while studying for various economics tests, i came across this in a buddy's aim profile. a graph, not of cost curves and profit margins, but an important model for the functions of society nonetheless.

-coach

HEARETH MY DECREE:
i move to abolish single stuffed oreos. well maybe not abolish them. but the default oreo should undoubtedly be double stuffed. i think that we should only have to choose from either double stuffed or quadruple stuffed in the cookie aisle. anyone who prefers single to double is obvioulsy half as awesome.

-Jonesy

well here you have it folks...for almost a year now, unbeknownst to all of us, the cookie monster has been undergoing a health transformation. even the song "c is for cookie," has been CLIAAAPPED and replaced by the new "cookie is a sometime food." utter bullshit. im glad that rachel brought this blasphemy to my attention so that i could...well, whine about it i guess. GODDAMN!

read an article about it here:
c is for cockass

-coach

representing the ol Tufts University. WHAT NOW

-C&B

good news maybe now people can sue a fast food franchise for giving them something they didn't ask for.

haeoaornds

-coachandbroach

what do you get when you cover a pile of cottage cheese with a floral bedsheet?

-Jones

sorry

public finance homework: farmer jones produces honey using bees. his marginal cost curve is (whatever). farmer smith produces apples from his orchard. his marginal cost curve is (whatever).

j: hey, thats you (leon) and jared (smith).

coach: do farmers call each other by that title? like doctors?

jones: like do you send an invitation to farmer and mrs. jones?

coach: "well, mister jones.."
"excuse me, i didn't spend the last 45 years NOT going to school to be called 'mister' thank you very much."

-coach and broach

away message from JPOGMD4788:

My favorite day of the yr..the post Valentines Day fallout. Its a hilarious day and ill tell u why. There is such a dichotomy in the female community today. On 1 side u have the girls who had dates or boyfriends, and these girls actually think now bc their guys were all nice and lovey to them and romantic for 1 night that their boyfriends actually like them haha.On the other side u have the girls who were too pathetic to even be able to milk a guy into taking them out and catering to them and they are all bitter today. Its interesting to see the differences in these 2 groups of hos and u can tell right away bc some girls r all giddy today and others are soo depressed. My question for u all out there tho is this: Which group of girls is more pathetic and stupid? The girls who are being tricked by their dates/bfs or the ones who couldnt even get tricked?? Its an interesting discussion and the moral is all girls are sooo dumb. I love having a penis.



(The feelings and messages expressed in this presentation are in no way sponsored by or affiliated with The Coach & Broach network. All correspondence pertaining to the prior issue should be filed elsewhere. Nevertheless, C&B co. will take full responsibility for the distribution of this hilarity)

cheers to having a penis!

-C&B

Alright Miam Hurricanes!!! Maybe we should just stick to football.

from the jare-jare files

-C&B

As a jew, im frankly disgusted at my religion. How could, after all this time, they keep one of the greatest culinary secrets from me. im talking ham here people...honey baked. Since coach's mom sent a monster leg of honey baked hammy goodness to the house, my life has been changed. Turkey is a thing of the past and my eyes are fixed on the future: me and ham, ham and me. It's the last thing on my mind when i lie down and the first thing when i rise up. Granted im nauseaseous (obviously no clue how to spell that)for a good portion of every day since that package arrived, but i couldnt ask for a better mate this valentime's day. i love ham. i love ham. i love ham. and ham. this is probably worse than my snood addiction.


-Jones

For those who havent seen this yet, THIS is the future salvation for the Canes football program. and HERE are a couple more pictures of the man-child when he was 15 fucking years old. he is now a junior and im wet in aspiration just waiting for him to be in a canes jersey.

thx trenchy

-C&B

so did anyone know that the Captain Planet theme song was written and copyrighted by Phil Collins? i find that amazing...i mean that i could be in the dark about such an achievement that was such a big part of my youth. The Power is Yours!

-jones

popozao

-coach

how does that little space behind the hinges on the toilet seat get so damn dirty? it honestly looks like everyone is just avoiding the toilet's actual opening and just shitting between the seat and the tank. oh, and also they have way too much hair in their diets.

-coach

it was just brought to my attention that im apparently completely out of line by standing up to wipe. several of the bitches i apparently live with say that "everyone in the world" wipes sitting down. i think only women do. i dont think im wrong in standing and if i am so be it- im not changing my ways at this point in the game.

please let me know how you do

-leon

P.S. the next theyre gonna tell me is that im supposed to wash my hands afterwards.

coach response:

personally, the act of ass wiping has gone through a lot of evolution throughout my life. i remember the first time i had to poop in preschool. the bathroom was in between my class and my brother's first grade class next door. luckily he was in the bathroom at the same time as me and i was able to ask, "hey. soo...how do i wipe my butt?" hell if i know what i had been doing up until that point, but he told me to crumple up a ball of paper and use that. so for a while thats how it went down. eventually, as i got older, and my motor skills developed, i was able to conserve paper (although i can still go through a roll in a few sittings) by using a nice fold-over style layering process. now this whole time, i had been a standing wiper for whatever reason.

[SPOILER WARNING!!]

then one fateful day i rose from the throne to clean up, and, lo and behold, i witnessed the descent of a dingleberry onto the shorts around my ankles. and ever since, i have always been a sitter. thankfully, i was in the comfort of my own home, but for the love of god, take this bit of advice, my friend:

BETTER SAFE THAN STAINED.

-coach

being away from miami has hurt me in more ways than one. not eating fast food every night has weakened my stomach's defenses, and now one little trip to taco bell for a good to go crunchwrap supreme and a cheesy gordita crunch leave me feeling like i have a bear trap in my stomach

-coach

I must say that im a big fan of the low-cut jeans. on girls. They look great but lets not pretend there isnt any down side. im talking butt crack here people. Theres nothing i enjoy less than seeing a girl's butt crack- and heres the weird part: it doesnt matter if its the hottest girl cuz she, too, as a gross butt crack. i think i may know why that is: Mischa Barton's butt crack would look the same as Michael Vitiello's butt crack (well maybe that wasnt the perfect example but you get what i mean). i dont need to be walking through the dining hall and have my meal corrupted by some nasty ass cracks...sorry to the fat girls, skinny girls, ugly girls and hot girls alike. Its naaasty. Now if i could somehow see the bottom half of the girl's ass, like in those "boys'" underwear panties, then id be in business.

-JOnes

p.s. the only crack i could ever like would be Jack Bauer's

although i couldve deduced that the male cheerleader was gay, i opted to look at his facebook profile...i not find it under "interested in:" but rather under the following:

INTERESTS: Gymnastics, Cheerleading, Clubbing, Dance, horror movies, photography, printmaking, graphic design, biology, gay, music, qaf, gay pride


this is copied and pasted right from the profile...not that theres anything wrong with that.


-Jones

so we are all familiar with the historical question of "if a tree falls in the woods, does it make a sound?" or the more popular, "does the pope shit in the woods?" anywho, ive come up with a similar one, that will in all probability be argued for centuries to come:

if i am in the shower, and i wipe my ass with a bar of soap, is the soap dirty?

now dont rush to any conclusions for there are many different aspects and extraneous variables that must be taken into account upon coming up with a viable conclusion. i would love to see the philosophical argument take place amongst the comments.

cheers

-JOnes

cuhrazy music video

-coach

i'taint the house and i'taint the senate


-C&B

so i was at the dining hall this morning for breakfast and i was over at the cereal section. to my dismay, they were out of almost everything- no cocoa krispies, lucky charms, CTC, or frosted flakes. so i went with the always unpopular sugar smacks. now let me tell you, as i walked from the cereal station to the milkeria and then to my table i got looks like i was the drunk uncle who molested his little niece. i mean, they arent great but come on- i felt like i had committed a crime.

-jones

i wonder how much better my balls/ass would smell if they weren't neighbors. like, maybe having a shorter taint is what makes some people naturally smelly..? i know i've described BO by commenting on the fact that it smells like ass or frumunda cheese. maybe theyre not each naturally evil, but when combined, have a reaction like a science fair volcano.

-cochise

ok so this was my dream last night:

a blind girl walked up to me and said how offended she was by a post that i had made the day before on C&B. apparently i had posed the question "how does a blind person with no arms tell who she is talking to? and my answer was to feel the persons face with her feet (apparently i thought that would be really funny in my dream, forgetting the fact that the blind person isnt mute and deaf and could just ask who she is talking to). im not really sure the point of this post but i guess its just that im so dedicated to this site that i think of posts in my dreams.

-jones

ive always said that i like smaller boobs than bigger ones. obviously, i have my reasons. though very often bigger breastasists look better in shirts with cleavage, the issue comes with the direct relationship between boob size and margin of error. its simple, the bigger the boob, the more room for mistakes (i.e huge, terrible nipples). so im here to debunk the rumors that bigger boobs are better, cuz theyre usually not. HERE is an example.

-JONES

we're going down tuhh in a luleelurah

-C@B

since u mention superpowers i have to jump in the posting game and mention that i am watching Superman (1978) here and, despite the glorious theme song by JWill, am mesmerized by the rest of the movie's wholly sweeterribilé nature. so good/bad. to the max.

-cueoarrch

I cant wait to get back and see my friends from tufts:

iVeRs17872: how good is kelly clarkson
iVeRs17872: seriously
Smitty81412: seriously... very good
Smitty81412: no joke, i would BUY her cd
Smitty81412: out of respect

keep it up guys.

-leon

worst superpower

-C@B

I move to change the name of this site to Broach and Broach and sometimes a guy named Smitty. Coach, you really need to get on your game.

-Jonesagoed

i was thinking about it, and jewish and black people are very alike. see the following:

1) We both have big fucking noses.
2) We both love diamonds (or just plain money)
3) We both have been hated on (you know the whole slavery and holocaust shindigs).
4) We both love smoking weed (i would bet that besides the rastas, jews and blacks
smoke more weed then any other minority).
5) The best jokes are about jews or blacks- straight up. (obviously, i would say the
latter are more funny)

please post other similarities.

-jones

i just cried watching remember the titans.

-Mrs. Leon Mandler

THIS is from the, in my opinion, best Saved By The Bells of all time when Ms. Spano cant handle the stresses of high school life and is sucked in by the lure of caffeine pills.

-CB

It's a Festivus miracle!

FRANK: Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reach for the last one they had - but so did another man. As I rained blows upon him, I realized there had to be another way!

KRAMER: What happened to the doll?

FRANK: It was destroyed. But out of that, a new holiday was born. "A Festivus for the rest of us!"

KRAMER: That musta been some kind of doll.

FRANK: She was.

smits

so my life is a lot like larry david's. check this: i throw a snowball at j's arse last night and it pokes a solar flare into his phones lcd. then tonight he loses his phone at the dave concert. how responsible am i in retrospect? something to think about.

-coach

im realy soiber

live jines

I am away from my computer right now. is not a valid away message. Discuss.

-about to be really really ridiculously drunk smitty

so as is generally the case, your coachiness is being anally raped by the universe..my parents have told me that my passport still hasnt arrived at the house, without it i will be unable to go to paris with my family over christmas..but that might be a moot point nyway, since i would be unable to fly to miami from boston without my id, which was left at a club last saturday..and why havent i gotten it back yet, you ask? because i cant get any of the fucking meatheads that work at their shitty little "we close at 2am" club to tell me they have it.

at the same time, tufts decided to do away with the reading period this year. or at least, shorten it to a friday - tuesday affair. wicked awesome. especially since my finals are distributed nicely - 2 on wednesday, 2 on thursday.

bitterly yours,
-coach

did i do that?


-C&B

today while i was enjoying my frosted flakes i was just wondering: who had the grrreat idea that "if i add milk to my corn, i could make a great breakfast!" either way i take my hat off.

-jonesy

-smitty on day 15 of finals. someone just end this.

whenever im in the computer lab for some reason i always pretend that i can type super fast like making a lot of noise and moving my fingers everywhere so that the person next to me has to look over and i get embarrassed cuz its not funny and smile and then do it again the next time. the end

-leon mandlerwitzwitz

i was having another brilliant thought and thought i would share it. if i were some crazy scientist dude and just discovered some new crazy disease, i definitely would NOT name it after myself. like Dr. John Down, discovered and named Down's syndrom. terrible choice. in fact, it would be soo much better to name it after someone or something you hate. like if i had discovered Down's syndrom i would have named it like "FSU Syndrom" or "Good Charlotte Syndrom." hell yes i would.

-Dr. Jones

so as i stepped outside yesterday at 8:00 AM into the 20 degree air, right before my balls raced into the safety of my warm body, i had a thought. I CAN NOT WAIT FOR GLOBAL WARMING. seriously, fuck the ice caps or whatever, the people who argue that global warming is bad definitely must not live in medford mass, or anywhere the likes. its fucking brutal. i think adding 10 sweet degrees would be great for everyone

-jones

pretty fantastic fauxmmercial by the writers/actors from conan

-coach

personally i think this is just another problem with society that can be traced back to allowing women in the workplace, and let me tell you why. without their mothers at home to love and care for them, kids do nothing but sniff glue and watch pokemon all day. this in turn makes them dumber. remember everytime you watched a tv show about a kid who's dad was a cold workoholic who was always too stressed about the stock market to throw the ol' ball around? well imagine if mom is like that too! at what point does little johnny get to sit down with mom and pop and throw a record on and let the good times roll? i'll tell you when: never. left to their own devices, kids these days do nothing more than drink what they find under the sink and then sit down and trip out with some pokemon. at that point, the tv can sell them anything. and rap music is the victim here, falling prey to temptation time and time again. it seems its just too damn easy for these fuckers to convince these kids to buy the album, so they go ahead and do it. in fact, as far as i know, all you have to do is say you're the richest rapper 3 times, spin your necklace, and it will come true..and it doesnt even have to rhyme.

also mtv is failing us all, and has to start playing music again. and by music i mean music, not the fucking black eyed fucks. we need to go back to our roots, and start remembering the guys who started this rap thing like run-dmc, krs-one, nwa, dre and snoop, 2pac and biggie, so we can forget about the guys that are killing it.

-coach

so im not sure how i let this one get by for so long. i believe we can single handedly give credit for the downfall of rap/hip-hop to fergie and the black eyed peas for the treachery titled "my humps."

They say I’m really sexy,
The boys they wanna sex me.
They always standing next to me,
Always dancing next to me,
Tryin’ a feel my hump, hump.
Lookin’ at my lump, lump.

Are these people serious? and more importantly, are the people who leave this song playing when it comes on the radio serious? anywho, we would also give credit if you answered "laffy taffy" as the cause of the downfall.

just curious, can people comment on their thoughts of why rap and hip-hop have gotten almost ridiculous?

-jones

ASmitty97 (1:49:15 AM): this is cool: find all the bands

i am consumed by this picture, when in reality i should be asleep..i have a long day of drinking and shaking my ass and drinking ahead

-coach

if i got 14 spins, does that make me gay?

-jonesy

am i the only person that has good typing days and bad typing days? i mean like one time i can be a flawless typesman and other days i fuck up all the time. does this happen to other humans?

-jonesbro

i think its safe to say i was fucked up last night. i woke up this morning at the crack of noon with pretzel crumbs and salt crystals embedded in my back and in my hair. apparently i passesd out while eating a bag of pretzels and throughout the course of the night it emptied all over my bed. of course, all my tossing and turning created a wonderful puree of pretzels crumbs all over my sheets and on the floor. pretty good.

-Sir Leon Mandler III

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

rocking so hard right now

that's bullshit

-from hoaerndz

-coach and broach

Auto response from krontonsoup (3:58:05 AM): haha to whoever bet i couldnt stick 4 fingers in my butt

-coach and broach

whats the most exreme sporting accomplishment one can achieve? it has to be climbing mount everest. hands down. of course you have the freezing temperatures, the screaming wind, the crazy weather changes, the blizzards, the threat of hypothermia and hypoxia, frostbite, and ultimately death, but these are not what makes this ascent the greatest achievement. a lot of people dont think about the worst part. pooping. ive done some reading up on the subject and you must actually zip down and de-clothe to take a shit. that means your bare ass and sweet sack is exposed to a 50 below chill worsened by a freezing draft that will undoubtedly find its way up through your asshole and straight into your soul. i couldnt think of anything worse. i think we all need to have a greater appreciation for the feat these people are accomplishing.

-jones

so yea i thought these were already on here, but they weren't and there's more of them now. so yea.

-coach

yug shemash, here's the video of borat that was mentioned before.

"some of the cleanest prostitutes in all of central asia"

-coach

Aaorn2286 (12:42:32 PM): http://www.rhfweb.com/mctom.html

Aaorn2286 (12:44:38 PM): Had I been able to get into the US Military after graduation from college, then the US military would have become a good force in the world rather than a dark force, and there would not have been slavery in America of white persons presently, and consequently no slavery of black persons back in time also which was an inverse consequence of Blacks enslaving whites in the future as the whites discovered by remote sensing into the future, causing blacks to be enslaved by whites in the past as means of revenge seeking.

wowza..pretty long, and pretty insane

-coach and broach

nothing says "im an intelligent man who has learned his lesson" like TRU WARIER
thanks jarejare

-C&B

Relating to the recent Ali G Show / Kazakhstan legal proceedings

Sacha Baron Cohen, who plays the spoof Kazakh television reporter in his "Da Ali G Show," incurred the wrath of Kazakhstan's Foreign Ministry this month after appearing as Borat at the annual MTV Europe Music Awards.

He described shooting dogs for fun and said his wife could not leave Kazakhstan as she was a woman. The Foreign Ministry said his behavior was unacceptable and that Cohen might be serving political orders to tarnish Kazakhstan's reputation.

Responding in character as Borat, Cohen, who is Jewish, said: "I like to state, I have no connection with Mr Cohen and fully support my government's position to sue this Jew."

"Since 2003 ... Kazakhstan is as civilized as any other country in the world," he said on his website, www.borat.kz.

"Women can now travel on inside of bus, homosexuals no longer have to wear blue hat and age of consent has been raised to eight years old."

-miserable smitty stuck in the library studying law for the next 2 1/2 weeks

first fire drill of the year:
time: 4:43 AM
weather: 40 degrees and raining
second fire drill of the year:
time: 5:58 AM
weather: 43 degrees and raining

thanks for keeping us on our toes tufts university. i think i can honestly say that i would trade all the past fire drills of my life and all the ones from now on for like a mildly burnt leg later in life. seriously, i think all these fucking worthless firedrills are more inconvenient then a burn would be. (maybe im just saying this because its now 6:09 AM)

-sour jones

Smitty81412 (6:32:54 PM): https://mail.msu.edu/cgi-bin/webmail/login/schwa207.authdaemon/3EAF50BA0AE271B3F1A4A863516EF637/1132613439?folder=INBOX&form=fetch&pos=0&mimeid=1.2

-coach and broach

so anyone ever start washing their hands, and only then realize how bad they had to pee? not that its a problem because of a forthcoming double-wash, cuz that consideration never enters the picture..its just the thought of what could have been...just another missed opportunity to be slightly more sanitary than the average bear.

-coach

this made my week:

ACohn17 (3:12:11 AM): i made out!

-C&B

Berg of G (11:54:44 PM): http://cgi.ebay.com/69-Pictures-of-my-Very-HOT-Ex-Girlfriend-SEXY_W0QQitemZ5634879913QQcategoryZ1469QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

-coach and broach

i think there are many aspects of being a dog thats just a whole lot better than what we gotta do as humans. On your walk to the corner store you realize that you have to shit, so you pull your pants down and shit on the sidewalk. end of story; no waiting, no planning, no holding. even better than that, is that once your done you get to keep on walking like you didnt just shit all over the side walk. thats right- no wiping. how come god gave dogs perfect shitting assholes and we're stuck with these wipe-requiring stink banks? unfair and i move to make shitting on sidewalks no longer taboo. (as long as you have doggy bags of course)

and happy birfday to the ianbro

-your friend, leon

thank you god... i mean thank you drugs.

anf thankyou krony for sending me this

-C&B

so is "sickle-cell anemia" just a fancy word for ballhogitis? im getting tired of going to the gym to have a good time and getting a generous helping of racism instead. now, i'm not saying that anyone has done or said anything mean to me about being white and a mediocre basketball player at best, but let me make one thing clear. being black does not make you michael jordan. you heard it here first folks. even if you were jordan, you don't have to shoot the fuckin ball everytime.. jordan definitely did try to score every time he got the ball, but that doesn't mean he always took the shot himself. i've found few things less fun than playing 3 on 3 with 2 brothers on my "team," because 90% of the time they have left me completely out of the game, despite being only marginally better than me, if at all. i might as well put some zeppelin on and start playing hackysack like they expect, cuz i'm sure as hell not getting my hands on the rock.

-COACH

lil dosman (2:17:26 AM): how goes it

Auto response from buffalosnoda (2:17:26 AM): study town...population gay

-cnb

this is a follow up post from the SND one a week ago. seems my friend freefree thought he could outsmart the gods of SND...he was wrong:

Adam0791 (12:37:36 AM): thought i was the smartest guy in the world, turned out i was completely wrong. went to bed last night (sunday) at 10 pm and got out of bed today at 1 pm. woke up and thought i was the king of the world cause i had defeated sunday night depression

Adam0791 (12:38:34 AM): well guess who is completely depressed right now, has tears in his eyes. has chelsea coming over at 2 am and is drinking alone at the computer taking shots because shes disgusting.

Adam0791 (12:38:54 AM): i just turned sunday night depression into monday night depression. there is no avoiding it or sleeping through it, it just gets postponed


-jonesagoes

so here's a post about the cans and cants about saying "i love you" between male friends. obviously, we here at coachandbroach are not homophobic, but we all must be careful when exchanging this sweet phrase amongst friends. whenever saying i love you to your male friends, you MUST add a comma followed by a "man" or "bro" or "dawg." for example: "i love you, bro (with a pat on the back)." whats not ok is simply "i love you." for some reason, theres just a sweetly subtle GAY undertone to it. i dont know why or how this phenomenon came to be but try saying just "i love you," when you go give your friend a big appreciative hug and see what his reaction is. WARNING: coach and broach do not take any responsibility for said reaction.

amendment: NEVER use the person's name as in, "i love you, larry" and ESPECIALLY NEVER, "larry, i love you"

also NEVER let a male dolphin attempt anal sex with you, we can't stress that enough, people.

-C&B

you should NEVER let a male dolphin attempt anal sex with you

thanks domm, i dont know where the fuck you get these things

-C&B

so this post is about something odd that happened to me last week- its not as funny as it is what-the-fuck-ish.

so im in this ice cream place in harvard square with my mama and its my turn to order:
ice cream guy: what will you have today?
me: uhh oreo milkshake
guy: what kind of ice cream with that?
me: ill go vanilla.

so after a few minutes i get my milkshake and something is not right. tasted sourish and i look and see no oreos and it has an orangish tint. i go back to the counter and ask him if this is actually an oreo milkshake. his response was as follows:

"oh, i thought you said orangejuice milkshake."

-i sat there for a few seconds wondering if he was kidding, though by the cock-smirk on his face i could tell he was serious. he eventually made me a par-at-best oreo milkshake, but clearly thats not the point of this story. first of all, what the fuck is an orange juice milkshake. secondly, who the fuck would order an orange juice milk shake. and third and most importantly, how often must an orange juice milkshake get ordered so that one would mistake an oreo request with that of orange juice granted this is a FUCKING ICE CREAM PARLOR. im out

-leon jacob mandler

lil dosman (10:36:55 PM): when i asked for "2 chicken parm subs but can u make it with grilled chicken instead of fried for me?"

lil dosman (10:37:03 PM): he goes: "im sorry, there's no way i can do that."

buffalosnoda (10:37:14 PM): hahahhahahahahaha

buffalosnoda (10:37:23 PM): so what u udo

lil dosman (10:37:25 PM): there is absolutely no way that that would be possible

buffalosnoda (10:37:30 PM): hahahhahah

buffalosnoda (10:37:41 PM): did u tell him to relax

lil dosman (10:37:42 PM): i said "you can't just make a grilled chicken sandwich and put sauce and cheese on it"

buffalosnoda (10:37:51 PM): hahahaha

lil dosman (10:37:52 PM): and he goes ooooh, so you just dont want te chicken

lil dosman (10:38:07 PM): "i just want it with grilled chicken instead of the usual fried chicken"

lil dosman (10:38:20 PM): "oh ok. do you still want sauce and cheese on it too?"

-coach and broach

my brother just told me to google the word "love" for images. i suggest you all do it and riddle me how that is the first picture to come up.


-Jonees

If you can read these without laughing out loud, you have no soul. I had to walk out of class today from this.

Top Thirty Facts About Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

See the rest at: http://www.4q.cc/chuck/index.php?topthirty

-smitty norris

before i start this post i want to say that im pretty computer-notsavvy or however you wanna put it. either way, im always impressed with the blatantly bullshit terms and lines that are used in movies and tv in scenes with computers. just a couple examples: in jurassic park where theyre all in that room and they need to re-lock the gates or something and the girl looks at the computer and briskly announces "its a unix system." the screen then shows something like 4 boxes. nice try. or how about in one of the new marines or army commercials where theres a cop in a police car driving around and they pull over and yell to some kid to come over. cop says "it crashed again" and the kid rolls his eyes and responds "reboot with F8 in safe mode." we are then clearly persuaded to join the marines. i dont know what im trying to get at exactly but i guess its just a little more effort from the directors of these things would go a long way.

-JONES

i just heard a guy on fuckin early today say "ugueth urbina, detained in venezuela under murder charges. that should drive his market value down." good economics brosef.

and, ugueth, what the fuck were u doing? everyone in the locker room is juicing up and hitting 50 homeruns a year, and you are meeting up with a crack dealer before practice? jesus christ, sometimes you just need to take a step back and say "was it really a good idea to attack these people with a machete? maybe not. will busting out the gas and attempting to light them on fire resolve or exacerbate the situation?"

well maybe the jury's still out on that one. i don't know, i'm not a doctah.

-coach

good klosterman

-coach and broach

so my nocturnalism has officially gotten out of control. i mean its this utter insanity that leaves me with little left to do besides contemplate my own freakish sleeping habits. i've been going to bed no earlier than this every night. i'm not doing anything at all, besides watching conan repeats, but i have class from 1030 - 245 and a test to study for. and i would be staying up just as late without conan, which is weird considering the ferocity with which i hit the sack midday. to be so tired all the time, and then to be stricken with such a starkly opposite aversion to sleepery when the sun goes down is characteristic of nothing but a sick, sick man. isn't it obvious, self? you sleep to avoid the responsibilities of daytime, ie, going to class and doing work. at night there's no pressure..no one is expecting me to be that productive at 430, and neither am i. we expect me to be dead asleep, not producing shit, in fact.



does this mean anything? no.
am i reading about game theory? of course not.
am i gonna feel good in econometrics tomorrow at 1030? maybe after a few red bulls.
should anybody give a rat's ass? no.

i guess thinking about how crazy you are is the just the kinda thing a guy who isn't doing shit else at 430am starts to do.

-coach

Easily one of my favorite sites on the internet, updated constantly throughout the day, is Overheard in New York. People from all over the city send in things they hear, from conversations with bums to funny things on the subways. Absolutely brilliant. I've posted a few excerpts below.

http://www.overheardinnewyork.com

Dumb teen: Hey, look at this! It says "Train for jobs in beeyotch."
Smarter teen: Fool! That word is biotech. Why you gotta be ignorant all your life?

--1 train

Overheard by: Manhattman

====================================

Crazy: So I had to get fillings in all of my teeth.
Passenger: Uh huh.
Crazy: But I figured, why let them do that to me after they drilled holes in my brain, ya know?
Passenger: Sure.
Crazy: But I figured, might as well! Although if they were going to fill my teeth, I'd want them to use jelly.
Passenger: Yep.
Crazy: But the guy at the counter said they were out of jelly. So I got a blueberry muffin.

--R train

Overheard by: Johnny Shizzle

=================================

The subway doors open. A hobo enters, holding a bottle of windex in one hand and a tube of toothpaste in the other. He says: Which is the better time to read Dostyevsky? Winter?

He sprays the windex.

Hobo: Or Spring?

He squeezes toothpaste out of the tube.

Japanese girl: Spring!
Hobo: You are correct.

--F train

Overheard by: Pete Johnson

-Smithers

interesting that the pic isn't tagged with "halloween"..did they think we got in a fight on a random night, went inside and put on the costumes, took a picture, then went back outside and opened a can? cuz i saw batman the other day and i gotta tell you..it seems like a decent racket..

-coach

well since the pictures didnt work before...here's a more reputable link for everyone to see our halloween costumes

-coach and broach

that's the smartest thing i've ever heard anyone say about anything.

-coach and broach

"Miami removed Hokie junior quarterback Marcus Vick from consideration for any and all awards for the foreseeable future, except maybe a Purple Heart"

wow.

-coach and broach

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this post is directed towards the male gender but i wouldnt be surprised if it is applicable to women as well...

jerking off without porn is a lot like baseball. atleast on the defensive side of the ball. an average defensive game employs about 1-3 pitchers, maybe more if its a tough game. in our jerk session, these "pitchers" are the girls we are thinking about. we all have our starter, who we open the game with and every once in a while can go all nine innings and throw a complete game. but lets be honest, this doesnt happen very often. usually we must employ a relief pitcher and, more often then not, a closer. our closer is one of the most important tools in our bullpen. She's usually been there the longest and (almost) always comes through. she works quickly and efficently. but every so often, even the best pitching crew can be roughed up. at this point we may bring in pitchers never used before, rookies if you will, and they can either be immediately disposed of or, if they perform well, can see themselves enter into the regular pitching rotation.

i can literally think of so many of these pitchers on my team; some even have had their numbers retired...those that, day in and day out, gave it their all...these dont come by very often and are different for every person for their own special reasons (some people may very well be too embarrassed to even mention these names in public...i know ive had my share). i know i defintely have a couple names that have been there since day one of inaugural year...so in conclusion we see once again that the old saying is true: "pitching wins championships"

-jones

i know coach is with me when i say this: i wish that picking your nose was politically correct...or if not completely accepted, atleast equivalent to picking your ears in public.

-jones

how can you be so sure that coach is with you? oh yea, because i havent the slightest apprehension about picking my nose in public. thats why. im at the forefront of this sociopolitical movement people, and i propose a protest to express our civil unrest. here's some ideas for picketing

-coach

well its another successful halloween costume design in the books..most (sane) people could recognize subzero and scorpion (even a few ladies) and jim's raiden costume was off the chain. anywho, i'd just like to express my disdain for tufts, since we actually had to leave campus on halloween just to find a party, cuz not a single person was doing anything..so in the process of leaving campus for parties, we got into a little scuffle, but fear not, cuz i obviously just harpooned all evil doers and let jones hit them in the head with a cowbell before mike ripped their spines out.

-coach

i got shit on myself you fucker!!

(smitty edit, i found these)
The Sequel
and
The Triquel
from the yodaman

-C&B

-Der Smitty

so the other day i watched jones attempt to enjoy an orange (maybe a clementine), but give up abruptly after the peeling process was cut short and he was lift with nothing but a nickel-sized piece of orange zest under his thumbnail and i got to thinking..as long as we've got a magic hat from which to pull watermelons without seeds, why not start growing oranges with some kind of string under the peel to provide for easy removal? think about it like the red wax bonbel cheese wheels..who among us doesnt take one last look at the red wax before tossing it, and then one last look at the cheese, just to acknowledge how there will never be a better system for packaging and peeling? its a thing of beauty

-coach

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it never seems to fail me: every time i have ever gone to a drive thru and theres a woman at working the intercom, i have to flirt with her. you know damn well that youre always thinking that this time the girl is gonna be hot. and who would have thought...you drive up...and shes a 300 pound black woman. every single time. but who am i trying to kid, im gonna do the same thing next time and be disgusted again. and again. and again.

-jones

ive been sick so i decided to go to cvs to try and get some recovery items. being the poor poor bro that i am, i opted for the generic brand nyquil. sour choice by this guy. it tasted like black licorice that was pickled in cheap vodka. that receives a GAHK rating of 9.3 next time ill drop the extra 90 cents.

-jonesbro

you know those games where they show you a picture and you have to pick the one that doesnt fit? here's an example

we never said we were politically correct...make sure you check out the caption

-coachandbroach

so i may or may not have been watching laguna beach when i realized that everything i do and every situation im in would be 10x cooler if there was a sweet song in the background. in the same sense, i think that if you played any of the laguna beach scenes without the music it just wouldnt be LAGUNA!!!!! (dont hate)

-jones

since you asked, ill be happy to tell you a part of society that annoys me, though im sure some of you pussies may disagree. i find it particularly annoying and unnecessary when people say "god bless you" after a sneeze. who the fuck are you to tell god to bless me and more importantly i dont think i need "god's blessing" after just a pussy sneeze. maybe the next time i get punched in the face you can say it. im much less annoyed by the spanish retort of "salud" (to health). but i think that most people today only use it out of the attempt to avoid akwardness. i wont lie, if its just me and one person in a room, im most likely gonna say it. does that make me a hipocrit? maybe. but we as a society have built so much expectation upon that useless retort that there's an exteme akwardness if its not stated. even worse, today i sneezed and some dude next to me drops the full "god bless you." i roll my eyes and give a half hearted thanks. one might think that this would end the interaction but NO. he continued this all ready drawn conversation with a "your welcome." i dont think i need to say much more, so lets make an attempt to stop this stupidness and either say "salud" or just shut the fuck up.

-jones

when one is asked "what is the worst day of the week?" it is easy to automatically say "monday." but this is wrong and i will tell you why. the right answer is sunday. 1)Clearly you procrastinated and did no work all weekend leaving everything for sunday...disaster
2) you dont wake up till 3 and are still so hungover that (1) becomes near impossible.
3) my team sucks in fantasy, so football is nothing short of frustratingoed.
4) this should definitely be number one: SUNDAY NIGHT DEPRESSION
for those who arent familiar with SND, ill give you a brief explanation:
after (atleast) three nights of binge drinking, your body finally gives way and shuts down due to an overwhelming intake of depressants from the weekend. you start thinking about all the things wrong with your life; from school, to relationships, to your future. you consider doing something more meaningful- like volunteer, or maybe even joining the peace corps. you think about how ronery you are- and how all you want is to snuggle with someone...someone who isnt there. WARNING: no big decisions should be made on sundays. because of the magnitude of strength that comes with SND, no one, and im mean NO ONE should make life altering decisions i.e: transfering schools, getting back together with ex's, and suicide. but SND is different for everyone and i will now provide several testtimonies about what SND is for them.

FREEFREE: real depressed right now. i have a midterm tomorrow ive done nothing for. i dont have a book for it. all i can think about is whether or not im going to get out of it, and how disgusting the girl in my bed was last night. i have nothing, and my life has absolutely no meaning. at this point im a waste of space and a dissapointment. can feel tears in my eyes.
thats what sunday depression means to me"

L Suarez: "losing on a last second td pass"

Cohnbro: "feeling really down lately...fri and sat night u go out to try to have fun and maybe meet a lady...nosing seems to go right...nosing going on sunday night...everybody just doing their own thing...in their own room...just a rittre ronery..."

my big bro: just want to be in a dark room by myself, no point in talking to anyone because whats the point, another week coming up of the same stupid things, alcohol is ruining my life but i cant live without it

so there you have it folks

-jones and co.
thanks to all that offered their testimonials

hey, guys who live on the second floor of our house (mike, max, jim) could someone explain to me why NOT putting the tp on the roller is somehow easier? i think i speak for everyone when i say, install the new roll immediately. and dont argue, cuz u know u need 1 free hand for that crossword puzzle.

-coach

Somebody's gotta post...

Easily one of the funniest videos I've seen in a while
http://www.toxic.no/php/vis_film.php?id=82

-lawyer smitty