so yea i thought these were already on here, but they weren't and there's more of them now. so yea.

-coach

yug shemash, here's the video of borat that was mentioned before.

"some of the cleanest prostitutes in all of central asia"

-coach

Aaorn2286 (12:42:32 PM): http://www.rhfweb.com/mctom.html

Aaorn2286 (12:44:38 PM): Had I been able to get into the US Military after graduation from college, then the US military would have become a good force in the world rather than a dark force, and there would not have been slavery in America of white persons presently, and consequently no slavery of black persons back in time also which was an inverse consequence of Blacks enslaving whites in the future as the whites discovered by remote sensing into the future, causing blacks to be enslaved by whites in the past as means of revenge seeking.

wowza..pretty long, and pretty insane

-coach and broach

nothing says "im an intelligent man who has learned his lesson" like TRU WARIER
thanks jarejare

-C&B

Relating to the recent Ali G Show / Kazakhstan legal proceedings

Sacha Baron Cohen, who plays the spoof Kazakh television reporter in his "Da Ali G Show," incurred the wrath of Kazakhstan's Foreign Ministry this month after appearing as Borat at the annual MTV Europe Music Awards.

He described shooting dogs for fun and said his wife could not leave Kazakhstan as she was a woman. The Foreign Ministry said his behavior was unacceptable and that Cohen might be serving political orders to tarnish Kazakhstan's reputation.

Responding in character as Borat, Cohen, who is Jewish, said: "I like to state, I have no connection with Mr Cohen and fully support my government's position to sue this Jew."

"Since 2003 ... Kazakhstan is as civilized as any other country in the world," he said on his website, www.borat.kz.

"Women can now travel on inside of bus, homosexuals no longer have to wear blue hat and age of consent has been raised to eight years old."

-miserable smitty stuck in the library studying law for the next 2 1/2 weeks

first fire drill of the year:
time: 4:43 AM
weather: 40 degrees and raining
second fire drill of the year:
time: 5:58 AM
weather: 43 degrees and raining

thanks for keeping us on our toes tufts university. i think i can honestly say that i would trade all the past fire drills of my life and all the ones from now on for like a mildly burnt leg later in life. seriously, i think all these fucking worthless firedrills are more inconvenient then a burn would be. (maybe im just saying this because its now 6:09 AM)

-sour jones

Smitty81412 (6:32:54 PM): https://mail.msu.edu/cgi-bin/webmail/login/schwa207.authdaemon/3EAF50BA0AE271B3F1A4A863516EF637/1132613439?folder=INBOX&form=fetch&pos=0&mimeid=1.2

-coach and broach

so anyone ever start washing their hands, and only then realize how bad they had to pee? not that its a problem because of a forthcoming double-wash, cuz that consideration never enters the picture..its just the thought of what could have been...just another missed opportunity to be slightly more sanitary than the average bear.

-coach

this made my week:

ACohn17 (3:12:11 AM): i made out!

-C&B

Berg of G (11:54:44 PM): http://cgi.ebay.com/69-Pictures-of-my-Very-HOT-Ex-Girlfriend-SEXY_W0QQitemZ5634879913QQcategoryZ1469QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

-coach and broach

i think there are many aspects of being a dog thats just a whole lot better than what we gotta do as humans. On your walk to the corner store you realize that you have to shit, so you pull your pants down and shit on the sidewalk. end of story; no waiting, no planning, no holding. even better than that, is that once your done you get to keep on walking like you didnt just shit all over the side walk. thats right- no wiping. how come god gave dogs perfect shitting assholes and we're stuck with these wipe-requiring stink banks? unfair and i move to make shitting on sidewalks no longer taboo. (as long as you have doggy bags of course)

and happy birfday to the ianbro

-your friend, leon

thank you god... i mean thank you drugs.

anf thankyou krony for sending me this

-C&B

so is "sickle-cell anemia" just a fancy word for ballhogitis? im getting tired of going to the gym to have a good time and getting a generous helping of racism instead. now, i'm not saying that anyone has done or said anything mean to me about being white and a mediocre basketball player at best, but let me make one thing clear. being black does not make you michael jordan. you heard it here first folks. even if you were jordan, you don't have to shoot the fuckin ball everytime.. jordan definitely did try to score every time he got the ball, but that doesn't mean he always took the shot himself. i've found few things less fun than playing 3 on 3 with 2 brothers on my "team," because 90% of the time they have left me completely out of the game, despite being only marginally better than me, if at all. i might as well put some zeppelin on and start playing hackysack like they expect, cuz i'm sure as hell not getting my hands on the rock.

-COACH

lil dosman (2:17:26 AM): how goes it

Auto response from buffalosnoda (2:17:26 AM): study town...population gay

-cnb

this is a follow up post from the SND one a week ago. seems my friend freefree thought he could outsmart the gods of SND...he was wrong:

Adam0791 (12:37:36 AM): thought i was the smartest guy in the world, turned out i was completely wrong. went to bed last night (sunday) at 10 pm and got out of bed today at 1 pm. woke up and thought i was the king of the world cause i had defeated sunday night depression

Adam0791 (12:38:34 AM): well guess who is completely depressed right now, has tears in his eyes. has chelsea coming over at 2 am and is drinking alone at the computer taking shots because shes disgusting.

Adam0791 (12:38:54 AM): i just turned sunday night depression into monday night depression. there is no avoiding it or sleeping through it, it just gets postponed


-jonesagoes

so here's a post about the cans and cants about saying "i love you" between male friends. obviously, we here at coachandbroach are not homophobic, but we all must be careful when exchanging this sweet phrase amongst friends. whenever saying i love you to your male friends, you MUST add a comma followed by a "man" or "bro" or "dawg." for example: "i love you, bro (with a pat on the back)." whats not ok is simply "i love you." for some reason, theres just a sweetly subtle GAY undertone to it. i dont know why or how this phenomenon came to be but try saying just "i love you," when you go give your friend a big appreciative hug and see what his reaction is. WARNING: coach and broach do not take any responsibility for said reaction.

amendment: NEVER use the person's name as in, "i love you, larry" and ESPECIALLY NEVER, "larry, i love you"

also NEVER let a male dolphin attempt anal sex with you, we can't stress that enough, people.

-C&B

you should NEVER let a male dolphin attempt anal sex with you

thanks domm, i dont know where the fuck you get these things

-C&B

so this post is about something odd that happened to me last week- its not as funny as it is what-the-fuck-ish.

so im in this ice cream place in harvard square with my mama and its my turn to order:
ice cream guy: what will you have today?
me: uhh oreo milkshake
guy: what kind of ice cream with that?
me: ill go vanilla.

so after a few minutes i get my milkshake and something is not right. tasted sourish and i look and see no oreos and it has an orangish tint. i go back to the counter and ask him if this is actually an oreo milkshake. his response was as follows:

"oh, i thought you said orangejuice milkshake."

-i sat there for a few seconds wondering if he was kidding, though by the cock-smirk on his face i could tell he was serious. he eventually made me a par-at-best oreo milkshake, but clearly thats not the point of this story. first of all, what the fuck is an orange juice milkshake. secondly, who the fuck would order an orange juice milk shake. and third and most importantly, how often must an orange juice milkshake get ordered so that one would mistake an oreo request with that of orange juice granted this is a FUCKING ICE CREAM PARLOR. im out

-leon jacob mandler

lil dosman (10:36:55 PM): when i asked for "2 chicken parm subs but can u make it with grilled chicken instead of fried for me?"

lil dosman (10:37:03 PM): he goes: "im sorry, there's no way i can do that."

buffalosnoda (10:37:14 PM): hahahhahahahahaha

buffalosnoda (10:37:23 PM): so what u udo

lil dosman (10:37:25 PM): there is absolutely no way that that would be possible

buffalosnoda (10:37:30 PM): hahahhahah

buffalosnoda (10:37:41 PM): did u tell him to relax

lil dosman (10:37:42 PM): i said "you can't just make a grilled chicken sandwich and put sauce and cheese on it"

buffalosnoda (10:37:51 PM): hahahaha

lil dosman (10:37:52 PM): and he goes ooooh, so you just dont want te chicken

lil dosman (10:38:07 PM): "i just want it with grilled chicken instead of the usual fried chicken"

lil dosman (10:38:20 PM): "oh ok. do you still want sauce and cheese on it too?"

-coach and broach

my brother just told me to google the word "love" for images. i suggest you all do it and riddle me how that is the first picture to come up.


-Jonees

If you can read these without laughing out loud, you have no soul. I had to walk out of class today from this.

Top Thirty Facts About Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

See the rest at: http://www.4q.cc/chuck/index.php?topthirty

-smitty norris

before i start this post i want to say that im pretty computer-notsavvy or however you wanna put it. either way, im always impressed with the blatantly bullshit terms and lines that are used in movies and tv in scenes with computers. just a couple examples: in jurassic park where theyre all in that room and they need to re-lock the gates or something and the girl looks at the computer and briskly announces "its a unix system." the screen then shows something like 4 boxes. nice try. or how about in one of the new marines or army commercials where theres a cop in a police car driving around and they pull over and yell to some kid to come over. cop says "it crashed again" and the kid rolls his eyes and responds "reboot with F8 in safe mode." we are then clearly persuaded to join the marines. i dont know what im trying to get at exactly but i guess its just a little more effort from the directors of these things would go a long way.

-JONES

i just heard a guy on fuckin early today say "ugueth urbina, detained in venezuela under murder charges. that should drive his market value down." good economics brosef.

and, ugueth, what the fuck were u doing? everyone in the locker room is juicing up and hitting 50 homeruns a year, and you are meeting up with a crack dealer before practice? jesus christ, sometimes you just need to take a step back and say "was it really a good idea to attack these people with a machete? maybe not. will busting out the gas and attempting to light them on fire resolve or exacerbate the situation?"

well maybe the jury's still out on that one. i don't know, i'm not a doctah.

-coach

good klosterman

-coach and broach

so my nocturnalism has officially gotten out of control. i mean its this utter insanity that leaves me with little left to do besides contemplate my own freakish sleeping habits. i've been going to bed no earlier than this every night. i'm not doing anything at all, besides watching conan repeats, but i have class from 1030 - 245 and a test to study for. and i would be staying up just as late without conan, which is weird considering the ferocity with which i hit the sack midday. to be so tired all the time, and then to be stricken with such a starkly opposite aversion to sleepery when the sun goes down is characteristic of nothing but a sick, sick man. isn't it obvious, self? you sleep to avoid the responsibilities of daytime, ie, going to class and doing work. at night there's no pressure..no one is expecting me to be that productive at 430, and neither am i. we expect me to be dead asleep, not producing shit, in fact.



does this mean anything? no.
am i reading about game theory? of course not.
am i gonna feel good in econometrics tomorrow at 1030? maybe after a few red bulls.
should anybody give a rat's ass? no.

i guess thinking about how crazy you are is the just the kinda thing a guy who isn't doing shit else at 430am starts to do.

-coach

Easily one of my favorite sites on the internet, updated constantly throughout the day, is Overheard in New York. People from all over the city send in things they hear, from conversations with bums to funny things on the subways. Absolutely brilliant. I've posted a few excerpts below.

http://www.overheardinnewyork.com

Dumb teen: Hey, look at this! It says "Train for jobs in beeyotch."
Smarter teen: Fool! That word is biotech. Why you gotta be ignorant all your life?

--1 train

Overheard by: Manhattman

====================================

Crazy: So I had to get fillings in all of my teeth.
Passenger: Uh huh.
Crazy: But I figured, why let them do that to me after they drilled holes in my brain, ya know?
Passenger: Sure.
Crazy: But I figured, might as well! Although if they were going to fill my teeth, I'd want them to use jelly.
Passenger: Yep.
Crazy: But the guy at the counter said they were out of jelly. So I got a blueberry muffin.

--R train

Overheard by: Johnny Shizzle

=================================

The subway doors open. A hobo enters, holding a bottle of windex in one hand and a tube of toothpaste in the other. He says: Which is the better time to read Dostyevsky? Winter?

He sprays the windex.

Hobo: Or Spring?

He squeezes toothpaste out of the tube.

Japanese girl: Spring!
Hobo: You are correct.

--F train

Overheard by: Pete Johnson

-Smithers

interesting that the pic isn't tagged with "halloween"..did they think we got in a fight on a random night, went inside and put on the costumes, took a picture, then went back outside and opened a can? cuz i saw batman the other day and i gotta tell you..it seems like a decent racket..

-coach

well since the pictures didnt work before...here's a more reputable link for everyone to see our halloween costumes

-coach and broach

that's the smartest thing i've ever heard anyone say about anything.

-coach and broach

"Miami removed Hokie junior quarterback Marcus Vick from consideration for any and all awards for the foreseeable future, except maybe a Purple Heart"

wow.

-coach and broach

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

this post is directed towards the male gender but i wouldnt be surprised if it is applicable to women as well...

jerking off without porn is a lot like baseball. atleast on the defensive side of the ball. an average defensive game employs about 1-3 pitchers, maybe more if its a tough game. in our jerk session, these "pitchers" are the girls we are thinking about. we all have our starter, who we open the game with and every once in a while can go all nine innings and throw a complete game. but lets be honest, this doesnt happen very often. usually we must employ a relief pitcher and, more often then not, a closer. our closer is one of the most important tools in our bullpen. She's usually been there the longest and (almost) always comes through. she works quickly and efficently. but every so often, even the best pitching crew can be roughed up. at this point we may bring in pitchers never used before, rookies if you will, and they can either be immediately disposed of or, if they perform well, can see themselves enter into the regular pitching rotation.

i can literally think of so many of these pitchers on my team; some even have had their numbers retired...those that, day in and day out, gave it their all...these dont come by very often and are different for every person for their own special reasons (some people may very well be too embarrassed to even mention these names in public...i know ive had my share). i know i defintely have a couple names that have been there since day one of inaugural year...so in conclusion we see once again that the old saying is true: "pitching wins championships"

-jones

i know coach is with me when i say this: i wish that picking your nose was politically correct...or if not completely accepted, atleast equivalent to picking your ears in public.

-jones

how can you be so sure that coach is with you? oh yea, because i havent the slightest apprehension about picking my nose in public. thats why. im at the forefront of this sociopolitical movement people, and i propose a protest to express our civil unrest. here's some ideas for picketing

-coach

well its another successful halloween costume design in the books..most (sane) people could recognize subzero and scorpion (even a few ladies) and jim's raiden costume was off the chain. anywho, i'd just like to express my disdain for tufts, since we actually had to leave campus on halloween just to find a party, cuz not a single person was doing anything..so in the process of leaving campus for parties, we got into a little scuffle, but fear not, cuz i obviously just harpooned all evil doers and let jones hit them in the head with a cowbell before mike ripped their spines out.

-coach

i got shit on myself you fucker!!

(smitty edit, i found these)
The Sequel
and
The Triquel
from the yodaman

-C&B

-Der Smitty

so the other day i watched jones attempt to enjoy an orange (maybe a clementine), but give up abruptly after the peeling process was cut short and he was lift with nothing but a nickel-sized piece of orange zest under his thumbnail and i got to thinking..as long as we've got a magic hat from which to pull watermelons without seeds, why not start growing oranges with some kind of string under the peel to provide for easy removal? think about it like the red wax bonbel cheese wheels..who among us doesnt take one last look at the red wax before tossing it, and then one last look at the cheese, just to acknowledge how there will never be a better system for packaging and peeling? its a thing of beauty

-coach

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

it never seems to fail me: every time i have ever gone to a drive thru and theres a woman at working the intercom, i have to flirt with her. you know damn well that youre always thinking that this time the girl is gonna be hot. and who would have thought...you drive up...and shes a 300 pound black woman. every single time. but who am i trying to kid, im gonna do the same thing next time and be disgusted again. and again. and again.

-jones