots later, we end up fooling around on her bed, didnt bang her, but did pretty much everything else.

d0mmm (1:17:19 AM): So about 10min's into her giving me head, I had to drop the fattest shit in my life. All my meals were followed by 3tsp of metamucil so I could get lots of fiber in me to combat the carbs a litte. Anyway im holdin my #2 in and finally it goes away. We both end up passing out on her bed, she's butt naked and im in my boxers. I must have passed out about 10min after she did around 3am. I wake up at about 8am to piss and I find myself covered in shit.

d0mmm (1:17:25 AM): Im thinking WTF, and what happened was I shit myself when I was sleeping. It was all over the bed, sheets,etc.... Im freakin out so I did the most horrible thing in the world. She's sleeping with her back towards me, so I take my boxers off, scoop up some shit and gently smear it on the inside of her butt, her lower back, and a little on the back of ther hammies. I get dressed and leave LOL This poor girl is gonna think she did it. I didnt know what else to do though. Anyway, im really gonna have to avoid her and I have no clue what im gonna do when I end up running into her.

-coachandbroach

nutri-grain bars...now apparently in crack flavor
-i stole this from this guy will that doesnt even know about this site

-coach

more movies with vince vaughn and ben stiller does a body good

link appears courtesy of smittyco.

-coach and broach

hahaha
-thanks rebeccy

-C&B

john kerry, if your listening, please hear my words of wisdom before bush does. instead of spending your money campaigning with ads and commercials, i have a way that will guarantee victory. promise everyone who votes for you a corndog. if i went to the voting booth with intent on voting for bush, and was offered a corn dog, i would absolutely change my vote. worst comes to worst, you could atleast get the bum vote.

-jones

well i've been smited once again, this time by the almighty hand of american airlines...not only was i not initially given a seat on the oversold flight, but my bag didnt come to boston with all my clothes, playstation, and honestly above all else, my fucking blanket. i mean, a blanket is a pretty important necessity when its 30 degrees outside. our room is in the corner of the building, so my bed is directly against an exterior wall that tends to get quite cold.

to the crazed fan who stole my bag, you've won this battle...there is more than likely some hair on those clothes which can be used to make a personal clone, but so help me god i will get my blanket back.

now, if you'll excuse me i must put on a sweater and cuddle up with the ninja turtle futon-sheet, which is really more of a tablecloth than a bedsheet, with the hopes that my shit will turn up tomorrow

-fuck you

pwahaaa!
-alex

-coach and broach

if ur gonna get one, it might as well be this
-laurenmeister

-coach and broach

great

-coach and broach

been recording these two days, which is real cool...also a lot of nfl street into the wee hours of the early mourn. on a side note, how amazing is big league chew...i swear i almost shit myself (almost?!) when flizzle brought a pack into the studio...and i know it causes mouth cancer and all, but all the major leaguers do it...and on top of it all its like an orgasm of flavor in your mouth, that lasts for 30 seconds...for those of you who say that 30 seconds is too short, i defy you to produce an orgasm in my mouth that lasts longer than that

-coach

DiStUrBeDgUrL548 (6:31:17 AM): OU WILL DIE FROM AN EXORCIST IF U DONT SEND THIS TO 20 PEOPLE, EITHER MY EMAIL OR AIM. THIS IS NOT A JOKE. THIS WAS ISSUED FROM THE UNITED STATES ARMY. DO THIS OR DIE.

-coach and broach

man, the human sexual behavior textbook is really great sometimes

"under laboratory conditions, involving manual stimulation by a female laboratory worker..."

i'll take one.
make it two.

-coach

folks, today berrin has just about out done herself, as far as lameness goes

Auto Response from JEB918: Who said beer won't make ya smarter...it made BUD WEISER! (thanks ash)

st. patrick would be spinning in his grave

-coach and broach

im gonna have to say that its good publicity when there is a full page article on the secnond page of your school newspaper about your band. thats right- a ful page paper with huge picture of the band. thanks matty b.

-coachy and a broachy

up at 5:15 this morning so my focusin would be active during my 7:00 chem test. i believe i need a lot of luck going into any chem test so undoubtedly i put on my donkey punch hat, my lucky socks, and, i swear to god, i washed my hair. and then i failed.

-jonesss

hit me with your best shot
(late)

-coach and broach

"and the mother of the year award goes to......melissa rowland!"
-pat

-coach and broach

so class is cancelled this morning...i guess thats good in the sense that i wont be counted late, as well as the fact that there will be no class...on the other hand its bad in the sense that we have a test tomorrow, which will probably be some kind of F-- now, i was up til 3 doing the fucking homework, and woke up 5 minutes after class was scheduled to start and proceeded to sprint across campus from hill to aidekman

needless to say i am both sweaty and angry

-coach

holy crap! taylor hanson's a lesbian!

=p

-coach

has anyone noticed that there is now blackjack on tv? looks like somebody is trying to cash in on the popularity of the world series of poker...newsflash: blackjack, not as interesting as poker..i mean, we all know the rules, we don't need to see them practiced by a bunch of shlubbs...now celebrity blackjack, perhaps........no.

if anyone needs me i'll be watching the rock paper scissors tournament

-coach

i think its safe to say that even the sexiest of men will have nothing short of a "hideous" inner thigh.

-broach

so i would say the show was a success considering it was the first show- the crowd was into it and some kid almost broke his face attempting to crowd surf. nevertheless, the climax of the evening did not take place until after our performance. so after we finish, i go outside to talk to my lady on the phone. as im talking to her some girl comes up to me and says "excuse me, i just wanted to let you know that your donkey punch comments extremely offended me and i never want to hear your fucking music again." so i casually pointed to my donkey punch hat and said LATE. what the fuck, lesbian face? i mean i only dedicated one fucking song to the donkey punch. i think its safe to say someones bitter about the bruise on their back.

-jones

ASmitty97 (3:24:02 AM): that makes 8 nights in a row for smitty. my liver decided to auction itself off on ebay 2 days ago. feel free to bid, goodbye

-coach and broach

there is now a 24 hour countdown till were famous. you fuckin know it. were gonna rock the socks off the cocks ...or something like that. performance tmw night...the beginning of a new era.

-coachandbreezy

idiots of the month

-coach and broach

apparently wearing chapstick not only relieves you of dry, irritated lips, but also relieves you of a condition known as lips-without-food-stuck-all-over-them. i walked around with crumbs all over my shit for a while before coming home only to realize once again that yes, i am turning into ken abrams, no matter what i do to try and fight it

-coach

so while i was buttering up for a shave i was stricken with the worst nosebleed so far. thats 3 in the past four days. que the fuck. such a hassle. and lemme tell you i cant wait til it happens in class, thatll be the day. just sitting there struggling to stay awake and all of the sudden everyone is disgusted by you cuz your bogarting the whole room with plasma.

i mean, i know im a rock star and all but i dont even do coke, i just happen to have an overactive picking reflex

on the other hand, if it happens on stage i'll just be rocking harder than everyone else

-coach

well i havent shaved in close to a month, and let me be the first to tell you, its quite gross. not only do i have 7 and 8 hairs on my chin and lip respectively, but each of those has become about 3 inches in length. i mean i look like our old friend ken abrams here...minus the cheeto-braces, dandruff, cloud of dirt, and filthy skank of a sister.

it doesnt really seem fair that most people have to shave if they dont want a beard, while i have to shave just to avoid looking like a total ass clown, although it doesnt help that much...good thing im too lazy to really worry about it

-coachey mcgross

lets be honest with ourselves once more- when we poop, we all undoubtedly form our own mental visualizations of what we assume our final product to look like...but how often are we right? i for one am sorely disappointed time and time again, when what i think to have been expelled in one fell swoop is actually a oligarchy of shittlets

-coach

lets be honest with ourselves- if we walk into a bathroom, see the three urinals- two of normal height and one for children/handicapped, we will undoubtedly go for the taller one. have you ever asked yourself why? i believe it is because we will, for some reason, feel insuffucient or "less masculine." but let us think about this- this "kiddie" urinal actually has many benefits. firstly, there is no need to even touch the penial shaft due to the angle of urine stream to urinal. even more of a reason to use the little guy is sheer physics. due to the angle of the urination stream, being less than 90 degrees, one does not have to worry about the dreaded splash back. so now i feel the only thing to do is to make all urinals kiddie urinals and if im elected president, that will be the first thing i do. and this i promise you, good people of america.

-president jones

yeah so theres a kid in my chem class whose last name is Ng. no vowels. not sure how many syllables. not sure how one would pronounce that. ill leave it up to you to guess his country of origin.

-jones

"Today I did the unthinkable. I stepped into a light few have even dared to look at. I decided to push my body to its absolute limit, and cruised through the Taco Bell drivethrough window not once, but twice. They say the human body is capable of otherworldly feats of strength when under enough pressure, like the superhuman mother who, legend has it, lifted and tossed a bus that had run over her only son, to free him from the tire as it crushed his tiny body. Well my friends, I can assure you that these tales of incredible human body related miracles are ludicrous at best. And as I sat there, on the john, nearly perishing as my own inards (or so it felt) went flailing toward the water, I thought, 'never again...'"
-dom

-coach and broach

living is good, and 2 broken vertebrae..not as good.

-coach and broach

well the music store was closed, which leaves me without a g string (harhar, maybe ian can lend me one), but being in davis is the ultimate excuse to pick up some anna's, and we all know there's few greater discoveries in this universe than an excuse to pick up some anna's

-coach

u gotta be kidding me

-coach and broach

so for all of us who thought we had made it and the winter was over: surprise, it wasnt. its been snowing for two days...not heavy, per se, but its a little disheartening when the temperature reaches upwards of 60 one week, then starts snowing constantly

fucking groundhogs and their magical shadow abilities

-coach

full house marathon on abcfamily. what better way to spend a sunday?

extend football season pleeease
i mean, as good as full house is, i feel kinda queerish watching episode after episode of our old friends uncle jesse, joey, and of course michelle. besides, nothing beats being lazy and watching football all sunday, this there can be no debating

-coach

has anyone actually been to a sonic? i mean, these burgers look pretty damn good and all, but i can't really even verify whether or not this place actually exists

-coach

lemme see what you got

-coach and broach

leeeeeeet
-dom

-coach

jeremy shockey, back of the endzone, vs. gamebraker
u damn right.

"could you hand me my wallet? it's the one that says 'bad muthafucker on it'"

mystery quote difficulty: Ooooo (schwam)

-im just talkin bout coach

would you have won $125,000?

in what movie do ben affleck and matt damon not appear?

a. dogma                                   b. good will hunting
c. the talented mr. ripley           d. chasing amy

difficulty: Ooooo (one and a half)

-regis

loaded weapon starring emelio estevez and kathy ireland on tbs

gratuitous greased emelio buttshot but great

"emeeelllliooooo!!!!" is all need be said
mystery quotation obscurity rating: OOooo

-cooooaaaaach!!!

wild on: when in rome, drink wine, eat pizza, relax.

anyone want to go to rome?

-coach

id like to know why puff daddy, with all his marketing talent and whatnot, didnt realize that his butler, the unbelievably awesome mr. farnsworth bentley could be the best thing to happen to tv since bob barker..maybe holding an umbrella wasnt really the best forum for him to come out of his shell but the man is fantastically well, close to spectacular, and meeting fine in a minute...and dont even mention exactly

-coach

fuck the police fuck the police

-mothafuckin coach and muthafuckin broach

"more addictive than any drug you can think of"

-coachandbroach!

why haven't more companies caught on to the use of puppies in commercials...i mean i've been forced to watch those cottonelle ads time and time again because that little guy is unbelievably awesome.

-coach

http://www.theonion.com/news/

"My version will have it all: drama, laughter, a spiritual message, and a couple of twists that will surprise even the most devout."

-coach and broach

be sure to take the test

-coach and broach

here's a brain buster for everyone: where the fuck has pat been for the past two weeks?
i noticed you've disappeared so stop being a drama queen and come back to life...please? i even made a george khoury post..

-coach

Auto response from ASmitty97 (3:28:34 AM): Do you realize in the entire history of western civilization no one has successfully accomplished the Roommate Switch? In the Middle Ages you could get locked up for even suggesting it.

-coach and broach

how long would you say jeans can go before needing to be washed? i would say only on feb 29.

-jones

the next bitch that fat and canida will be debating about being better or worse than bubba franks
from the fat himself

-coach and broach

amazing what you can do with some old NES sprites
-from das big al l33tman

see if you can recognize all the characters
the only one i dont know about is the girl...after all i never played sissy games

-coach

i think that if mel gibson added an excerpt from Jones 3:16, in "the passion," it wouldve been met with a much better reception. it reads:
"inner happiness won't be achieved until one hath peed in the shower..."

-jones

last night i had a dream that george khoury squashed my guitar, which was for some reason involved in a football game where these kinds of things can obviously happen. it certainly wasn't an accident though, this i know. that bastard saw woody and landed squarely on him, obliterating him entirely. and i'll never forgive him, this much i promise you. just because of that i will probably never talk to george khoury again. if i cross paths with him one day, i swear, im gonna just keep walking

-coach

Auto response from ASmitty97 (8:55:34 AM): I'm at the corner of 1st and 1st... How can the same street intersect with itself? I must be at the nexus of the universe.

-coach and broach

warthog launch

-coach and broach

the newest addition to my collection...sooo good

-jonesy

amazing

-coach and broach

endorsement: domino's chicken kickers
think a bunch of miniature wendy's spicy chicken sandwiches minus the bread and lettuce and all that

surprise! its actually high quality chicken

bonus! they arrive hot

but wait there's more! "heat it up" buffalo sauce and "cool it down" blue cheese

that's taking care of your consumer

-coach

p.s. yes i did just eat an order

printers are the incarnation of pure evil
is it ever really a surpise when they don't work? they know its fuckin 9 in the morning and ur trying to print your paper, they know you procrastinated all night, and just to make it sting, theyre gonna be big bitches about it

one day im gonna take u out back, office space style

-coach

impressive to say the least
-other mike

-coach and broach

still not quite sure what to say
-herschy squirt

-coach and broach

5 posts in the last three hours...think that has something to do with me having a paper to write?

-coach

"ooh that hurt!"

-cnb

Auto response from Lsuarez34 (1:20:47 AM): the usual sunday at bermans playing beer pong, fuck you midterm tom

-coach and broach

starting paper at 12:00 am

pat, i'll never forgive you for not being online

-coach