if anyone knows the secret behind the cadbury egg, please let me know. its easily the most unadvertised, low key sphere of awesomeness this world has ever seen. id like to give a shot out to jesus for his resurrection that sparked the creation of this egg of love.

-jones

My roommate just brought this beer home. I'm so excited.

-smitten

jennifer lopez guest starring on the season finale of will and grace?!
i can't think of anything i would rather watch less

-coach

ok so smitty's post about md 20/20 led to some good comments about first time drunkenness, which seems like a great idea for a separate thread so lets go.
tell you first-timer story.

-coach

don't ask me why the middle shower reeks of ammonia and an abundance of b-vitamins...i have nooooo idea ;)

-a clean and relieved coach

Ah the MD 20/20 hangover. Nothing quite like it.

-s

upon viewing the johnny dakota episode of saved by the bell for the seond time this semester i begin to reflect. ok so for those of you who don't remember (if you don't know what ime talking about slap yourself one time), johnny the movie star comes to bayside to shoot an anti-drug commercial. in the end we find out that he does pot and the kids late him and shoot their own spot. but is johnny's party pot smoking really the problem here? maybe i'm not the one who should be criticizing, but let's not forget that johnny-hollywood jocked kelly-the-high-school-cheerleader like her name was seabiscuit from minute 1.

-coach

In considering potential classes for next semester and I think that I want to take some sort of class on strategery. Now, this isnt for the future purpose of world domination or whatever, but for more important, every day obstacles. Take an average lunch at Fridays for example. Now of course, firstly, I need to use my strategery to decide whether I should order the potato skins as an appetizer or main course; and do I go half order or full? Either way I know im gonna order some quantity of skins at some point in the meal. The real strategery comes into play when those bad boys arrive. I can see it now...the skins arrive...steamy and wondrous...im wet with anticipation...WHICH ONE DO I TAKE FIRST???????? Do I take the one overflowing with cheese and weak on the bacon, or do I go with the cheese-less one with half a pig of bacon on it? Even after that questionable, nerve-racking first pick of the draft, this is a repeatedly difficult situation throughout the ceremonial consuming of those heaven-sent cheesey-pig-skins. All I know at this point is that the runt in the corner with practically no cheese or bacon, that more accurately resembles an empty kayak, is gonna be last if eaten at all. At this point, im sure you are gonna be taking a class on strategery next semester cuz I know I am.

-jones

Mario Bros Movies (really cool stuff)

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4

Note Part 4 is the most recent, but does not conclude the series.

-starpower smitty

Animated Stewie appearance on TRL yesterday I think:

Host: What do you think of the big pop stars now; Britney, Christina, Jessica Simpson? Who do you think will be around?

Stewie: Well, not Jessica Simpson. I see her losing a leg to a stupidity related accident in 2005. And Britney's career is a lot like my diaper; not guarunteed past noon and full of one piece of crap after another....

Host: Hey now, Britney's a friend of us here at TRL...

Stewie: Oh, and you, what are you, 23, 25? And you're still using words like, "Cool", and "Fresh"...I'm sure your mother is gushing.

Host: I'm actually 22....

Stewie: Oh, you're practically a woman then.

-smittyness

K'Allen and Torsha's Klingon Wedding

-smits

conan: last time you were on the show, you proclaimed, rather proudly, that you had kicked pot. hows that been going?

snoop: it kicked me back

conan: haha so...yea, back to that for you?

snoop: i mean i could come out here and lie and say "i've been off of weed for approximately..." but it was something i did cuz i wanted to u know what im sayin, i was just like "this is what i want to do, and this is what i dont want to do"

conan: and now you decided that you want to do that again?

snoop: yyeaaa 8)

-coach

so i just woke up for class and am real tired. i went to put my jeans on and noticed they were still wet near the feet from the rain this morning. so i put my socks on first. this, however, led inexorably to the donning of my shoes and by the time i realied what i was doing, they were already on and it was pants time.

so there you have it. i put my shoes on before my jeans. of course i can't help but think that if i didn't have to go to class, this whole debauchle would have been avoided entirely. i can't wait for summer when i can just lay in bed all day and never have to put on shoes or pants.

-coach

ok so the geico commercial that starts off by making fun of the hair transplant commercials is hilarious. i mean, i thought i had seen this commercial easily over 100 times, and it is likely that i had just stopped paying attention after the guy says "my tennis game has improved! i don't know, it just feels like i'm always acing the guy." i guess that tells you something about how ridiculous the actual hair transplant commercials can be, but now that i realized it was a joke commercial, i vehemently take my hat off.

-coach

The Human Target

anyone want to test this out this summer?

-smittles

"The University of Miami -- The NFL's 33rd franchise can now officially be classified under the heading of 'embarrassment of riches.' Not only did the Hurricanes have a record six first-round picks Saturday, one more than last year's haul, they had six of the draft's first 21 players selected. At that point, that was more than any other conference could boast. Maybe it's time to consider a salary cap in Coral Gables." - CNNSI
-bierman

-coach and broach

WM seeks W/B socks
must be from in room
clean a plus but certainly not requisite

-coach

ok so my gluttony has really gotten out of control...last night i actually dreamt i was at popeye's

in a related story, bam has issued an official "don't feed phil" day to which we must all adhere...i will admit that i probably deserve a similar fate but anyone who said those mashed potatoes aren't the stuff dreams are made of was lying to you.

-coach

for those of you who were waiting eagerly, here it is!

jessi's college picture show!

borrowing from the wisom of mitch hedberg, i will say that this picture show should not exceed 30 seconds in duration, for that is the maximum amount of time you can imagine yourself having fun with jessi berrin. quite the contrary, however, it is about 30 minutes long..god help you if you sit through the entire thing..

-coach

New smitty column today! You're so excited you cannot contain yourself!

http://www.people.virginia.edu/~sas5x/columns.html

And if you missed it, there was a column last week too!

woooooooooooooo

-Smitlover

funny story...depending on how much of an asshole you are. so im walking downhill to another dorm and i see some dude laying out on a towel. as i get a little closer, i see the way this guys legs are folded, and im thinking he's got to be double, if not triple jointed. i let out a small, perplexed chuckle. im sure you can see where this is going. as i get up next to him, i find he's less double-jointed and more missing-a-leg-with-the-prostetic-one-next-to-him. yeah i felt like an asshole, though this isnt the first time. (RIP Mr. Hurley...i really didnt mean it).

-jones

i thought i was the only one with four nipples but ive recently found out that most people do; and today i bit my nipple #3. and it hurt alot. well about now, you might be wondering what in beans name am i talking about, and where these nipples are on my body (and probably yours). well actually, theyre in your mouth, at the corner where your lips meet. go ahead-find it right now. im sure youll be pleasantly surprised to find that you have two of these bad boys. im sure as you will soon realize, theyre easy to bite, and not very pleasureful; but they are fun to play with- go head, tongue away. im sure if you check the next "science times" ill be on the fucking cover for my discovery.

-Dr. Jones

Is wayne brady gonna have to choke a bitch?

-smittacular

if someone were to ask you what is the dirtiest part of your body, im sure many dirty things come to mind. nevertheless, im gonna have to say the dirtiest part of my body is the part that never gets soaped...my back. now its not my whole back- its more of a diamond shape. you see, i get the backs of my shoulders and above the cheeks, but its that central diamond-shaped area that is of ultra-grossitude.

-jonesy

the problem with writing this paper isn't so much that i feel stupid for not knowing what to write about because i dont do the readings...its more that i feel like im acting like a pompous jack-off...i mean who the fuck am i, a person who hasnt read any of this stuff, to be telling a professor of philosophy what i think about descartes. i mean where the hell do i get off acting like i know what im talking about when i most assuredly do not? if there's one thing im sure of its that i dont want to be "that guy" who talks about shit like he knows shit but is really talking out of his ass...im no trailer-park-mark so, teacher, do your damndest

-coach and no bs

why does a kenyan always win the boston marathon? well...id answer that but i wouldnt want anyone to think im a racist sons of the bitch.

-broach

so im gonna give u the 411 on beyonce and people considering her the hottest girl ever. well, your right and your wrong. as a whole, she is not. if you cut her in half at the waist, well now you have a different story. from the waist up, i fear there is no better woman in this world (barring that girl who i gusta). but here's the catch: from the waist down, theres few grosser. i mean honestly, those thunderous legs could do serious damage to even the biggest of men. as my girly so correctly stated of those bootylicious chops, "blughhhhpukeughghg." so that leaves us as torn as she is...god im an expert wordsman.

-joness

El Nino is spanish. It is the spanish word for child. Like all things spanish, it is dangerous...

http://douglas.min.net/essay/

-smizzle

i was A.D.D.-ing so much this morning that i think i took my ADD pill twice.

-jones

and in his great aftermath he leaves this link

-coach and broach

Dr. Evil: "At the age of fourteen a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum... it's breathtaking- I highly suggest you try it. "

Assuming Dr. Evil continued with this trend, do you think he gets a 5 o'clock shadow, you know, down there?

-smitty

ok so i love chapelle show just like the rest of you all do. anywho, its gotten to the point where i wanna donkeypunch any motherfucker who yells "ahyeaayahhh" or "chhhwhaaaaat" in public. i mean we know its funny when the black man on tv does it, but honestly, shut the fuck up. sorry and thankyou for your time.

=jones

so smitty made a post here...the mentor reaching out to the c&b audience...its a beautiful thing
from now on we will be known as

"coach and broach and a guy named smitty"

-coach and broach

How many 7 year olds it would take to kill you?

just think about it

-smitty

and now, ladies and gentlemen, a guy named smitty...

-coach and broach

i would be complaining that i don't really get the sort of treatment i think i deserve from annas if it weren't for the penny story -

hokay, so here we are, waiting in line and haeoeaernds tells me "shit, i forgot the dime" since his food always comes out to $3.10...i think i may have one so i reach into my pocket only to find that trickyass abe lincoln messing with my head...so i say fux u abe, into the tip jar you go...but we all know my basketball game is subpar at best, so the penny bounces of the counter and into the tip jar, ricocheting with formidable trajectory as we watch in suspense

*ploop*

right in the chicken and water stuff (does anyone know what that is used for? cuz its not the standard chicken)

the aggregador never noticed, as he was busy compiling and wrapping burritos and such, but the cajador definitely picked up on some funny business and was eyeing the line until i stepped out with my head down and explained the situation...obviously everyone says "dude, she had no idea, whyd you tell em" but cmon, first of all she knew and i could only have kept the chirade up for so long...second, all theyre gonna do is take the tub into the back and fish it out with their manos so its not really a big deal and third, i think i owe that much at least to the other annas frequenters

like i said, i would be writing about how i am under appreciated around there were it not for this unfortunate incident

-coach

talking to my mom about my shitty calc grade:

me: "i dont know what the fuck to do."

mommy: "you better do everything you can besides give your professor a blow job to get a better grade..."

-i love u mommy

-broach

i like vagina jsut so you all know

last night was like no other. not your average college story, but still awesome. so me and matt are in mcdonalds and after the meal we both have to head to the bathroom. so he gets to the bathroom first and its one of those one-stallers so i gotta wait outside. so the womens is right across the hall, so i gotta check it. i slowly push the door to see if its unlocked...it is. so i give it the old "full push" and what do i find? you know its a drunk male bum taking a shit in the womens bathroom. what does he say when i walk in on him shitting in the womens bano? "dont do it!" - those were the english words- the words that i heard sounded more like "shhugar waterrererrr doo itt" or something really drunk like that. anywho, it was awesome i hope everyone in this world walks in on a bum taking a shit in a public females bathroom..

jonesss

me and my advisor talking about next year:

me: well, those four classes sound pretty good, and i know my dad wants me to take a fifth so i'll keep looking..

her: never listen to your father, its the worst thing you can do

-coach

I3ond008 (2:08:53 AM): actually this girl i know from here went there to visit some of her friends and ended up hanging out with michelle

I3ond008 (2:09:10 AM): over spring break right

I3ond008 (2:10:27 AM): so they get pretty drunk and i get this message on my phone with these girls screaming and i can make out only some of it but i hear my friend say "im hanging out with ur friend michelle from highschool and she told me a funny story of when u guys were in cancun and u got in trouble for public exposure for peeing on the streets"

lil dosman (2:10:44 AM): nice

I3ond008 (2:10:51 AM): hears the punchline

I3ond008 (2:10:55 AM): ive never been to mexico

I3ond008 (2:11:56 AM): so i dont know how often u see michelle, but the next time u do just let her know i think shes a crazy bitch

-coach

so for those of you who don't know ms. fisher died this week..here's an interesting conversation i had with a girl at gulliver:

her (4:43:07 PM): mike

me (4:43:09 PM): yes

her (4:43:15 PM): did you have mrs.fisher?

me (4:43:49 PM): yea when i was a freshman

me (4:43:55 PM): my physics teacher also died when i was a junior

her (4:43:57 PM): im sorry to tell you, but she passed away yesterday

her (4:44:03 PM): o

her (4:44:22 PM): who told you?

be honest, you werent sorry to tell me, you were excited because girls are dumb and they like to gossip

-coach

stephanie: oh my god st. andrews is here..go fuck yourselves!

she's smart, it took her like 5 minutes to learn that
=D

-coach

well this morning was sour to say the least. firstly i woke up and my boxers were inside out. im fairly confident that they were the correct way when i went to sleep and although i did have some weird ass dreams last night that still leaves me wondering. so its now about 8:15 and i know im gonna be late for chem. anywho, i go to brush my teeth, apply the toothpaste, and on the turning on of the sink, shoot the tooth paste right off the brush. fuck. wheres your head jones, cuz i know where its not; and thats in the game. now i reapply the paste of the tooth and begin my brush...without my head in the game again....you know what that means-overflow of toothpaste from the mouth and a drip on the shirt. fuck fuck fick. i then put water on the spot, knowing that a toothpaste stain is inevitably equivalent to disappearing-reappearing ink, and that im just gonna have a wet shirt for the time being. double fuck shit ass fuck. thus, my morning of peor began...

-jonesypoo

PDiDdY54 (1:39:02 AM): yea i have a huge paper due tom

PDiDdY54 (1:39:05 AM): havent started

PDiDdY54 (1:39:07 AM): midterm

PDiDdY54 (1:39:10 AM): blegh

lil dosman (1:42:26 AM): i have a paper this week but probably not as long or important

PDiDdY54 (1:43:31 AM): yea and worse its about the bible

PDiDdY54 (1:43:37 AM): i dont know shit about the bible

lil dosman (1:43:45 AM): hah

lil dosman (1:43:59 AM): tell your teacher the bible says he should forgive you for not doing the paper

PDiDdY54 (1:44:25 AM): hahah... thats great

PDiDdY54 (1:44:28 AM): this guy is cool though

PDiDdY54 (1:44:37 AM): like i get points for fucking around

PDiDdY54 (1:45:13 AM): i got an A on my last paper just cuz it was called "What did Virgil 'Aenied' to accomplish w/ the Aeneid"

-cnb

lil dosman (1:37:06 AM): has last call with carson daly always been 30 minutes and not 60

lil dosman (1:37:16 AM): cuz if they shortened it, that would be amazing

lil dosman (1:37:24 AM): cuz he sucks like none other

MyDixonSider (1:38:11 AM): i remember having the same thought like 6 months ago

lil dosman (1:38:19 AM): brilliant

MyDixonSider (1:38:23 AM): and thinking it must have been shortened

-coachandbroach

i havent thought about this in about 100 years, but when i was in third grade my class took a trip to the zoo, which was, in and of itself, amazing...how could the story get better you ask? well this guy was talking to us about turtles whatnot and had a huge shell that actually had backpack-style straps attached to it to demonstrate that it was actually so big it could fit over your back..when he asked for a volunteer, you better believe i ran right on up there, eager to sieze the opportunity to be a hero on the half shell for 5 minutes. that was the closest i ever became to actually being a ninja turtle (lets face it that halloween costume wasnt all that convincing) and that day i held my head a little higher and twirled my nunchucks a little faster

coachelangelo

so today we learned about fetishes in sex class today.

c&b

so apparently crispix is an awesome cereal. who would of thought that the combination of corn and rice could be so money. its more the way the milk get caught in the crispix and you squish it against the top of your mouth(thankyou baby)...if youve never had them before you defnitely are just gonna think im a fag.

JONESS

so its about time i make a post about the guy who cleans the hall, whose name i think is enrique...hes a real nice guy and i enjoy being nice back to him, but after i see you and say whats up, let's keep the flow moving here...there's no reason to stand in the doorway in silence while i start pulling books out and pretending to study, its just awkward for everyone...i mean im not the best at bullshitting conversation, especially when it comes to someone i have nothing in common with, and that includes language

-coach

ok i'll admit it. i'm addicted to watching making the band. as furious as the show makes me, i can't seem to turn away...the fact that these five animals can't seem to avoid fighting at least twice during the course of any thirty-minute session is all too entertaining and the best one, fred, always representing the mia is good to see...but i mean all they have to do is write their separate lyrics, then when diddy gives em the beat, lay it down and go to the fuckin club or something and have yourself a night...seems easy enough but somehow always results in yelling and often fisticuffs

which always makes for great tv.

-coach

sometimes i wonder about the guy who makes spandex briefs for the wwe. sure, all his friends made fun of him back in the day when they were all headed to graduate school and he was like "im going to start a spandex plant, to give back to the spandex community that has given me so much over the years." well who's laughing now? i bet its still his friends, cuz he's still a freaky spandex afficcionado.

-coach

stolen from chiwick's profile but amazing nonetheless

we've been real lazy and therefore not making many actual posts, just links
in the words of maximus "i'm sorry"

-coach and broach

give em the chair
-from ken

-coach

dah dah dah do do dah DAT!
and excellent
-nikki

-coach and broach

Auto response from Johnnyboy213 (4:44:32 AM): Yeah, i'm upset that we lost but the fact that Duhon's meaningless 35 foot buzzer beater at the end covered the spread....... well that puts a smile on my face.

brilliant

-coach and broach

lemme see what you got
-hands

-coach and broach

i just dropped the tv remote and it vanished from existence upon hitting the floor. >=/

"guess im not watching tv...get up and change the channel myself? what am i a workaholic?" - jim gaffigan

-coach

i think blackboards should be replaced with magna doodles. i mean it would cool, easy to erase, and the teacher could make perfect circles, squares, and stars. the future of learning.

-briggity