THIS is from the, in my opinion, best Saved By The Bells of all time when Ms. Spano cant handle the stresses of high school life and is sucked in by the lure of caffeine pills.

-CB

It's a Festivus miracle!

FRANK: Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reach for the last one they had - but so did another man. As I rained blows upon him, I realized there had to be another way!

KRAMER: What happened to the doll?

FRANK: It was destroyed. But out of that, a new holiday was born. "A Festivus for the rest of us!"

KRAMER: That musta been some kind of doll.

FRANK: She was.

smits

so my life is a lot like larry david's. check this: i throw a snowball at j's arse last night and it pokes a solar flare into his phones lcd. then tonight he loses his phone at the dave concert. how responsible am i in retrospect? something to think about.

-coach

im realy soiber

live jines

I am away from my computer right now. is not a valid away message. Discuss.

-about to be really really ridiculously drunk smitty

so as is generally the case, your coachiness is being anally raped by the universe..my parents have told me that my passport still hasnt arrived at the house, without it i will be unable to go to paris with my family over christmas..but that might be a moot point nyway, since i would be unable to fly to miami from boston without my id, which was left at a club last saturday..and why havent i gotten it back yet, you ask? because i cant get any of the fucking meatheads that work at their shitty little "we close at 2am" club to tell me they have it.

at the same time, tufts decided to do away with the reading period this year. or at least, shorten it to a friday - tuesday affair. wicked awesome. especially since my finals are distributed nicely - 2 on wednesday, 2 on thursday.

bitterly yours,
-coach

did i do that?


-C&B

today while i was enjoying my frosted flakes i was just wondering: who had the grrreat idea that "if i add milk to my corn, i could make a great breakfast!" either way i take my hat off.

-jonesy

-smitty on day 15 of finals. someone just end this.

whenever im in the computer lab for some reason i always pretend that i can type super fast like making a lot of noise and moving my fingers everywhere so that the person next to me has to look over and i get embarrassed cuz its not funny and smile and then do it again the next time. the end

-leon mandlerwitzwitz

i was having another brilliant thought and thought i would share it. if i were some crazy scientist dude and just discovered some new crazy disease, i definitely would NOT name it after myself. like Dr. John Down, discovered and named Down's syndrom. terrible choice. in fact, it would be soo much better to name it after someone or something you hate. like if i had discovered Down's syndrom i would have named it like "FSU Syndrom" or "Good Charlotte Syndrom." hell yes i would.

-Dr. Jones

so as i stepped outside yesterday at 8:00 AM into the 20 degree air, right before my balls raced into the safety of my warm body, i had a thought. I CAN NOT WAIT FOR GLOBAL WARMING. seriously, fuck the ice caps or whatever, the people who argue that global warming is bad definitely must not live in medford mass, or anywhere the likes. its fucking brutal. i think adding 10 sweet degrees would be great for everyone

-jones

pretty fantastic fauxmmercial by the writers/actors from conan

-coach

personally i think this is just another problem with society that can be traced back to allowing women in the workplace, and let me tell you why. without their mothers at home to love and care for them, kids do nothing but sniff glue and watch pokemon all day. this in turn makes them dumber. remember everytime you watched a tv show about a kid who's dad was a cold workoholic who was always too stressed about the stock market to throw the ol' ball around? well imagine if mom is like that too! at what point does little johnny get to sit down with mom and pop and throw a record on and let the good times roll? i'll tell you when: never. left to their own devices, kids these days do nothing more than drink what they find under the sink and then sit down and trip out with some pokemon. at that point, the tv can sell them anything. and rap music is the victim here, falling prey to temptation time and time again. it seems its just too damn easy for these fuckers to convince these kids to buy the album, so they go ahead and do it. in fact, as far as i know, all you have to do is say you're the richest rapper 3 times, spin your necklace, and it will come true..and it doesnt even have to rhyme.

also mtv is failing us all, and has to start playing music again. and by music i mean music, not the fucking black eyed fucks. we need to go back to our roots, and start remembering the guys who started this rap thing like run-dmc, krs-one, nwa, dre and snoop, 2pac and biggie, so we can forget about the guys that are killing it.

-coach

so im not sure how i let this one get by for so long. i believe we can single handedly give credit for the downfall of rap/hip-hop to fergie and the black eyed peas for the treachery titled "my humps."

They say I’m really sexy,
The boys they wanna sex me.
They always standing next to me,
Always dancing next to me,
Tryin’ a feel my hump, hump.
Lookin’ at my lump, lump.

Are these people serious? and more importantly, are the people who leave this song playing when it comes on the radio serious? anywho, we would also give credit if you answered "laffy taffy" as the cause of the downfall.

just curious, can people comment on their thoughts of why rap and hip-hop have gotten almost ridiculous?

-jones

ASmitty97 (1:49:15 AM): this is cool: find all the bands

i am consumed by this picture, when in reality i should be asleep..i have a long day of drinking and shaking my ass and drinking ahead

-coach

if i got 14 spins, does that make me gay?

-jonesy

am i the only person that has good typing days and bad typing days? i mean like one time i can be a flawless typesman and other days i fuck up all the time. does this happen to other humans?

-jonesbro

i think its safe to say i was fucked up last night. i woke up this morning at the crack of noon with pretzel crumbs and salt crystals embedded in my back and in my hair. apparently i passesd out while eating a bag of pretzels and throughout the course of the night it emptied all over my bed. of course, all my tossing and turning created a wonderful puree of pretzels crumbs all over my sheets and on the floor. pretty good.

-Sir Leon Mandler III

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rocking so hard right now

that's bullshit

-from hoaerndz

-coach and broach

Auto response from krontonsoup (3:58:05 AM): haha to whoever bet i couldnt stick 4 fingers in my butt

-coach and broach

whats the most exreme sporting accomplishment one can achieve? it has to be climbing mount everest. hands down. of course you have the freezing temperatures, the screaming wind, the crazy weather changes, the blizzards, the threat of hypothermia and hypoxia, frostbite, and ultimately death, but these are not what makes this ascent the greatest achievement. a lot of people dont think about the worst part. pooping. ive done some reading up on the subject and you must actually zip down and de-clothe to take a shit. that means your bare ass and sweet sack is exposed to a 50 below chill worsened by a freezing draft that will undoubtedly find its way up through your asshole and straight into your soul. i couldnt think of anything worse. i think we all need to have a greater appreciation for the feat these people are accomplishing.

-jones

so yea i thought these were already on here, but they weren't and there's more of them now. so yea.

-coach

yug shemash, here's the video of borat that was mentioned before.

"some of the cleanest prostitutes in all of central asia"

-coach

Aaorn2286 (12:42:32 PM): http://www.rhfweb.com/mctom.html

Aaorn2286 (12:44:38 PM): Had I been able to get into the US Military after graduation from college, then the US military would have become a good force in the world rather than a dark force, and there would not have been slavery in America of white persons presently, and consequently no slavery of black persons back in time also which was an inverse consequence of Blacks enslaving whites in the future as the whites discovered by remote sensing into the future, causing blacks to be enslaved by whites in the past as means of revenge seeking.

wowza..pretty long, and pretty insane

-coach and broach

nothing says "im an intelligent man who has learned his lesson" like TRU WARIER
thanks jarejare

-C&B

Relating to the recent Ali G Show / Kazakhstan legal proceedings

Sacha Baron Cohen, who plays the spoof Kazakh television reporter in his "Da Ali G Show," incurred the wrath of Kazakhstan's Foreign Ministry this month after appearing as Borat at the annual MTV Europe Music Awards.

He described shooting dogs for fun and said his wife could not leave Kazakhstan as she was a woman. The Foreign Ministry said his behavior was unacceptable and that Cohen might be serving political orders to tarnish Kazakhstan's reputation.

Responding in character as Borat, Cohen, who is Jewish, said: "I like to state, I have no connection with Mr Cohen and fully support my government's position to sue this Jew."

"Since 2003 ... Kazakhstan is as civilized as any other country in the world," he said on his website, www.borat.kz.

"Women can now travel on inside of bus, homosexuals no longer have to wear blue hat and age of consent has been raised to eight years old."

-miserable smitty stuck in the library studying law for the next 2 1/2 weeks

first fire drill of the year:
time: 4:43 AM
weather: 40 degrees and raining
second fire drill of the year:
time: 5:58 AM
weather: 43 degrees and raining

thanks for keeping us on our toes tufts university. i think i can honestly say that i would trade all the past fire drills of my life and all the ones from now on for like a mildly burnt leg later in life. seriously, i think all these fucking worthless firedrills are more inconvenient then a burn would be. (maybe im just saying this because its now 6:09 AM)

-sour jones

Smitty81412 (6:32:54 PM): https://mail.msu.edu/cgi-bin/webmail/login/schwa207.authdaemon/3EAF50BA0AE271B3F1A4A863516EF637/1132613439?folder=INBOX&form=fetch&pos=0&mimeid=1.2

-coach and broach

so anyone ever start washing their hands, and only then realize how bad they had to pee? not that its a problem because of a forthcoming double-wash, cuz that consideration never enters the picture..its just the thought of what could have been...just another missed opportunity to be slightly more sanitary than the average bear.

-coach

this made my week:

ACohn17 (3:12:11 AM): i made out!

-C&B

Berg of G (11:54:44 PM): http://cgi.ebay.com/69-Pictures-of-my-Very-HOT-Ex-Girlfriend-SEXY_W0QQitemZ5634879913QQcategoryZ1469QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

-coach and broach

i think there are many aspects of being a dog thats just a whole lot better than what we gotta do as humans. On your walk to the corner store you realize that you have to shit, so you pull your pants down and shit on the sidewalk. end of story; no waiting, no planning, no holding. even better than that, is that once your done you get to keep on walking like you didnt just shit all over the side walk. thats right- no wiping. how come god gave dogs perfect shitting assholes and we're stuck with these wipe-requiring stink banks? unfair and i move to make shitting on sidewalks no longer taboo. (as long as you have doggy bags of course)

and happy birfday to the ianbro

-your friend, leon

thank you god... i mean thank you drugs.

anf thankyou krony for sending me this

-C&B

so is "sickle-cell anemia" just a fancy word for ballhogitis? im getting tired of going to the gym to have a good time and getting a generous helping of racism instead. now, i'm not saying that anyone has done or said anything mean to me about being white and a mediocre basketball player at best, but let me make one thing clear. being black does not make you michael jordan. you heard it here first folks. even if you were jordan, you don't have to shoot the fuckin ball everytime.. jordan definitely did try to score every time he got the ball, but that doesn't mean he always took the shot himself. i've found few things less fun than playing 3 on 3 with 2 brothers on my "team," because 90% of the time they have left me completely out of the game, despite being only marginally better than me, if at all. i might as well put some zeppelin on and start playing hackysack like they expect, cuz i'm sure as hell not getting my hands on the rock.

-COACH

lil dosman (2:17:26 AM): how goes it

Auto response from buffalosnoda (2:17:26 AM): study town...population gay

-cnb

this is a follow up post from the SND one a week ago. seems my friend freefree thought he could outsmart the gods of SND...he was wrong:

Adam0791 (12:37:36 AM): thought i was the smartest guy in the world, turned out i was completely wrong. went to bed last night (sunday) at 10 pm and got out of bed today at 1 pm. woke up and thought i was the king of the world cause i had defeated sunday night depression

Adam0791 (12:38:34 AM): well guess who is completely depressed right now, has tears in his eyes. has chelsea coming over at 2 am and is drinking alone at the computer taking shots because shes disgusting.

Adam0791 (12:38:54 AM): i just turned sunday night depression into monday night depression. there is no avoiding it or sleeping through it, it just gets postponed


-jonesagoes

so here's a post about the cans and cants about saying "i love you" between male friends. obviously, we here at coachandbroach are not homophobic, but we all must be careful when exchanging this sweet phrase amongst friends. whenever saying i love you to your male friends, you MUST add a comma followed by a "man" or "bro" or "dawg." for example: "i love you, bro (with a pat on the back)." whats not ok is simply "i love you." for some reason, theres just a sweetly subtle GAY undertone to it. i dont know why or how this phenomenon came to be but try saying just "i love you," when you go give your friend a big appreciative hug and see what his reaction is. WARNING: coach and broach do not take any responsibility for said reaction.

amendment: NEVER use the person's name as in, "i love you, larry" and ESPECIALLY NEVER, "larry, i love you"

also NEVER let a male dolphin attempt anal sex with you, we can't stress that enough, people.

-C&B

you should NEVER let a male dolphin attempt anal sex with you

thanks domm, i dont know where the fuck you get these things

-C&B

so this post is about something odd that happened to me last week- its not as funny as it is what-the-fuck-ish.

so im in this ice cream place in harvard square with my mama and its my turn to order:
ice cream guy: what will you have today?
me: uhh oreo milkshake
guy: what kind of ice cream with that?
me: ill go vanilla.

so after a few minutes i get my milkshake and something is not right. tasted sourish and i look and see no oreos and it has an orangish tint. i go back to the counter and ask him if this is actually an oreo milkshake. his response was as follows:

"oh, i thought you said orangejuice milkshake."

-i sat there for a few seconds wondering if he was kidding, though by the cock-smirk on his face i could tell he was serious. he eventually made me a par-at-best oreo milkshake, but clearly thats not the point of this story. first of all, what the fuck is an orange juice milkshake. secondly, who the fuck would order an orange juice milk shake. and third and most importantly, how often must an orange juice milkshake get ordered so that one would mistake an oreo request with that of orange juice granted this is a FUCKING ICE CREAM PARLOR. im out

-leon jacob mandler

lil dosman (10:36:55 PM): when i asked for "2 chicken parm subs but can u make it with grilled chicken instead of fried for me?"

lil dosman (10:37:03 PM): he goes: "im sorry, there's no way i can do that."

buffalosnoda (10:37:14 PM): hahahhahahahahaha

buffalosnoda (10:37:23 PM): so what u udo

lil dosman (10:37:25 PM): there is absolutely no way that that would be possible

buffalosnoda (10:37:30 PM): hahahhahah

buffalosnoda (10:37:41 PM): did u tell him to relax

lil dosman (10:37:42 PM): i said "you can't just make a grilled chicken sandwich and put sauce and cheese on it"

buffalosnoda (10:37:51 PM): hahahaha

lil dosman (10:37:52 PM): and he goes ooooh, so you just dont want te chicken

lil dosman (10:38:07 PM): "i just want it with grilled chicken instead of the usual fried chicken"

lil dosman (10:38:20 PM): "oh ok. do you still want sauce and cheese on it too?"

-coach and broach

my brother just told me to google the word "love" for images. i suggest you all do it and riddle me how that is the first picture to come up.


-Jonees

If you can read these without laughing out loud, you have no soul. I had to walk out of class today from this.

Top Thirty Facts About Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

See the rest at: http://www.4q.cc/chuck/index.php?topthirty

-smitty norris

before i start this post i want to say that im pretty computer-notsavvy or however you wanna put it. either way, im always impressed with the blatantly bullshit terms and lines that are used in movies and tv in scenes with computers. just a couple examples: in jurassic park where theyre all in that room and they need to re-lock the gates or something and the girl looks at the computer and briskly announces "its a unix system." the screen then shows something like 4 boxes. nice try. or how about in one of the new marines or army commercials where theres a cop in a police car driving around and they pull over and yell to some kid to come over. cop says "it crashed again" and the kid rolls his eyes and responds "reboot with F8 in safe mode." we are then clearly persuaded to join the marines. i dont know what im trying to get at exactly but i guess its just a little more effort from the directors of these things would go a long way.

-JONES

i just heard a guy on fuckin early today say "ugueth urbina, detained in venezuela under murder charges. that should drive his market value down." good economics brosef.

and, ugueth, what the fuck were u doing? everyone in the locker room is juicing up and hitting 50 homeruns a year, and you are meeting up with a crack dealer before practice? jesus christ, sometimes you just need to take a step back and say "was it really a good idea to attack these people with a machete? maybe not. will busting out the gas and attempting to light them on fire resolve or exacerbate the situation?"

well maybe the jury's still out on that one. i don't know, i'm not a doctah.

-coach

good klosterman

-coach and broach

so my nocturnalism has officially gotten out of control. i mean its this utter insanity that leaves me with little left to do besides contemplate my own freakish sleeping habits. i've been going to bed no earlier than this every night. i'm not doing anything at all, besides watching conan repeats, but i have class from 1030 - 245 and a test to study for. and i would be staying up just as late without conan, which is weird considering the ferocity with which i hit the sack midday. to be so tired all the time, and then to be stricken with such a starkly opposite aversion to sleepery when the sun goes down is characteristic of nothing but a sick, sick man. isn't it obvious, self? you sleep to avoid the responsibilities of daytime, ie, going to class and doing work. at night there's no pressure..no one is expecting me to be that productive at 430, and neither am i. we expect me to be dead asleep, not producing shit, in fact.



does this mean anything? no.
am i reading about game theory? of course not.
am i gonna feel good in econometrics tomorrow at 1030? maybe after a few red bulls.
should anybody give a rat's ass? no.

i guess thinking about how crazy you are is the just the kinda thing a guy who isn't doing shit else at 430am starts to do.

-coach

Easily one of my favorite sites on the internet, updated constantly throughout the day, is Overheard in New York. People from all over the city send in things they hear, from conversations with bums to funny things on the subways. Absolutely brilliant. I've posted a few excerpts below.

http://www.overheardinnewyork.com

Dumb teen: Hey, look at this! It says "Train for jobs in beeyotch."
Smarter teen: Fool! That word is biotech. Why you gotta be ignorant all your life?

--1 train

Overheard by: Manhattman

====================================

Crazy: So I had to get fillings in all of my teeth.
Passenger: Uh huh.
Crazy: But I figured, why let them do that to me after they drilled holes in my brain, ya know?
Passenger: Sure.
Crazy: But I figured, might as well! Although if they were going to fill my teeth, I'd want them to use jelly.
Passenger: Yep.
Crazy: But the guy at the counter said they were out of jelly. So I got a blueberry muffin.

--R train

Overheard by: Johnny Shizzle

=================================

The subway doors open. A hobo enters, holding a bottle of windex in one hand and a tube of toothpaste in the other. He says: Which is the better time to read Dostyevsky? Winter?

He sprays the windex.

Hobo: Or Spring?

He squeezes toothpaste out of the tube.

Japanese girl: Spring!
Hobo: You are correct.

--F train

Overheard by: Pete Johnson

-Smithers

interesting that the pic isn't tagged with "halloween"..did they think we got in a fight on a random night, went inside and put on the costumes, took a picture, then went back outside and opened a can? cuz i saw batman the other day and i gotta tell you..it seems like a decent racket..

-coach

well since the pictures didnt work before...here's a more reputable link for everyone to see our halloween costumes

-coach and broach

that's the smartest thing i've ever heard anyone say about anything.

-coach and broach

"Miami removed Hokie junior quarterback Marcus Vick from consideration for any and all awards for the foreseeable future, except maybe a Purple Heart"

wow.

-coach and broach

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this post is directed towards the male gender but i wouldnt be surprised if it is applicable to women as well...

jerking off without porn is a lot like baseball. atleast on the defensive side of the ball. an average defensive game employs about 1-3 pitchers, maybe more if its a tough game. in our jerk session, these "pitchers" are the girls we are thinking about. we all have our starter, who we open the game with and every once in a while can go all nine innings and throw a complete game. but lets be honest, this doesnt happen very often. usually we must employ a relief pitcher and, more often then not, a closer. our closer is one of the most important tools in our bullpen. She's usually been there the longest and (almost) always comes through. she works quickly and efficently. but every so often, even the best pitching crew can be roughed up. at this point we may bring in pitchers never used before, rookies if you will, and they can either be immediately disposed of or, if they perform well, can see themselves enter into the regular pitching rotation.

i can literally think of so many of these pitchers on my team; some even have had their numbers retired...those that, day in and day out, gave it their all...these dont come by very often and are different for every person for their own special reasons (some people may very well be too embarrassed to even mention these names in public...i know ive had my share). i know i defintely have a couple names that have been there since day one of inaugural year...so in conclusion we see once again that the old saying is true: "pitching wins championships"

-jones

i know coach is with me when i say this: i wish that picking your nose was politically correct...or if not completely accepted, atleast equivalent to picking your ears in public.

-jones

how can you be so sure that coach is with you? oh yea, because i havent the slightest apprehension about picking my nose in public. thats why. im at the forefront of this sociopolitical movement people, and i propose a protest to express our civil unrest. here's some ideas for picketing

-coach

well its another successful halloween costume design in the books..most (sane) people could recognize subzero and scorpion (even a few ladies) and jim's raiden costume was off the chain. anywho, i'd just like to express my disdain for tufts, since we actually had to leave campus on halloween just to find a party, cuz not a single person was doing anything..so in the process of leaving campus for parties, we got into a little scuffle, but fear not, cuz i obviously just harpooned all evil doers and let jones hit them in the head with a cowbell before mike ripped their spines out.

-coach

i got shit on myself you fucker!!

(smitty edit, i found these)
The Sequel
and
The Triquel
from the yodaman

-C&B

-Der Smitty

so the other day i watched jones attempt to enjoy an orange (maybe a clementine), but give up abruptly after the peeling process was cut short and he was lift with nothing but a nickel-sized piece of orange zest under his thumbnail and i got to thinking..as long as we've got a magic hat from which to pull watermelons without seeds, why not start growing oranges with some kind of string under the peel to provide for easy removal? think about it like the red wax bonbel cheese wheels..who among us doesnt take one last look at the red wax before tossing it, and then one last look at the cheese, just to acknowledge how there will never be a better system for packaging and peeling? its a thing of beauty

-coach

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it never seems to fail me: every time i have ever gone to a drive thru and theres a woman at working the intercom, i have to flirt with her. you know damn well that youre always thinking that this time the girl is gonna be hot. and who would have thought...you drive up...and shes a 300 pound black woman. every single time. but who am i trying to kid, im gonna do the same thing next time and be disgusted again. and again. and again.

-jones

ive been sick so i decided to go to cvs to try and get some recovery items. being the poor poor bro that i am, i opted for the generic brand nyquil. sour choice by this guy. it tasted like black licorice that was pickled in cheap vodka. that receives a GAHK rating of 9.3 next time ill drop the extra 90 cents.

-jonesbro

you know those games where they show you a picture and you have to pick the one that doesnt fit? here's an example

we never said we were politically correct...make sure you check out the caption

-coachandbroach

so i may or may not have been watching laguna beach when i realized that everything i do and every situation im in would be 10x cooler if there was a sweet song in the background. in the same sense, i think that if you played any of the laguna beach scenes without the music it just wouldnt be LAGUNA!!!!! (dont hate)

-jones

since you asked, ill be happy to tell you a part of society that annoys me, though im sure some of you pussies may disagree. i find it particularly annoying and unnecessary when people say "god bless you" after a sneeze. who the fuck are you to tell god to bless me and more importantly i dont think i need "god's blessing" after just a pussy sneeze. maybe the next time i get punched in the face you can say it. im much less annoyed by the spanish retort of "salud" (to health). but i think that most people today only use it out of the attempt to avoid akwardness. i wont lie, if its just me and one person in a room, im most likely gonna say it. does that make me a hipocrit? maybe. but we as a society have built so much expectation upon that useless retort that there's an exteme akwardness if its not stated. even worse, today i sneezed and some dude next to me drops the full "god bless you." i roll my eyes and give a half hearted thanks. one might think that this would end the interaction but NO. he continued this all ready drawn conversation with a "your welcome." i dont think i need to say much more, so lets make an attempt to stop this stupidness and either say "salud" or just shut the fuck up.

-jones

when one is asked "what is the worst day of the week?" it is easy to automatically say "monday." but this is wrong and i will tell you why. the right answer is sunday. 1)Clearly you procrastinated and did no work all weekend leaving everything for sunday...disaster
2) you dont wake up till 3 and are still so hungover that (1) becomes near impossible.
3) my team sucks in fantasy, so football is nothing short of frustratingoed.
4) this should definitely be number one: SUNDAY NIGHT DEPRESSION
for those who arent familiar with SND, ill give you a brief explanation:
after (atleast) three nights of binge drinking, your body finally gives way and shuts down due to an overwhelming intake of depressants from the weekend. you start thinking about all the things wrong with your life; from school, to relationships, to your future. you consider doing something more meaningful- like volunteer, or maybe even joining the peace corps. you think about how ronery you are- and how all you want is to snuggle with someone...someone who isnt there. WARNING: no big decisions should be made on sundays. because of the magnitude of strength that comes with SND, no one, and im mean NO ONE should make life altering decisions i.e: transfering schools, getting back together with ex's, and suicide. but SND is different for everyone and i will now provide several testtimonies about what SND is for them.

FREEFREE: real depressed right now. i have a midterm tomorrow ive done nothing for. i dont have a book for it. all i can think about is whether or not im going to get out of it, and how disgusting the girl in my bed was last night. i have nothing, and my life has absolutely no meaning. at this point im a waste of space and a dissapointment. can feel tears in my eyes.
thats what sunday depression means to me"

L Suarez: "losing on a last second td pass"

Cohnbro: "feeling really down lately...fri and sat night u go out to try to have fun and maybe meet a lady...nosing seems to go right...nosing going on sunday night...everybody just doing their own thing...in their own room...just a rittre ronery..."

my big bro: just want to be in a dark room by myself, no point in talking to anyone because whats the point, another week coming up of the same stupid things, alcohol is ruining my life but i cant live without it

so there you have it folks

-jones and co.
thanks to all that offered their testimonials

hey, guys who live on the second floor of our house (mike, max, jim) could someone explain to me why NOT putting the tp on the roller is somehow easier? i think i speak for everyone when i say, install the new roll immediately. and dont argue, cuz u know u need 1 free hand for that crossword puzzle.

-coach

Somebody's gotta post...

Easily one of the funniest videos I've seen in a while
http://www.toxic.no/php/vis_film.php?id=82

-lawyer smitty

i just can't seem to get enough of this video, introduced to me by triznatch

-coach

Sometimes you just feel like a post is needed. And sometimes the only thing you can do is look to your good man Shaq. In his words....

Don't fake the funk on a nasty dunk.

PS - happy birthday smitty

-Smitty in Egypt

storkish: good god yall

-coachandbroach

SkylineEra Dylan ): worked till like 11
SkylineEra Dylan : then i went to a rubic's cube party
LonnieJonesBro : your officially THE biggest nerd of all time
SkylineEra Dylan : it was fun, we each had an articles of clothing, that were the rubic colors, then we mixed and matched such that we end up with one color
LonnieJonesBro : yeah uhh your out of the band
SkylineEra Dylan: don't hate
LonnieJonesBro: im sorry i must

-jones

too many guys so SOTP IT!

-du hands

-jones

this one is pretty sweet- take notes all you douchbags!

thanky big bro

-jones

well, on saturday night we witnessed first hand the utter power and overwhelming ability of jones's kavorka when some drunk bitch was inexplicably and uncontrollably thrust head-first into a fit of whoredom, followed closely by a fit of rage, when it became increasingly clear that he wanted nothing to do with her, and that she had made a complete and total skank out of herself

Jones here: so we were all just chilling in max and matts room- doing a J or somesing when this drunk chick walks into the room and straddles me. im like "wtf mate? if you werent a puke face this would funs." but she was. so she keeps trying to grab my glasses and i says "nos...you cannot has them." so then she jumps on top of me again and i yell in front of a room of about 10 "OH MY GOD this girl just ripped the dirtiest fart on me...everyone laughs at her face...i run to the bathroom and bring her back some T.P. at this point she decides she doth not like me. she then attempts to punch me in the face. several times. it then carries on outside the room where i decide to play with her a little bit more- its A.D.D. time. so push comes to shuv and somehow the mangina comes out and everyones having a great time except for whorey mcfuckerson. all in all it was HI-LA-REE-US.

-coach and Broach

and late

-coach and broach

the stuff dreams are made of
-ken

p.s. check out the guys shirt

-coach

okay, so being the lazy fuck that i am, whenever i see those automatic handicapped door openers i hit them so i can just walk through with no effort...and why the hell not? how come i get so many dirty fucking looks? i know theyre just thinking "i cant wait till you have no fucking legs and youll HAVE to push that blue square button." well to them i say eat a dick, cuz im gonna continue using the door helpers.
happy passover

-jones

Auto response from d0mmm (4:39:49 PM): With the recent surge in comic book heroes making the jump to the big screen Silver Pictures has signed Joss Whedon, creator of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, to write and direct the Wonder Woman feature film.
In related news, nobody cares and Wonder Woman is still the worst hero of all time.
I'll keep this short and sweet:
Wonder Woman's abilties are weak at best and greatly overshadowed by her weaponry. That's right evil-doers, tremble in fear at the Golden Lasso of Truth. No I did not make that up. She doesn't even fly. Who in their right mind would consider her the female counterpart to Superman if she lacks the standard hero ability of flight? What's worse is that in order to make up for this disappointment, she pilots an invisible airplane. It's a bird, it's a plane, its the gayest hero since gay came to gaytown.

-cooch

Berg of G (9:52:09 PM): sorry just had to share an awesome story with someone before im killed
Berg of G (9:52:23 PM): u would like to hear?
lil dosman (9:52:27 PM): jesm
Berg of G (9:53:01 PM): guy (black guy) takes my laundry out of the machine as im passing by and is dropping it all over the floor..
Berg of G (9:53:25 PM): i go up to him and say cant u use another machine i still have time left and he was like i already put money in this one or something
Berg of G (9:53:59 PM): so he takes my shit out with time left... so i went back 5 mins later and put a snickers in the dreyer with all his shit
Berg of G (9:54:31 PM): and its all white clothes... if i see him again i might die
lil dosman (9:54:37 PM): hahahahaha
lil dosman (9:54:44 PM): omg
lil dosman (9:54:48 PM): thats amazing
Berg of G (9:55:08 PM): it was a nice rush but now im genuinely worried...i mean he obviously lives in my building
lil dosman (9:55:17 PM): hahaha
Berg of G (9:55:47 PM): i hoping all white guys look the same to black guys bc even though im pretty sure ive never seen him, i obviously might not realize i have
lil dosman (9:56:35 PM): hahaha
Berg of G (9:59:45 PM): so yea if that doesnt end up on c and b i dotn know what will
lil dosman (10:00:23 PM): thats unbelievable

-coach and broach

so this is probably gonna be one of those posts that god is gonna use to explain why i ended up in hell. so you know how annoying those loud beeping noises are when a 18 wheeler is backing up? well theres this handicapped kid in one of my classes who uses a motorized scooter wheel chair to get around. the worst thing is that every time he goes in reverse that high pitched beep just screams. soo funny. i mean i can understand them on an 18 wheeler, its hard to understand why theyre on golf carts, but why in gods name is it on this kids wheel chair? its a goddam slap in his unusable legs! (told you i was going to hell)

-jones

so we all know that the jones is known for his crazzy (yes crazzy) dreams. so last night was dabbled on both ends of the spectrum- one amazing and one the worst one of all time. lets start with the beans. so im in the middle of driving somewhere in a car...all of a sudden i hear a crackling sound (in real life, in my room)... as im in on the brink of waking up i feel this huge spider thing crash on my face. i go from sleeping to ready to fight a rabid dog in one sec. apparently, the christmas lights (the blue icicle kind) that have been hanging over my bed crashed right on my face creating the scariest wake up ive ever excperienced.

the better dream was that i was performing on stage with incubus at this concert with only famous people. so all of a sudden all these random famous people from the crowd started coming onstage- most notably flava flav. so after we rock the house we decided to head to a party- me, lohan, jon stamos and rebecca romane ( however you spell that shit) so after we get to the party everyone gets out and i had been hitting on rebecca while jon was in the front seat. jon stamos notices and pulls her out, i respond with but "uncle jesse, we were just talking." immediately i realized this was a mistake. i saw his face get red and he pulled me out of the car to fight. at this point i did that "u know your gonna die so wake up tactic" and woke up. so that was that- pretty good i think.
late

-jones

well, once again i've outsmarted you all, solving my underwear problem the same way i've solved every problem i've been faced with in the past month. with krazy glue. yes, in honor of the upcoming easter holiday i resurrected an old retired pair of boxer briefs by reintroducing them to their old friend the waistband through the use of this glorious panacea in a tube. if it could only erase skidmarks my life would be complete.

-coach

here's a nice statistics problem for me to review for the test this morning at 10:30:
if i own 7 pairs of boxers, and the probability that i will wear each more than once is .9, i do laundry about once a month, and have a probability of .97 that i'm the greasiest kid you've ever met, what is the probability that i will be wearing a shirt as underwear to the test?

highly likely from what i see
-coach

so a couple nights ago i really had one of the weirder dreams of my life. So me and the band were in this Krispy Kreme store- it was like a wal mart that specialized in make your own krispy kreme. So for some reason i was making a doughnut sandwich: sub roll, two donuts, salami and mustard. yumm. it was kinda big and i was struggling to get it closed when coach came over to offer assistance. He proceeded to let me know that the secret to keeping a sandwich tight is oil and vineger. and it stuck...clearly. so i then approached the cash register and the lady at the register asked me if i wanted to join the "Duncan Heinz Donut club". i said no thanks. "but its free and you can get coupons for free dontus." i told her no thanks and she responded with "i said it was FREE, arent you jewish?" so i was like what the fuck lady, lemme see your manager. after arguing with the manager about his anti-semitic employee he went to the storage room and came back. as reparations for having to deal with this antisemitism he brought me three notebooks, a tennis racket, and two smaller racquet ball rackets. OBVIOUSLY i gracioulsy accpeted his offering. i guess alls fair in love and donuts and kikels and tennis rackets.

-stupid broach

this morning punxatawny mike came out of his hole and didn't see a "shadow" aka the desire to kill himself. break out the wiffleballs and the pasty white legs its officially springtime!

-coach

firstly, sorry to all the catholics out there about your pope, atleast for him mitch hedberg will be there to cheer him up. what a bummer that hes gone too. But the reason im writing is this concept of how the next pope is chosen. from what ive heard its exactly like a coach voting a player for the allstar game; you have to vote for a certain number of people and you cant vote for anyone from your team. "For the First pick in the 2005 draft, the Cardinals choose..."

-jones

today at lunch we encountered an interesting character who asked if he could sit with us, as we were getting ready to leave dewick. i didn't think much of it, and rather than shatter his hopes and dreams i figured, sure sit down. his name was bob and he was from indiana. bob was travelling around different colleges trying to sell his book, "confessions," which must have seemed like a good title at the time (either that or "my way"). essentially its bob's journal. he explained that it is a search for reasoning behind the collegiate alcohol and kissing culture or something and pointed out that "you can celebrate alcohol and that's fine, but i'm looking to go straight to the kissing." im not really sure what that means but i found it hard to believe that bob had landed many chicks in his day. to truly understand why any person might actually be interested in reading bob's journal, they have to experience his personality, which is best described as dr. ewen on speed (maybe with a touch of first mate in there). the guy was so damn excitable i thought he might combust when leon and matt each bought a copy of "confessions" just to bring us to a point where we could stand up and leave the table.

-coach

so i have always gotten a lot of shit from my parents about the fact that i started drinking ans smoking too early- when i was 13 or 14... to them i say this: ive recently been reading "scar tissue" anthony Kiedis of the chili pepper's book- this crazy bastard did his first line of coke when he was 11, heroin by 14. he also got laid when he was 11. they say that the earlier you start doing drugs the greater the chance of becoming an addict, but i think those people shouldnt count his 15 year heroin binge and because his music is the bomb diggity dog. good book by the way.

jones

im writing today in a bad mood. why you ask? well i was watching a good dose of full house when it went to commercial...and what comes on?...it was another one of those fucking jamster commercials. does anyone really buy these things? i mean you can order a cool graphic for your phone that says "get that paper" or "g-Unit" but besides those who would ever buy these things? i swear to god, call me bitter, but if i ever run into that dancing purple elephant on the street im gonna rape its soul.

love, broach

hey guys its good ol L Jones. sorry i havent posted in a while...i ve been trying to stay in college for more that one semester. so anywho me and mike and a couple people have had a bit of an argument recently- it has to do with our on bed egg crates. i believe that the mat should go nipples down so your getting the comfort without the pokes. everyone ive talked to has disagreed with me but im standing tough...let me know how you do your do.

jones

so sik wit it
pretty dificile, but nothing can stop team nizzle

-coacher

shock and awe.
not quite sure what to make of this...all i can say is some people are both clever and disgusting

-from rok

-coach and broach

and just like that the sun is up. another night of awakedness longevity training in the books and a few meaty posts under my belt. i mean, unless of course you lost interest around the first couple. then i've just been doing the world a grave injustice.

shout out to:
1. allie for forgetting her keys in a friend's car tonight, for it was through her mentioning of her situation that i came to the realization that i too had left my keys in a friend's car and wouldn't have been able to get into my room if it hadn't been pointed out just then. see these are the kinds of things that i fuck up a lot on. so i need to be surrounded by people that occasionally fuck up also, that way i have a checklist going. when someone fucks up and i hear about it, i'm able to take a second and say "hmmm..self, did you fuck up too? cuz that sounds like ur kinda move." tonight the answer was yes.

and

2. ken for spoiling me with a feeze pop and the opportunity to enjoy a game of turtles in time after my trip to rectify the key situation, AND a handful of oreos for the long, cold walk home.

-coach

second episode:

lows:
1. uncle jesse refusing to help dj with her stay in school campaign and reveals that *gasp* he never graduated from high school. apparently a teacher named mr. pearson was an enormous cocknugget and ripped on the jesse for forgetting the whitman poem, "o captain, my captain," so he went to the bathroom for 11 years. pointage: -3 for leading off with drama.
2. mr pearson, obviously jesse's night school teacher (in a bizarre twist of fate) a total dick. pointage: -3 for predictability, +2 for effectiveness of character = -1

highs:
1. inspriational speech by aunt becky to convince jesse to go back to school
2. the jessman being recognized in class by a jessie and the rippers fan. "you played at smash club!" jesse proceeds to teach the fan how to do a badass kick while rocking out on keyboards. pointage: +14
3. freakin classic scene of jesse telling michelle that she shouldn't give up on learning to tie her shoes (at about the age of 9) and teaching himself a little lesson about the importance of persistence and hard work, after walking out of class earlier that night. +3 for convention

overall (again not related to points): A-
caught off-guard with dramatic opening scene but having the man, the myth, the legend as the focal point of the episode brings this half hour out on top.

-coach

scooby doo: crazy zombie woman that sticks kids into movies or something tripped out. pretty standard really.

full house:

lows:
1. some intense moments where steve "comes between" dj and danny, a tense triangle is being brought to its elastic limit, when steve decides that he can't come between dj and her father, and must stop seeing her. pointage: -4.
2. cheesy scene featuring logical, objective (danny)-just tell me how you feel (vicky) dichotomy where danny rerealizes what its like to be in love and realizes he's being a cock. pointage: -6

highs:
1. debut of the rushhour renegades, uncle jesse high on cold pills pointage: +6 (nostalgic trivia bonus)
2. kimmy gibbler coming through with great comments e.g. when dj contemplates spending the night at kimmy's and she replies "uh, you might not wanna do that deej, my dad's run out of foot deodorant." points: +3
3. big kiss by aunt becky to awaken the slumbering uncle jesse, who passed out shitfaced on nyquil. pointage: +8 +2 for red-haired aunt becky = +10

overall grade (in no way related to point system): C+
too dramatic and danny-heavy

next episode being viewed currently.

-coach

oh my goodness, had it still been on, i would have cleansed my pallet with a small dose of ronco, but scooby doo has now made an appearance in my night on cartoon network and it looks like ive got a solid hour of full house lined up on nick at nite. glorious despite repetitive chocolate factory commercials.

-coach

more points earned for:

dre's master plan being to have a "bikini" wash rather than the current "rapper/aspiring rapper wash" to generate revenue. the answer was right under our nose all along, and the little guy from how to be a player

overall rating: C+, derivative: positive

-coach

first scene that i see:

a black beetle is parked outside at the wash, getting finished up by the guy. he is holding a washcloth. girl approaches from the right. he hands her her keys.

[guy]

do come again.

[girl]

yo where was the stuff i had in here?

ok im not going to write the whole thing like this...but basically she accuses him of stealing some money from out of her car while washing it. he then explains to us that if he takes something, he takes something big, not a few measley dollars". they exchanged "you don't know me"'s, and she drove away while he tried to give her 3 dollars back. i fear we may never get to the bottom of this.

then there was a scene that revealed that snoop and dre are roommates at odds in this movie, as snoop smoked a blunt with two bitches on the couch, while dre comes out of his room to ask that they turn the music down. snoop shuts his punk ass up and scene.

bonus points for: snoop and dre being antagonists, snoop being amazing and spitting "i paid the cost to be the boss" and a bunch of things too overdubbed to decipher, the owner of "the wash" being named mr. washington or "mr. wash" for short, and the light skinned brother from how to be a player.

to his credit, vin diesel mentioned the acronym npc is his interview with conan.
conan also made the whole "having vin diesel on the show" thing with a hilarious "leonard diesel" skit. next guest -> random person...time to check out the wash only on upn

-coach

its 4:15 am, i'm just coming off a turtles in time quickie with ken and my tv choices are ron popeil knives en espanol, or a conan rerun thats already past the monologue, or ("laugh-cenral") and conan just said "you have seen my first guest in the films xXx and the fast and the furious, or the wash starring dr. dre. so i need opinions here folks..not as to which one to choose, im of course going to be flipping evenly between the three...what i can't figure out is whether i love or hate this programming selection.

"..and in no way is that depressing"

im not sure if ive posted about this yet, but i do know that i havent made a post in about 4 years. so here goes...i spilled a shitload of water on my computer earlier last month and incapacitated the keyboard for a day. when the water covered it, i tried to frantically rip off all the keys in order to dry the circuitry underneath the keyboard and removed the following keys: 7, 8, y, u, i, g, h, j, k, n, m, b, space bar, alt, ctrl. the next day when it started working again i reattached all of the keys, except the U key which was broken in the process. and have been using a penny for a key for the past 4 weeks.

well i finally picked up some krazy glue and fixed that shizzle so no more wandering u key for me. i can hit the letter u quickly and accurately from now on...check it out....uuuuuu
u
u
u
bitches

oh yea and also we saw mitch hedberg tonight
hellz yea

-coach

Smitty81412 (7:01:13 PM): how do blind people know when they are done wiping
LonnieJonesBro (7:01:30 PM): probably the best question i have ever heard
LonnieJonesBro (7:01:33 PM): i have no idea
Smitty81412 (7:01:37 PM): mind boggling
LonnieJonesBro (7:01:40 PM): you just think of that?
Smitty81412 (7:01:51 PM): i was typing my yiddish culture exam and all of a sudden it hit me
Smitty81412 (7:02:02 PM): there is this blind kid in the class, every time he sits down he might have a poopy butt

-jones

the look on your face was priceless

-coach and broach

i just got a retainer that i have to wear at night because i grind my teeth. its kinda uncomfortable but not too bad...the problem is that i think i have some sort of unconscious distaste for it (pun). lets recap the occurences of the first three nights of my wearing it. NIGHT 1: i wake to find it under my bed. NIGHT 2: i wake to find it a few feet away from my bed, on the floor. NIGHT 3: i wake to find it being grasped in my hand. tonight will be night 4 and i shall keep you posted. i was also wondering how long it takes to smell like a dead mans asshole.

-jones

its probably a good thing that my alarm has been going off every day at 10am while i was gone. you know, not so much for me but for jared.

-coach

my weekend getaway went pretty smoothly, despite not playing any cards while in miama and not arriving back at school til 430 am. i didn't forget anything too important at home, which is obviously a first for me. i got to spend some quality time with my lover, even though i gave her the stomach illness and projectile vomiting that i was stricken with (by the way im really sorry about that), met a girl with a 6 week old miniature bulldog, played some lax with the raiders (albeit a very poor performance by a once proud player), and ate plenty of wendy's/burger king. of course the highlight of the trip came on the plane ride back to boston, while i was watching some old poker tourney on espn classic, before the invention of pocket-cams for hole card viewing and the use of onscreen graphics to help viewers follow the betting action, and i glanced over at my neighbor's screen only to find her intently watching the "esteban: the gift of music" guitar package infomercial.

-coach

look- thats a flying plewkalakalaka...maybe its my untreated ADD, but this kid doesnt really get old for me.
-du goldberg

joneser

despite how fucking freaky that anti weed commercial with the grandma who appears everywhere is...THIS might just be the one that does the trick.

-jones

does anyone know what bile tastes like?
i do.
it looks like mountain dew...but not quite as refreshing...plus it doesnt make you want to do anything EXTREME other than passing out

-coach

little something i came across while reading away messages...some good ADD/advice from alain squindo's tio jorge:

"oye, y hace frio en washington?"
"si, tio"
"bueno, en mi experiencia, el mejor calor es el de una mujer....si..asi es.. pero cuidate porque hay muchas enfermedades en la calle...entonces ponte un sombrero."

-coach

ok, now THIS is definitely pushing it...

from the jay

-jones

so today was officially my worst school day ever...after staying up all night doing a fuckin problem set for stat and thusly not studying for my calc test (why am i in that class anyway?) i awoke 15 minutes after the test had started...after the test kicked my ass for an hour or so, i went to turn in my problem set and, goody, was told that it was due for class and is therefore late, which means the teacher will take it, look at it, correct it, and then wipe his ass with it and not record the grade. so a lot of fucking good it did me to put all that damn effort into that shit...

-bitter at the universe

pretty good...especially if your the proud owner of A.D.D.

from the handy man

-jones

lauren sends video to many peoples. it is funny commercial.
gentlement, behold.

-coach and broach

so for those of you who haven't heard/seen yet:
there you have it

-coach

i was in the shower and a long asked philosophical question jumped into my head. i am yet to approach my philosohy 101 professor nor have i beckoned the local priest or rabbi; instead, obviously, i ask you. so...when in the shower and after youve applied a good amount of soap to your hand (we'll say liquid soap for now), you proceed to clean the ol stink hole. after a thorough washing, my question comes into play...do you have to wash that hand again with more soap??? i mean, theres still soap from the previous application- but is it rotten? is it unclean? am i fucking dirtbag for even asking this? please let me know what your thoughts are so i can make the possible lifestyle changes.
thankyou,
-your jones bro

how do you say "i missed my oppurtunity and now i have to settle for jerking off to these pictures on the internet?" like this....

-jones

compliments of a badoo. a;sldkjfl;askd

-jones

you've heard of the holocaust- THIS is the opposite of that...amazing and a half.....36 today, 26 yesterday, 1 the day before- let me know if anyone gets that

-C & B

for all those freudians who can decipher dreams- what the fuck does this mean: last night i had a dream that i got a tatto that said "i love strawberries"
riddle me that shit

-jones

"big ups" to blaker who is making something of himself while the rest of us are competing to see who falls down in the snow more often than the other.

-coach

we were all pleasantly surprised when we returned to school to find that the toilet paper had been significantly upgraded. in addition, purell dispensers were installed in every bathroom, which is terribly convenient. the downside, however, as ken pointed out, is that i now spend 75% of the day walking around with food and/or fecal matter on my hands, which doesn't bother me so much as other people, who arent aware that im 99.9% disinfected. so if i shake someone's hand, and they are disgusted to find that i've caused it to change color, i have to be sure to relive them. "oh don't worry, i purelled. you can be 99.9% unconcerned about that."

-coach

they shoot, she scores

-du goldberg

so we're sitting around the table at dinner and the conversation was as follows:

mike (to our friend max): so is your name really Maxamillion?
max: no its Maxwell, actually...i thought it was just max until my Bar mitzvah invitaion said maxwell.

if you knew max, youd understand.

-jonesy

little ditty here from the shankmeister general

-coach

btw we've got some good stuff on the way for u loyal readers so sit tight and eventually we WILL blow your asses off once again

me and the big brother talking about The Juice's new music thinger that we're a part of- called myspace.com. it allows you to view the people who have become your friends:

NateDoggsz: some real ugly girls on there
LonnieJonesBro: oh yeah
NateDoggsz: haha
LonnieJonesBro: but its like mining- you have to sift through a shitload of dirt to find the gold
NateDoggsz: im sifting right now

-the jones

ps we're gonna try and start getting back on track with the postings- sorry for all you out there who were in withdrawal for so long